empty

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by ThisisLife69

by ThisisLife69

I'm very empty
In more ways than one
Sure, my stomach is empty
My mind is too
But my heart is,
And that I'm not used to

And I can tell because I lay awake in my bed, staring out the window
Or because im distracted in class
Staring at the floor, and it takes a few tries to get me to snap out of it
Maybe it's because I don't care about my grades anymore
Or because I realized
That you can't wake from a nightmare
If you aren't asleep

Now listen,
I've taken all the steps
I drink the oof sploosh
I eat green shit
I go under the giant fireball in the sky
I talk to other apes like myself
I've tried to filter my feelings into my paintings
Or writing

But sometimes
Some people
aren't meant to be saved, I guess
I mean, I'm
Okay with that I think
If everyone was happy,
It would be kind of weird

And I wouldn't consider killing myself
Or hurting myself
Although sometimes I want to

I'm kind of just an empty shell
Drifting through the halls
Staying quiet, hardly noticed
Because im slowly fading from existence
And soon I'll just be a memory

I don't know

I think I'm okay with it

I never have any feelings, anyway
Occasional sadness
But I'm mainly numb or apathetic
Frustrated
That my mind
Is such a cranberry fucknut
That it won't make the happy chemical

[She sighed heavily]

I thought I had everything figured out
You know?

I was Bisexual, gender fluid
I was going to go to the Culinary Institute of America for pastry arts
The one in New York, closer to family
I was going to live with my bestfriend
We knew everything
How much the average rent costed
Or average groceries

But
.
.
.
I kind of just fell apart

And I hurt her alot

I guess I deserved losing a few friends though
Maybe I was too happy
Or maybe I did something wrong

I don't know
I never know anymore

I'm clueless