A Little Bit Of Joy | ✔

Chapter Fifty : The Boy, A Coincidence

I stared at my wardrobe, gritting my teeth in frustration since I found nothing suitable to wear. Each outfit suddenly reminded me of Logan- the pink dress when we sneaked out of a wedding, the yellow dress when he chased me among the sunflowers and the casual baggy t-shirts of the countless lazy hours we spent at the flower shop or skipping stones in the ocean. Eventually, I chose a plain black tank top, light blue denim jacket and dark jeans which I hadn't wore since a year or something.

Kinda cool- Check.

Teenage party appropriate- Check.

No memories of former friend- Check.

I was ready to go with some strawberry lip gloss, blush (lots and lots of it rubbed on my greying cheeks) and mascara. I felt sorry for myself as I stared at my reflection. I had lost over seven kilos this summer and I was preparing myself mentally for more drastic and faster changes these coming weeks.

I went downstairs to find mum stuffing things in her handbag, stretching the leather material to it's full extent. She then struggled with the zip and smiled in victory as it finally secured her bag. Her smile broadened when she glanced at me, appreciating my outfit and punctuality. She was a stickler for being on time.

"You're looking smart," I commented as she walked briskly in a crisp white shirt and black pants, her kitten heeled pumps clacking on the floor.

"It's a very important client," she replied, picking up her handbag and car keys. "Have you eaten properly?"

"Yeah maa." I followed her sluggishly out of the house and in the car.

"Don't dance too much if your joints hurt. And don't drink anything---"

"Cold and weird looking," I finished her sentence. "I know, you have told me a million times."

"If you get your fever back or feel nauseous---"

"I won't call you, I'll continue feeling ill until I'm rushed to the ER." I grinned at her and she smacked my head.

"I'm not playing Joy."

"I know, I'm sorry. I'll call you if anything happens, alright? Let's go now."

Her eyes softened as she started the car. We talked nonchalantly about dinner, Shaun and France and regular stuff like that. I avoided talking about Gemma tactfully because it always created a clash between my mum and me due to difference of opinion.

Our car smoothly sped on the flat highway. I glanced out of the window and saw the orange melting into the blue sky. The faint cry of gulls and the sound of little gusts of wind rattling the car sent a mellow ripple through the quiet evening. As we drew near the main streets of the next town, we saw small heads with bronze arms and spindly legs frolicking on the pavement- their mindless mothers occupied in nugatory tittle-tattle.

My mum honked twice before the effervescent children separated to make room for our car to pass. Some had ice cream with them, the vanilla trailing down their hands and trickling down their bony elbows as they sucked on it noisily. Their faces were sticky with sweat, their hair unruly and their grubby hands a whimsical combination of mud and ice cream. The bliss of oblivion and childhood radiated through their curve of lips of mischievous smiles and tossing of heads because of hearty laughter.

These children made me think of my flaws- I didn't know anything about the future or what people around me truly felt. But it was okay- 'It's okay to not know what others feel Joy, you're only human.' His voice rang in my head. I realized it was okay to not be in charge sometimes and to let go of worries about everyone's future. I wasn't God, I could only shape my life. It was time to stop getting tensed about mum, dad, Shaun, Gemma, grandpa, Jamie . . . Logan. It was time to stop running away from Logan and wrecking the glorious summer we had shared.

I got down the car once I arrived at Angel's and waved my mum goodbye, mumbling 'see you soon' as she drove away. I walked past the glass doors breezily and instantly halted in my tracks. My eyes zeroed on the familiar figure. Was my eyesight alright or was fate messing with us?

I was startled to see Logan's familiar eyes shimmering under the golden fairy lights as he talked with a group of boys his age. What was he doing here? Who was he talking to? And why today of all days?

I rubbed my eyes twice to confirm that I wasn't hallucinating- it was indeed Logan.

He was seated with a group of loud, average looking guys at the table to the far left. He couldn't see me if he looked up since I carefully hid myself behind a solid pillar like a thief. I chewed my lips anxiously, cautious to not draw any blood.

A friendly looking waiter's eyes met mine as I flashed him a weak smile, not moving from my position. Angel's was a trendy, affordable place with a live band every day at this hour and an open patio for people who wished to dance or dine outside. The place was dim with only fairy lights yet not dark enough that I could not be seen by Logan. At a table to the far right, I saw Cath and my friends seated, their giggles and murmurs mingling with the melliflous songs played and sung by a handsome boy band on the stage right next to their table.

The coward in me wanted to slip away slyly to the far right table and blend into the background with Cath and the rest of the girls. But I couldn't do it, not with Logan being in the same room as me. I had to be brave and stop avoiding him. I had to tell him that it would be alright if things went back to normal. I had to stop worrying about his future and my own. I had to go with the flow without trying to change it's course.

The local band had started to sing James Bay's song, 'Let it go' in the most raw voice that I could feel odd churning in my stomach.

Tryna fit your hand inside mine
When we know it just don't belong
There's no force on earth
Could make it feel right, no . . .

I tightened the jacket around me as if it could restrain my leaping heart. Why was I nervous? I was simply telling him that we could be like before without any changes. Then why? Perhaps his confession of loving me had scared me and I was afraid of changes at this stage of my life. I still was, hence I would tell him it would be nice if we hung out casually as friends like before.

Tryna push this problem up the hill
When it's just too heavy to hold
Think now is the time to let it slide . . .

Yes, I had to tell him. Taking a deep breath, I stepped out. He was right there, only he wasn't looking at me.

So come on, let it go
Just let it be
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me . . .

He was looking at his friends and he looked happy. He was happy. It took him less time to come out here and finally reunite with his friends. He had finally understood that being with me and loving me was a waste of time and energy- I would be gone soon anyway. He had moved on from me and for good. Then why did I feel my heart squeeze like a washcloth?

I shouldn't go and ruin him- I couldn't go.

I took a step back and suddenly, I felt sharp pain on my left side right below my breasts. I whirled around and a glass crashed to the floor. The waiter who had accidentally rammed his tray apologised frantically as I did the same for knocking over the glass. I noticed a few eyes already on us and tears of pain and humiliation welled up in my eyes. I took a quick glimpse of Logan's table and just as Logan's head turned towards me, I pushed aside the waiter, clutched my jacket and clumsily rushed outside, the door swinging behind me.

Everything that's broke
Leave it to the breeze
Let the ashes fall
Forget about me . . .

I didn't know whether the ache in my heart was larger than the pain erupting from my ribs. I ran away from Angel's, from Logan and I ran to my flaws until I couldn't take it anymore. I slumped on the footpath and with tears colliding against the stony street, I retrieved my phone to call Jamal.