The Bikini Syndrome | WATTYS2019

» thirty-four: what the mirror shows us ⚠️

In her nightmares, Holly kept on seeing Rohan's eyes. His face was blurry and faded, but his eyes were crisp and sharp. The green lanterns that seemed to follow her everywhere, right into the center of her being, into her heart that was starting to turn to brittle stone.

They seemed to mock her for her insecurity and low self-esteem and jealously and bitterness.

You deserved to be raped for holding such feelings, they seemed to say.

A cold, harsh laugh rang in her ears. "It'll be over in a moment. I promise it won't hurt a bit."

Then a hand, big and rough and calloused, reached down to cover her mouth so she couldn't scream. But Holly had a feeling that even if she could have, no sound would have come out of her throat.

Holly shot up, sweat clinging to her forehead and back. Her throat felt dry and her heart was still pounding.

She realized that her alarm had been going off for the last ten minutes. Holly quickly got dressed, and downed a quick breakfast, though she had a feeling she wouldn't be able to hold it down with how unsettled she was feeling.

She grabbed her keys and a bottle of mace on the way out.

When she walked through the front doors of Cafe By The Sea, her coworker Rawi greeted her. Her dark chocolate skin glowed in the morning sun, and her smile made Holly want to smile back.

"Morning," she said as normally as she could muster.

She grabbed her uniform, then ran as quickly to the bathroom as she dared. Once the door was locked behind her, Holly kneeled in front of the toilet and pulled her hair back into a low ponytail with mechanical, practiced notions.

To anyone standing behind her, it would've looked like an intense prayer, interjected with guttural protests.

She stood in front of the mirror afterwards, splashing her face wit cold water. The harsh fluorescent lighting painted her jaws with long shadows and highlighted the bags under her eyes. Her copper hair looked dull and dirt-like.

It had already been a week since she'd gone with her parents to the police station to file the restraining order. Holly thought she'd feel better afterwards, but in the days afterwards, Holly started feeling worse and worse.

Part of it stemmed from the day Sadie came over for dinner. Her parents had taken to Sadie right away, piling her plate with food, telling her to take some home with her, and carrying a conversation with her that only ended when Sadie finally left.

The house felt quieter and dimmer after her friend had left, leaving an emptiness that made Holly feel inadequate. She'd never thought that way before, because she never had to. She thought she and Raven and Ava were good daughters, even if they bickered and fought at times. And her parents had always been loving and supportive, as they were being now, through her time of difficulty.

But lately, when her mom looked at Holly, it always seemed to be accompanied by a sigh or a sad, tired gaze. Her dad tried to be normal, joking around with her, forcing laughs, even inviting her to watch Sunday night football despite knowing she had no interest.

Raven and Ava were like usual, because they didn't know. But the secrets she was carrying became like wedges in all her relationships: slowly, but surely driving them apart.

Holly knew it was because of her. She was the one that was actually changing.

Her feelings of guilt and shame and now a certain bitterness were plaguing her, and every time she took a shower or looked in a mirror, she could only see an imperfections and filth.

And it didn't help that her eyes were green. She couldn't even put her contacts in these days without trembling and glaring at herself.

Holly took a deep breath and turned away from the mirror. It was an addiction; it was an enabler.

She made sure to pop in a breath mint before she returned to work.