Senseless

June 25, 1882 - Merritt

Hanny is coming but she is not able to leave when I do. She will follow me to London. I leave for teh city tomorrow morning, she will come a day or so later. She had been shocked when I'd asked her to come, her reaction as uncertain as I'd felt about asking. She no doubt knew that I'd been given the task of choosing a companion—since she'd surely read the letter from Gabe even before I had. Regardless, I have yet to confront her about that knowledge and I have yet to decide if I will. But it is late and now is not the time to decide; instead I shall recount how her coming came to be:

I mentioned it to her after dinner a few nights ago. It was late and all the other patients were in bed, I probably should have been as well, but I was running out of time and I had delayed long enough. It was the nurse's night to keep initial watch and so the nuns were taking their evening tea in the parlor. There was no better time. I knocked and waited for a response.

"Come." Sister Alberta called.

I opened to door and stepped into the pretty room. I was met with four pairs of eyes. "Miss Holbrook?" Sister Florence said, "Why are you out of bed at this hour?"

I hesitated, my eyes darting to where Hanny sat a few feet from me. "I needed to speak to Sister Johanna. It's urgent."

Hanny set her cup and saucer onto a side take and began to stand, "Is something wrong?"

I held out a hand to stop her. "No, please, don't bother. I only wish to ask you about my move to London."

Hanny settled back onto the armchair. "What about it?"

"I've been asked to find a companion, someone to stay with me while I'm living with Gabe. His wife worries I will be lonely without a friend and she is very active in her community."

"Oh." Hanny swallowed, "You've been so quiet recently..." Everyone froze, all the adults looking at her, as she processed my request. She ducked her head, made a show of smiling gratefully. "I—I thought maybe you were upset with me." That was softer, words meant only for me to hear.

I gripped the doorframe to steady myself and explained, "I'm not upset. Just adjusting to the idea of going somewhere else. It would be an easier adjustment if you'd be willing to accompany me. I'm sure it wouldn't be forever." I focused my attention on the far wall as I said, "But of course, I understand if you don't want to—"

"No," Hanny said softly, "I'll go. I," her eyes darted to Sister Florence and the older woman smiled encouragingly, "I've been thinking of leaving the order."

There was a collective gasp, Sisters Alberta and Margret expressing their astonishment, while Sister Florence seemed unphased. This was unmistakably not something she was hearing for the first time. "What ever for?" Sister Alberta said. She was looking at Hanny as if she'd never seen her before.

"Not for any one reason, I just feel called to serve elsewhere. I've spoken to Sister Florence at length about it and she agrees that I should follow what I believe God's will to be."

"And you do not believe it is here?" Margret asked solemnly.

"I believe it was here, for a time. But I do not believe that I am meant to remain at St. Agatha's. I am not meant to remain a nun."

"What has spurred these feelings?" Sister Angelica asked.

"I have felt the call to be useful in other places."

"Like?"

Hanny could not hide the blush that crept along her cheeks as she admitted, "I believe I might like to one day be a wife and a mother. It wasn't until I was stationed here, and given the opportunity to work with the little ones, that I really felt myself find a calling. I believe God put me here so that I would see what He wanted for me. And I do not believe remaining in the order would assist me in obtaining His desires for my life."

"It is decided then." Sister Florence said, her smile easy and kind. "You will leave us and assist Miss Holbrook in her transition to London life. I ask that you remain until midweek so that I might secure a replacement for you, but after that is done you are free to do as you please. You have my full blessing. I wish you only the best." Her gaze shifted to mine, "You as well, Merritt."

It was the first time she had ever used my first name. I had always been Miss Holbrook to her, first names were meant for friends, not patients. Not demon possessed girls. Murderers. Killers. Not meant for me. And yet here I was, being called by my first name. I do not know what the future holds for me after this place, I am not sure about Lucius or even about this Mr. Desmott fellow, but I find that I am hopeful.

*****

Hey fellow Victorians,
Thank you for reading up until this point! Don't forget to comment and like if you're enjoying what you're reading. And just like that, our Miss Merritt Holbrook is leaving for something new. She is quite the trusting soul, is she not? Do you think leaving the asylum and working with Dr. Abaddon is a good idea? Let me know your thoughts.
❤️ Thanks.