Bitter Fuck - Joji

Afraid

Joji's P. O. V

Even after having that conversation with August, I was still back on my bullshit. I haven't talked or seen Bronteé in a good week. I know it's fucked but I'm helping Niki, Brian, August, and Sean and we're going on tour real soon so I have to be here to talk about that kind of stuff. Anyway, I know B has her papers to write and her shifts to do so she's plenty of busy herself.

" Joji?" Niki pulled me out of my thoughts as she stood in front of me with her phone in hand. " You should really talk to B?" She looked concerned and I pulled out my phone only to see a text.

Hey so, my brother wants to have dinner with us. He wants to meet you and get to know you. Y'know brotherly stuff, so please let me know when you're free or if you even want to.

She wasn't even here and I could tell she was bothered. I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. " Has she said anything?" Niki sat next to me and nodded. " Not much but I called her to see if she wanted to come by for a drink and all she said was she doesn't want to be around the studio right now and that she just wants 'home'. I'm sure you know what that means." I nodded and stared at my phone thinking of what to say. " It's hard Joji, and she's being as supportive as she can be." I nodded. " Yeah of course. I know that and I'm grateful. I just don't know if I'll ever be able to make it up to her." She put her hand on my knee and smiled. " I don't think that's what she's looking for."

How about this Saturday? Also, would you like me to bring home some donuts?

No, please just come home.

I sighed, what I was doing was wrong. I'm completely neglecting her and all she wants is for me to be home. I wanted her but I wanted my career. I hate being so complicated because I want one thing and I also want the other but I can never find a balance for both. Anyway, I went to her apartment and there she was, crying on the couch.

I felt guilty because I knew she had to be crying because of me. " Daylily."  She managed to choke out and I shut the door behind me. Her cries were small weeps or snivels but either way, they were small cries. I sat next to her on the couch and wiped the tears from her face. She grabbed my wrists and moved my hands away from her face. " You don't look at me the same anymore. Where's George?" She asked and scooted backwards to put some distance between us. " I'm here." I put my hand on her thigh and she wiped her eyes with her sleeve. " But you're not." I pulled her into my lap and she started to cry more, quiet sobs. I was heartbroken, completely disappointed with myself. I was hurting her and that's something I never intended to do.

" Daylily." I said kissing the top of her head and held her tightly. " You're supposed to forgive me when I say Daylily." She grabbed my sleeve and buried her face further into my chest. " I know I've hurt you." I whispered and I rocked us back and forth in attempt to soothe her. " I don't mean to y'know? I love you, I really do." I rested my head on hers and I listened to her sniffles. " I swear I'll make it up to you." I got up and I carried her to the room. 

" Where are we going?" She asked and I laid her down on the bed. " Dreamland princess." I gave her a half smile and she pulled the covers close to her chest. I undressed myself and climbed into bed with her. " Tomorrow, it's just you and me. You're going to call in sick from work and school and I'm just gonna stay with you and we'll do whatever you want." I twirled her hair and she cuddled up against me. " If you want to stay in bed all day, we'll do that or if you wanna go out, we can do that too." Her breathing had calmed and she was sniffling less. " We don't have to." She said and I looked at her. " No, but we're going to." She placed her head on my chest and as I was running my fingers through her hair, I heard her breathing start to slow. " Get some rest princess." I whispered and she held on to me tightly. " I love you." She said before dozing off.

I didn't sleep much, I just couldn't. I felt awful for the way I was making her feel and I didn't know how to tell her I'd be going on tour soon which means, not seeing me for three months. I definitely can't tell her any time soon but I know I have to tell her some time. Seeing her like this- I don't understand why she hasn't left yet. Not that I want her to, but why put up with this? Me? What's it worth? I'm constantly hurting her, yet she's still here. 

I held onto her tighter, afraid to let go. As if I was trying to hold everything together. To hold us together. Afraid she'll slip through my fingers and afraid I'll never be able to get a grasp of her again. I was afraid. What will become of us?

~~~~

So I kinda like the ending but it's currently 6:02 AM and I haven't slept in 48 hours and I had a cup of Jack and Coke and somehow I'm still awake and was able to write a chapter? Any way shit will go down in about two or three chapters or at least that's the plan.

Also, THANK YOU FOR 1K READS. I know to some people its like " Relax they're just reads, it's not like they're votes." Well at least it's something. Anyway, I hope people are enjoying this because I have become discouraged but I keep it going in hopes it'll get better as I go. Again, thanks for reading/viewing my shit story xo