A Player, A Bet and The Badass Nerd

Love and Conflict

Ian's P.O.V

"Get out!" I growled but she didn't listen.

"Ian," She whispered painfully.

The way she said it shook my heart and I wasn't sure if she stayed any longer I'd be able to let her go. We were very much alike; her and I. The way we pushed the other away only to pull them back in an instant. She did something to me that no other girl could and it scared me. Sometimes I felt that I would be nothing without her. Even worse, I feared what I would become if we stayed with her. The possessiveness I felt towards her was unreal and I made me feel like I could become another person entirely. She ruled my emotions and I danced around in the palm of her hand. Was there really anything I wouldn't do for her at this point?

"Get out!" I tried again but I couldn't muster as much resolve as the first time.

I already didn't want her to go. I didn't want her to leave my side. The thought of losing her was like having my heart ripped to shreds from the inside out. She was my everything and if she was no longer mine I would cease to exist.

  "You know Ian, I'm not the great person you take me for. I wasn't kidding when I told you that I was selfish!"  

She threw me a beautiful but smile as she spoke and my heart began to squeeze. God how I loved her. She thought I didn't know that she was selfish. I knew it and I foolishly loved her despite it. She ripped my heart out over and over and I just couldn't help putting in back in to let her rip it out again. She had no idea what I really thought of her.

"I know that you think that I'm some little all forgiving saint but I'm not really. The reason I fight to keep people in my life is because I'm a coward who is too scared to let them go. Like with Summer, I hate her for a lot of the shit she has done but I'm too scared to let go of our history. To me it means that I have failed as a friend more so than really caring of the fact that I'll lose her. That's the kind of ugly person I am!" she said in a rush,

She always thought the worst of herself but she wasn't as bad as she told herself she was. I'd seen it for myself that she loved Summer despite what she said. The way she cried when she thought she had lost her. The way she didn't want to say a bad thing about her. The way she forgave her and embraced her even after her  short givings. She would then put the blame on herself after they had a fight thinking that she failed her and that she should be more accommodating. She thought that her fear of letting go of people made her a coward and that the negative emotions she held made her bad. But everyone was like that sometimes, harbouring dark feelings. That didn't make her bad; it just made her human.

"I don't see you that way," I reassured her.

She was way better than she gave herself credit for.

"I know you don't," she sighed.  "Today, when I was staring at him-"

And just like that the rage and jealousy was back. I couldn't help the wave of emotions that swept over me every time I thought about her and him. It was clear that she noticed and she gave me time to compose myself. She didn't so much as look away from my eyes and her unwavering stare made me feel like she saw straight through me to the depth of these emotions. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes as I tried to discard my negative emotions. I had to keep telling myself the only way to get through this was to hear her out. So I calmed myself and prepared my heart. When she was sure I was ready to listen; she continued.

"When I was staring at him it wasn't out of love," she began. 

I wanted to argue but she cut me off and continued. 

"I was staring at him in outrage. I couldn't believe how far he had fallen from the man he had been. To think he had done all of that bullshit to me and in front of his father he became some feeble little wimp. I was upset because after all he had done to me and how unrelenting he had been despite me and my parents efforts; he was so easily subdue by a few unremarkable words. What was my suffering for?" she exclaimed angrily.