Sykeskarth: a Guide For Dummies

Too Late To Save Him*

A/N: NOT WRITTEN BY ME! All credit goes to kallie_larry_forever on ao3. Slightly altered by me — spelling mistakes etc. TRIGGER WARNING: suicide, self harm, Depression, loss, very sad

Oli has been acting weird the last few weeks. Lately he has been distant. He hasn't been the happy cheerful Oli I know and love. He also hasn't been eating as much. I am really worried about him. Every time I've tried to ask him about, he either says his fine, changes the subject or tries to distract me with his gorgeous body.

I woke up to find an empty bed. Oli wasn't laying there next to me asleep like he normally is. He always likes to sleep in and is a pain to get up in the morning. I was really worried.
"Oli!?" I yelled running through the house. I was really scared
I hoped he wasn't doing what I thought he was doing.
I ran to the bathroom to find the door was locked
"Oli?"
There was no answer.
"Oli baby, please open to door. I'm worried about you." I pleaded banging on the door. No answer.
I ran into our room and grabbed my keys, before unlocking the bathroom door.
Oli was laying on the floor, in just his boxers, with cuts up both his arms and blood everywhere.
I was now in tears. I sat down on the floor and pulled Oli's limp body into my arms. He was still breathing. Only just. I grabbed Oli's phone off the bench near the sink and called 000.
I rode in the back of the ambulance with him, and called Kellin and Vic on the way to the hospital.
When they took Oli in for surgery, I fell to the ground in tears. I didn't want to leave his side. I was so scared I was going to lose him.
After about an hour, the doctor came and spoke to us.
"I'm so sorry Mr Gaskarth-Sykes, we did everything we could. As well as the cuts, there was also a large amount of painkillers in his system. The large blood loss and amount of pills was to much for his body to handle. Your husband's dead."
(Oli and I have been married for three years. Bring Me The Horizon  broke up 18 months ago and All Time Low 12 months ago..)
I broke down to the floor in tears. The love of my life is dead.
"NO!? HE CAN'T BE DEAD." I screamed.
Kellin pulled me into his arms.
"I'm so sorry Alex."

The funeral was the following week. Oli's mum wanted me to make a speech. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.
"Oli was my whole world. He was the love of my life. He was the reason I got up in the morning. He was the reason I went to bed. He was the first thing I thought about in the morning, and the last at night. He was my reason for existence. I remember when we first met, we didn't really get along at first. I actually thought  he was an uptight arsehole, but over time we became friends and eventually grew quite close. I think I loved him before I realised it myself. About a month ago we were talking about adopting a little girl and starting a family. Now its all too late. I just want him back. I knew something was wrong with him. I knew he wasn't right. Every time I'd ask him about it, he would say he was fine or changed the subject. I didn't push it. I knew Oli. He was very stubborn and would've told me when he was ready. This is all my fault. If I just pushed him on it, he could have still been here. I would still have my beautiful husband." I was now a a wreck. Kellin and Vic had to help me back to my seat.

Two weeks. That's how long I lasted without him. About a week after the funeral, I was going through Oli's phone. I was looking at all the crazy selfies we took together, when I accidentally went into notes. It was there I found a letter addressed to me. It was he suicide note. Oli knew I would go through his phone. He knew I'd find it eventually.

Dear Alex,
I love you so much. I'm sorry I didn't tell you what was happening. I loved you too much to worry you, because you always worried about me too much. You were my whole world Alex. You were the only reason I stayed strong for so long. You literally kept me alive. I didn't want to leave you. I cared about you too much to cause you that much heartache, but I gave in. I gave into the hate and into my depression. I need you to stay strong for me. I want you to live the life we planned without me. I want you to adopt and raise a little girl as our own for both of us. I want you to watch her grow into a beautiful woman we could both be proud of. I want you to stay strong and join me only when your time comes. Please don't be a coward and give into the temptation like I did. Live your life for both of us. Alex Gaskarth-Sykes, I know you can do it. You are so much stronger than I was.
-Oli xoxo

I read and re-read the letter over and over again. My poor baby. He is so wrong. I can't do what he wants me to do. I am not as strong as he thinks I am. I can't live without him.
It took about a week after reading Oli's letter before I finally gave in.
I went into the bathroom, broke one of my razors and grabbed the blade. I sat down on the floor with my back against the bath tub and started cutting. I made a long deep cut from just below my elbow down to my wrist. I did the same on my other arm. I think started to make deep cuts on my thighs, before passing out unconscious. It only took about three minutes for my heart to give out. I could now spend eternity with my Oli.