Sykeskarth: a Guide For Dummies

Sunflowers

The drive to his mother's house was silent. I didn't want to play music. I gripped the steering with in anxiety, digging my nails into the material, not caring if it left imprints. If he didn't accept me this time it would be over.

"Fuck!" I yelled, jerking my head forward. It had only been a month but to me it felt like a decade. The bouquet of sunflowers laid beside me on the seat, staring me down judgmentally, laughing at my pathetic ass. If I wasn't such a prick maybe, he wouldn't have left. He didn't specify if he was going to come back. He left without a word, in the middle of the night. I was going insane, he hadn't picked up the phone once, or opened my texts. I was worried sick, but I knew he was just mad. The only thing I had left was to pray he was there, at his mum's house. It's the only place he could realistically go, though if he wasn't there I'd take it upon myself to drive around every single one of his friend's houses until I found him. I was mostly mad at myself, though the way he left wasn't the best way to resolve our fight. We had been having more and more fights recently. They were all my fault; I couldn't blame him for a single one. He cared for me, a lot. We had been together for way too long for me to give up on him. Maybe this is his way of testing me? Seeing if I will come back to him? Do I care though? I just want my kitten back; I love him so much. He hadn't taken all his clothes, but I knew he had taken 2 of my sweaters, his favourite ones. If he was breaking up with me he would have left them... right? God Alex, please take me back.

I pulled up onto the side of the road in front of Isobel's house. God, it had been ages since I was here, was it on her birthday? Probably, Alex would never miss him mum's birthday. I looked into the mirror as I turned off the ignition. God I should have taken more care of myself before I came here. Or should he see me breaking? No. It wasn't his fault. He's the one suffering. My eyes were red and swollen, dark circles framing the brown orbs, my face now overgrown, my hair greasy. I attempted to somehow put my hair in place and sighed, straightening down my denim jacket. I picked up the flowers, heading out of the car and making my way up to the doorstep. The house was pretty small, Isobel had moved out and into a smaller house after Peter's death, too many memories and space, I guess. I took a deep breath, shuffling on my feet, finally getting the courage to press the doorbell. It took longer than it should before he opened. He was here. He looked startled to see me, tired eyes widening. He was wearing pyjama's and one of my oversized sweaters, eyes as red and swollen as mine, his hair messy. Neither of us were coping very well, I see.

"Oli?" he questioned, quietly, almost too quietly to hear.

"Alex,' I replied as quietly. I could feel a lump in my throat, swallowing up every word I had rehearsed for the last 3 hours. "I- I'm sorry," I managed to choke out. He looked confused and sad, as I extended my hands, pushing the flowers towards him. "Sunflowers, your favourite." He smiled a little, admiring the flowers as he took them.

"Why are you here?" he asked, his tone suddenly growing cold. Breathe. Okay, here goes.

"Truthfully? Alex God, it's been a month. A month and I can't live like this. Knowing you're mad at me, knowing I fucked up so bad. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I have no excuse for anything over the past few weeks. You had every right to leave, you did, but I can't be without you. I know I don't deserve you, and it's selfish to say I need you, but I do Alex, God I do. I miss your body pressed to mine at night, the bed is awfully cold without you. I miss you reading downstairs as I make dessert, I miss holding you until you fall asleep as we watch dumb romantic comedies, I miss you. Every second is an hour in my time, I need you again, please just, just take me back," I took a death breath, trying to stop myself from breaking down as I rambled. I looked at Alex, cheeks stained with pretty salty tears and it took every fibre in my being to not reach out and wipe his eyes, pick him up and hold him close, take him home. "I'll change I promise. It's been rough with us I know, constant bickering and stress, mainly from my side, but I'll change for you I promise," I begged him. I wanted to marry this boy. I couldn't give him up. Anyone else would say 'I just want you to be happy.' No, I know my Alex, I want him to be mine, mine and only mine. That's the only way he can be happy. And if that is selfish, then so be it. He's mine. Suddenly he dropped the flowers, throwing his arms around my neck and cuddling into me. I squeezed his waist tightly, breathing in his hair, and maybe it smelt gross, but it was him and I didn't care.

"I missed you," he mumbled into my jacket, sobbing as did I. I fell to my knees with him, cradling his fragile frame in my arms, holding him on my lap protectively.

"Come home baby," I whispered through tears, kissing the top of his head, feeling him nod.

"I love you, I shouldn't have left," he mumbled, not letting go of me.

"Shhhh," I shushed him, rocking him in my arms. "Come on, let's go home. We'll pick your things up tomorrow," I whispered, standing up with him in my arms.