aTRACKion

Chapter Twenty Three

It is thought that a damn good cry can make you feel better...well, it doesn't.

Since returning home, I have cried a lot.

I have moped a lot.

Thought about what I am to do, a lot.

After all of that crying, the moping and the thinking, I'm still not even close to feeling any better. There's a big and dark disappointment swelling within me. An endless and numb void that just won't be filled.

Poor Nancy got woken up by me arriving back home in the early hours, and all of my tears and all of our quiet and emotional talking until dawn, will no doubt make her day at work now feel like a really hellish one.

She was so sweet, so understanding.

She didn't question my reasons for leaving. She didn't even judge Doug. All she said was that once the emotional dust had settled, that both me and Doug were going to have to have a very frank and very difficult conversation with one another. She also said that I ran, because I care. That I'm upset, because I care. Which I know is right. Nancy, is right about everything.

But, I'm still so upset.

Everything is still a foggy chaos inside my head.

I've showered.

I've unpacked.

And I need some sleep.

Locking the door that connects my flat to the main house, I feel ready to shut out my problems; in favour of some desperately needed sleep.

I can talk to mum and dad later. I can avoid Tezzer's being nosey about me and Doug, later too. I just need to close my sore and dry eyes. I just need my mind to quieten and for my heart to beat with less ache. As my swollen eyelids come down over my eyes that have seen and cried too much already, I become only aware of my breathing. The flat is quiet and dark. This is my small place of sanctuary. My four walls of sanity.

Here, I can let go. Here, I can breathe.

I inhale, the silent calmness.

And exhale, the painful chaos.

In and out.

In and out.

Over and over.

Slow and deep ins.

Even slower and steadier outs.

Hopefully, when I wake up later on, all will be clearer. It may not be any less painful, but all should be a little more clearer. For now, I just need the comfort of peace and quiet. The comfort of sleep.

**

I don't know how long I have been asleep for, but it feels like nowhere near enough sleep has been had.

My eyelids still feel sore and heavy.

My body still feels sore and heavy.

Even my soul still feels sore and heavy.

Exhausted and disoriented, I become aware of my mobile vibrating madly on the bedside table next to my bed. I stare at it for just a blurry couple of seconds, while it annoyingly keeps juddering around.

Stretching over, my weak fingers pick up my phone; the same phone that suddenly stops quivering in my hands. Squinting, my raw eyes can see that Doug has called me five times. Then, nearly giving me a heart attack, a text message arrives while I still have my phone held between my startled hands.