Selected: Part 2 - Flowers with Thorns

9. THE GUILT

WHILE I TRIED TO GET along with all the girls, I was having a really hard time finding positive things about a few of these girls. First of all, whoever had started rumors about Hazel and Naomi were definitely people I disliked, but I had no real idea of who it was. I wasn't a big fan of Ruby and Audrey as they had both been involved in the spreading of these rumors, though. Ruby Allen, a Two, was very popular with the public, but came across as a little fake to me, and always talked behind the other girls' backs. I had spoken to Audrey Atkins, a Four from Sota, only once, to ask her nicely not to continue spreading false rumors about Hazel, and she had laughed in my face.

Other than them, I had the impression that both Shannon Faber, a factory worker Seven from Bonita, and Scarlett Hamel, an actress Two from Fennley, though from different backgrounds, were both a bit rude. Though I could be wrong, they often seemed to be glaring at the others. At least Scarlett couldn't possibly be the one starting the rumors, as she and Naomi seemed like best friends, almost joined at the hip. Right now, Scarlett seems to be comforting her, both of them wearing matching red lipstick and pink gowns. They look similar too, though Naomi is curvier, her hair a lighter blonde, and Scarlett is younger even though she looks more mature.

As Prince Ethan started taking girls on dates again, Scarlett and Naomi were both chosen by him, along with Agatha and Taylor. I started to get jealous about the other girls, and wondered how I'd feel if someone else were to win. Could I really be happy for her? I disliked this part of myself, and I tried to keep thoughts of the other girls away, but they kept me awake at night. The Selection was starting to take its toll on me. On top of the nightmares and the insomnia I had, I was doubting whether Ethan liked me at all, or if I was just a choice out of many for him, and if that was fair to think. Moreover, I never though my caste mattered until I got here, but now the discrimination was as clear as day to me, and it made be worried about my standing in the competition.

My maids sensed my bad mood, and did their best to cheer me up with pampering and small-talk, but everything was seeming dull, muted. The monotonous days passed by, some in my room, some in the Women's room, as I tried to concentrate on studying what we learned with Miss Nicole. Gwen was also in a bad mood, so we didn't talk much, although Hazel often tried to cheer me up with jokes. 

I was in the Women's room when I heard the whispers of a new rumor circulating. Weirdly enough, the rumor was about the person who usually spread them. The last person to have had a date with Prince Ethan was Audrey Atkins, and she had been eliminated immediately afterwards. "What do you think she did wrong?" Ariel whispered. "I heard she said some awful comment about some of the girls." Ruby replied, seemingly looking around. "Do you think it was about Agatha? He seems to like her an awful lot." Elena speculated, and I felt a slight pain in my chest. "It was definitely about girls lower than a Four: Audrey didn't like those who were a lower caste than hers..." Evelyn, who had been sitting next to them, gasped. That left only three girls: Agatha, Shannon and me. This was all so stupid, I couldn't stand being around everyone anymore.

I took refuge in my room. My maids were gone, probably working on a new dress, so I was completely alone. After a few minutes though, the silence was disrupted by a knock on the door. On the other side, I expected to see Hazel, maybe Gwen, coming to check on me since I had simply ran off from the Women's room. Who I definitely did not expect was Ethan, standing in my door frame, without his suit jacket, his long over his shoulders when it was usually tied back.

"Hello Luna, do you have a moment?" I stood there, stunned, my hand still on the door. "Of course, please come in." He walked in, seeming nervous, so I tensed up, afraid. I realized that he was perhaps coming to eliminate me for what I had hidden from him. He continued pacing my room, looking around, as I stood quietly. "You don't have any pictures of your foster family? Your friends?" Ethan asked, staring at the blank walls. I ducked my head, rubbing my arm anxiously. "I... didn't really have any good friends, before the Selection." His face softened, and he inched closer to me. "I'm happy you're getting along with the other girls." He gestured to the couch, awkwardly. "May I sit?" He asked, seeming nervous again. I nodded and he sat, patting the space beside him for me to take.

"I'm a bit embarrassed." Ethan confessed, not looking at me. "About what?" I tilted my head, not understanding the direction of the conversation. "I didn't know who to talk to." He let out a breath. "You see, I was in my room, feeling upset and, I was comforted at the thought of you girls. And you know, you make me feel especially comfortable." I stayed very still, left speechless. "Although were from different backgrounds, and have gone through different things, I feel like we understand each other. Do you think so too?" I stared at him, as he took my hand. "I feel the same way. Will you tell me what's wrong?" He sighed, his expression so sad. "So much." He started. "I can't shake off the guilt I'd been feeling, and I been thinking I should call off the whole Selection."

I wasn't expecting that. "What? Why?" I didn't want this to end. "It's all my fault, all the stress, the deaths, the hardships... If I had not chosen to go through with this whole thing, none of this would've happened." I didn't understand. "Isn't the Selection a tradition?" He nodded. "Not one my father wanted to follow, though. I was to have an arranged marriage, but I selfishly hoped I could find love instead." I looked down at our hands, feeling bad for him. "No one could blame you for that, we all want to find love."

"I don't know if I will. I feel like I'm just a prize to be won, just a crown more than I am a boy. I've never cared about you ladies' castes, and was so foolish to think you wouldn't care about mine." Did I want to be a princess more then I wanted to find someone to love, to be with? I'd never thought so. "Ethan... not every of these girls think that way about you. You're so much more than your title, can't you see? You're so much more... to me." He squeezed my hand, and we stayed like that for awhile. "You mean a lot to me too, Luna."

I wanted to ask if I was just a choice to him, I wanted to ask how he felt about the other girls. But he was so upset, I couldn't bring myself to be selfish. "Are you feeling better?" I asked him instead, concerned. He shook his head. "I really am. Thank you for listening to me, Luna." He leaned in, paused a moment, then kissed my cheek. I wanted more, but he stood up to leave. I wanted to ask him to stay, I wanted him to hug me. But before I could muster up the courage to ask, he let go my hand and said goodbye. I touched my cheek, and wondered if anything could feel so sweet as his kiss.