Hold On (I Still Need You) // muke

chapter four

He watched Michael place a white tab on his tongue before rubbing his eye, and Luke rolled his eyes as he saw him swallow it down. He grabbed a glass of orange juice and then approached the table.

"Eat. Now."

"I'm not a baby."

"Yet I still need to take care of you." Luke insisted as he handed Michael a plate of toast, poached eggs, and smashed avocados. "Eat."

"I'm not hungry." Michael repeated himself as he pushed the plate away from him. "I don't eat breakfast, you know that."

"Yeah, you don't eat breakfast, or lunch, or dinner sometimes. All I've seen you eat is a little bit of popcorn and maybe toast. Maybe. So you're gonna eat this." The younger man pushed as he set the plate in front of him again.

"I can take care of myself, Luke. I'll eat when I'm hungry." His boyfriend told him. He could hear the attitude rising in his voice.

"Bullshit. I know what you're doing, and I know that you won't even think about it. I'll sit here until you eat at least half of it." Luke pulled out a chair and took a seat. He crossed his arms over his chest.

Michael hung his head low. "Forcing me to eat won't help, you know. It's just going to make me feel worse."

"It's a start that I know you're too insecure to take." The blond defended himself and his actions.

Luke watched as he looked at the plate and then at him with sad eyes. "Why are you doing this?" He asked.

The blue eyes blond almost felt his teeth crack from how hard he had his jaw clenched. Did he not get it? Was he that thick? He must be completely blind if he didn't see that he cares for and about him.

"Why am I taking care of you or why do I care so much?" He nearly spit, not meaning to sound so upset but also hoping his agitation caught on. "Must we go through this again?"

"Do you have to turn everything into an argument?" Michael commented as he rubbed his temples. "Stop."

"I'm not arguing!"

"You're yelling at me. Why are you yelling at me?" He pointed out as he waved his hands in the air. "Lower your voice, please."

"I'm not yelling and I'm not arguing." Luke scoffed. "I'm just upset."

Michael chuckled almost brokenly. "At me, right? You're always upset with me. I'm never enough for you."

"Pardon?"

"Nothing I do is ever good enough for you! Don't deny it. Everyone sees it. You're so perfect and act so high and mighty, and I can't keep up. It makes you mad." Michael sad as he looked at him.

"No. I just don't see how after so many years, you still don't see that I'd do absolutely anything for you." Luke shrugged as he leaned forward. "I don't get why you don't understand that I'm here for you and you don't have to-to hurt yourself like this."

"I can't help it, Luke. I'm not-I'm not like you or Ashton or Calum. I'm not okay."

"So you can't help hurting yourself?" He asked in disbelief. "Just because you're not okay doesn't mean you have to relapse and hide it from the people who would drop dead for you."

"I didn't want you to know it was getting bad again." Michael defended himself. "I didn't think -"

"You didn't think what? That it's a big deal? That you shouldn't tell your boyfriend you want to fucking kill yourself? I don't know about you, but that's a big fucking deal to me." Luke angrily cut him off. "What happened to-to that entire year you went without it? When we graduated and finally started our lived together, you were clean, Michael. You went months without this mess of razors and drugs. Why now?"

"You don't get it." The older man nearly shouted. "You don't get how hard it is to-to stay clean. You don't understand how much it hurts to feel like this. Don't get mad at me for something I can't help, Luke."

"I don't get it because you want to pop pills, smoke weed, and-and do God knows what other kinds of drugs with your friends instead of talking to me. What goes through your head to make you think I won't help you?" Luke pleaded to understand. "What makes you think that I don't care? All I do is care, but all you do is push me away."

Michael sobbed, immediately covering his face right after. "Maybe... Maybe I don't want you to care." He whispered.

"What?"

"I said maybe I don't want you to care!" He yelled at him. "Maybe I-I want this and I don't want you to stop me."

"That's ridiculous." Luke leaned back into his chair. "How can you say no one cares but push away the one person who would drop to their knees and crawl through Heaven and Hell for you? Do you want someone or not? Do you even want to get better like you said?"

"Luke, maybe I want you to focus on your own problems." He sniffled and the blond looked away from him. "Maybe I want to handle this on my own."

"You're not doing a very good job at it then if I have to step in." He sneered as he stood up.

"Where-Where are you going?" He asked and Luke could feel his teary eyes following his movements.

"The point of a relationship is to love and care for one another." He shrugged a jacket on. "If you want to do this by yourself so badly, maybe we shouldn't be together right now. I care about you, but if you don't want me to care then maybe I shouldn't be wasting my time with it."

"Wait -"

"- I have done everything for you just for you to push me away and disregard me. I have been there through thick and through thin but you still don't seem to get it." He ranted as he grabbed his keys. "And the worst part of all, I don't even know if you want to get better! Am I doing this for nothing? Do you think that low of yourself that you believe this Hell is what you need and deserve?"

"Don't go." He begged and Luke turned away from him. "Luke, please."

"I can't handle this. I love you, Mikey. I really fucking love you and I'll never stop, but I need some space right now." He sighed. "Call me when you figure out what you need. Do you need your drugs for your problems, or do you need me? Do you want to get better, or do you want to sit and suffer?"

"Don't leave me alone. Please, Lu. I-I need you."

Luke turned to look over his shoulder to see Michael standing up from his chair. "It's not my job to care of you. I do it because I love you and I thought this is what you wanted. Talk to me when you decide how you want to live your life."

"You can't leave."

"Watch me."