YELLOW ! kim jonghyun.✓

N O T E

thank you, everyone.

ㅡ

dear jonghyun,

its august 25th, 2018 now.

its been a while, and i miss you so much.

i've been getting better in everything i do these days, i promise.

i'm not so sad about it anymore.

because whenever i think of you and talk about who you were with my new friends, they don't understand or even know who you are, but they look so glad because i smile.

it used to be hard for me to even say your name.

when i showed my family your videos, i told them i wasn't going to cry. i really tried, i tried to be strong, but i couldn't.

i'm sorry, angel.

months have passed. . . and i think about other things now. its difficult to go on with my days sometimes because its so hard.

my feelings are numb.

i don't feel sad but nor do i feel happy.

its complicated but i'm getting better.

even if people don't believe me, i'm sure that i believe myself.

and jjong, i'm learning to love myself too!

whenever i look into the mirror i don't say "you're ugly" or wince anymore.

i try not to let myself down so easily.

now i just need someone to be there for me all the time, to hold my and help me heal myself for the better. maybe a friend, or a guardian angel that will watch over me and be connected to my hip without me even knowing.

i desire so much for a person like that.

i remember in december, after you left, and my sister came into my room crying, when she told me.

then i felt like i lost everything.

and i'm not going to lie that i was close to your group. not yet at least.

i was still learning about you all and unfortunately, after i learned all of your names finally, you had to go.

but its okay, its not your fault.

jonghyun, i'm so so sorry.

i'm so sorry for all the pain you had and you fought, you did, but you knew you had to let go and i'm sorry.

i wrote a book about you.

do you ever see me writing it from up there?

and if so, do you like it?

it's called yellow and it was mostly inspired by 'she is', one of my favorite tracks by you.

a lot of people thanked me for writing yellow.

and i don't understand why.

they said i was giving you justice, but that book was just made for me to cope.

they tell me they love that book,
and so do i.

my best friend, when we came back to school after christmas, she made sure i didn't cry during classes.

and when i did she was always there for me.

and thats when i decided i would write yellow for you, to help me and others heal. i didn't think my terrible writing would help, though.

now the book is over, and i'm crying again. don't worry,

they're truly happy tears.

i love you.

so much.

and i always hope you'll come back,

but its okay if you won't.

you'll always be in the little place next to the numb sides of my heart when i exhale, and i'll never forget you're there.

and i hope you're doing fine in heaven, angel.

ㅡ k. g. e.