Chocolate || JackSepticEye x Markiplier / Darkiplier || Currently Writing

Update

So, hi.

I'm very aware this probably isn't the update you guys wanted but I just wanted to say a few things.

1) I finished my GCSEs and got the results I wanted. I'm happy and in a good place after an amazing summer holiday

2) I have absolutely no clue when I will next update this story. I will get around to it someday, I promise.

3) My mental health has been going through constant dips over the last three years. It's been fucking hell. I've hated it, but at the same time, after struggling I managed to make some fucking brilliant friends who have helped me so much. I love them all dearly. 

Thank you all for understanding and I love you all.

I wrote this the other night. Who knows, one day I might edit it properly and put it in a story. It is about me, yes. It is my thoughts. I just want you to know I'm not in this place anymore - at least not at the moment - but it was nice to spill. You don't have to read it by any means. 

*Trigger Warning: talk of cutting and dying*

I'm a fifteen-year-old girl and I don't know what's wrong with me.

The feeling of constantly fucking something up or hurting someone drowns me whenever I think. And, let's be honest, all I do is think. Think, think, think. It's painful. Downright painful to be trapped in my mind 24/7, but what can I do? It's not as easy as just flicking a switch and being happy, although I try my hardest to make it seem like it is. Wearing a mask all day, every day is exhausting, but what other choice do I have? None, really. Unless I want everyone to know just how much of a mess I am - which I don't.

They already know though. I mean, it's hard for them not to realise something is up when I'm forever turning up to school late (or not turning up at all) and no longer participating in any club that I used to love. I just don't find any joy in it anymore. How can I when my head is nagging me non-stop? Simple answer: I can't.

I'm more than aware my grades are slipping into depths they've never been to before. Not to brag, but until year 8 I was a straight A* student - in the majority of my subjects at least. A real teacher's pet. Now I can't even raise my hand in class to answer a simple question or ask for help when stuck. It sucks. I want to, I really do, but instead, I just feel my hard work dripping down the drain, every hour another fat water droplet. Nothing makes sense anymore, all the lessons I miss amounting to a pile of work I'm more than sure I'll never 'have the time to catch up on' and every second I am in class my stupid head doesn't concentrate anyway.

And still, I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been to countless counselors, but they don't help. I just can't trust them - even though it's their job to say nothing to anyone unless it puts me or others in danger. It's not like I'm gonna cut anyway. I've tried countless times but I'm too much a bitch to do it. Too scared of blood. Too scared someone will notice. I don't want anyone to notice. I just want to be alone.

But, at the same time, all I want is for someone to be there and comfort me. Hold me and rock me until I've cried every tear I can cry. Listen to me and not speak. I don't expect anyone to understand - I don't understand myself. I just want someone to confide in and to tell when I feel the urge to hurt myself. I've only ever discussed cutting with one person before. She does it. It was hard. I don't understand her situation, I don't want her to hurt herself. But I do understand that need to feel something. And yet, I don't allow myself to and it adds onto the list of things I beat myself up about as I sit swallowed by my thoughts.

Sleeping is hard, but at the same time, it's an escape. A lovely escape from everything and everyone. I don't dream, I don't have nightmares. I just... disappear. When I do dream, it's glorious. I get noticed by nobody and watch the people I love leading happy lives - even if the happiness can never occur in the real world. Sleep is healing.

However, the worst feeling is waking up. My head starts to throb instantly and I come crashing into reality and, once again, the ticking of the clock begins as I repeat the same thing again and again, stuck in a perpetual loop like groundhog day, the only thing changing being my want to die growing immeasurably.

I'm a sixteen-year-old girl and I don't know what's wrong with me.

*It is NOT healthy to think about cutting that way - being 'too much of a bitch to do it' isn't good or right thinking - but it is how I thought of myself (and still do when I get down)*