Trash I Write When I'm Sad II

im sorry.

i know i havent written for awhile.
im sorry.
and i know that boils down to two possibilities.
im happier；
or im getting too sad to write.
im assuming its the second one
since my grades are dropping
and so is my confidence
and ive been crying more
the sun is hurting my eyes
and every day just goes by in a haze

im getting bad again
like i did a few years ago
because ive been ignoring my classes
ive stopped talking to my friends
my grades have dropped
and i am constantly in fear
of everything.

ive been trying to write but i dont know what
ive been trying to cry but ive stopped drinking water
i dont eat as proudly as i used to, i only eat small lunches
and i spend my days
in my bed
trying to sleep before i fall apart
but ive never been able to sleep
although when i do i cant wake up

im riddled with anxiety
i own a first class pass to the show；
they play with fire and snow
and theyll either make your heart cold
or too tender to hold

i dont really know what to say
im just always apathetic and tired
because everything is so much colder than it used to be
and it doesnt feel great
i used to tell myself that tears were nessesary
they help make the disgusting soup of life
but they feel so terrible
injected with demons and shame
because im the only one whom is fit to take blame
and i hate my name but i hesr it everyday
it fills me with rage knowing that im different
when i just want to blend in
fit in
hide myself in the crowd
and bury my nose in work
because them no one notices you

and i hate it when people notice me

i guess ill publish and lie in bed
praying that the weight on my chest will be gone by morning