Hold On (I Still Need You) // muke

chapter two

"Did you see what Michael posted on his spam account?" Ashton asked him. "You should really talk to him about it. I'm worried."

Luke rose an eyebrow. "He doesn't have a spam account."

"He does? That's why I'm telling you to talk to him. His posts have been worrying." His elder friend insisted and Luke held his hand out. "It's about his anxiety and self-harm."

"It's about what?" Luke whispered and then took Ashton's phone to read what he posted. He scrolled through the account and then stood up, immediately tossing the device at him.

"He didn't tell you?"

"He hasn't talked about it to me in months. I didn't even know he had that account. I didn't even know he-he-"

"- you better go talk to him. Luke, he's hurting." Ashton pointed to the door. "Take care of your boyfriend."

How can he take care of someone who doesn't talk to him?

"Screenshot those and send it to me. I want them." Luke pointed at Ashton's phone. "I'm going home to talk to him. He should be back from Calum's by now."

Luke was already half way to the door before he could even open his mouth to agree or disagree to his request.

-

He shut the door to their shared house and then looked around, finding the living room empty and the kitchen spotless. No physical sign of his boyfriend anywhere.

"Michael?" He called out, hoping to God that the boy was here and sober. He wouldn't be surprised if he was high however, Calum was known to be the plug to people.

Luke walked through the hallway to their shared room. He wasn't there either. "Michael?" He asked and soon after the door to their bathroom opened.

He took in his appearance, sweat glistened skin and wide, red eyes. He didn't look high. He looked more sad if anything. But he still questioned his sobriety.

"Are you off anything?" He asked and the older man shook his head.

"No, not right now. I just got back from Calum's house. He hasn't gotten anything lately since he had to get tested for his new job." He wiped his nose before approaching him.

"Were you... crying?" He asked worriedly and Michael shook his head. "Are you lying to me?"

"Luke, I'm fine. What's wrong with you?" He chuckled as if everything was fine. "Why are you being like this?"

"Because I know." He answered as he held his phone in his hand. "I know you're not okay."

"Really, I'm alright -"

"- Bullshit." Luke snapped and he could tell his boyfriend was taken back. "Don't lie to me."

Michael shook his head. "Baby, I'm not -"

"- Ashton showed me your secret account." He cut him off. "I saw the pictures. I read the captions. I-I know those dates."

His boyfriend didn't reply.

He threw the phone on to the bed and then ran a hand through his hair as he paced the room. He could feel his confusion and anger flare up inside of him, and he tried his best to keep a level head but he couldn't. Not right now. Not again. Not when he finally has a sober man in front of him but they can't do anything because he's been lying to him. He's been hiding things from him.

"Luke..."

"Nobody cares about you?" He asked. "Nobody's there for you?"

Luke wasn't sure how he was feeling at this point, but he knew it was anything but good. Maybe he was feeling incompetent, or invisible, or maybe he was just lost, but it was clawing at his throat and burning him from the inside out. He could feel his skin burning red, and for his knuckles - white. He didn't understand.

"I -"

"- No, you can't do this to me," Luke snapped, fed up with Michael's frequent cavalier behavior. "You cannot say nobody cares about you when-when you don't let them care."

"I always let people care, they just do-"

"- Then who the fuck am I?" Luke asked him. "What the fuck am I if you're standing there complaining that no one cares about you and your problems?"

"You know what I'm talking ab-"

"- I really fucking don't, Michael. I sit and I worry about you and prepare myself for you to talk to me but you run away from me." Luke yelled. "You run away from me when I confront you, Michael. And for what? For you to rant that nobody cares? For you to lie to my face about how you're feeling?"

"I don't think that anybody truly does." Michael finally got a full sentence out. "I don't feel like anybody really does."

"I text you when I'm worried and talk to you when I know you need it. I try so hard to care for you but you turn to the most self destructive ways to just forget your problems." Luke pointed out to him and then looked at the floor. "I-I-I don't get it."

"You don't get what?" Michael asked him and Luke licked his lips before looking up at his boyfriend.

"How you can have the world in your hands but-but still think you have nothing?" Luke almost laughed, finding Michael flinching at his loud voice. He cared, but not enough. Not when he's been high the past two weeks straight and has been lying to him and pushing him away.

"The world in my hands? I have nothing but myself and my-my-"

"- Your what? Your anxiety? Your depression? Your drugs? Am I not your boyfriend?" He asked. "Have I not tried to take care of you even when I had my own issues? Have I not stuck my neck out for you? Four years we've known each other. Four years I've been trying to help you."

"This isn't about you!" Michael replied. "This is about me! I can't help that I feel alone, that-that I can't come to you because I feel like a bother. I can't help that I need to be high all the time so I can feel human again."

"You can't say nobody cares about you so long as I'm alive, Michael. I'm here for you, and I always will be. Come to me. Talk to me. You don't need to hurt yourself or push it away with drugs or lie to me." Luke lowered his voice. "You don't need to feel alone. Stop putting yourself down when you are the most important thing in my life."

"Okay." He nodded and Luke opened his arms wide for him as he saw his green eyes fill with tears. "I'm sorry."

"I know." Luke murmured before kissing his boyfriend's head as rubbing his back. "It's okay. I know. I'm sorry for yelling too."