Hold On (I Still Need You) // muke

chapter nine

Luke watched as Michael curled his body away from him when they got into his car, his eyes peering out the window and his knees pointed in his opposite direction. The younger boy sighed before he reached out to set a hand on his boyfriend's shoulder. "Are you alright?"

Silence.

"Mikey?"

No response.

"You scared me." Luke told him as he shut his car door. "You really fucking scared me back there."

Not even a blink.

"I thought... I thought I was going to lose you forever." Luke continued as his mouth dried. "I thought I'd never be able to hold you, or kiss you, or see your face when I wake up every morning. I thought that the future we planned together would have never happened because you would be... -"

"Are you mad at me?" He cut him off.

Luke was the quiet one now.

Michael let out a shaky breath. "Are you... Do you hate me?" He asked without meeting his eyes.

"I don't hate you, and I'm not mad at you." Luke tried to get him to look at him. "Can you just look at me? Please?"

Michael pushed his head lower against the window and the younger blond sighed as he looked at the center console between them. He was mad. Mad that Michael didn't talk to him. Mad that he couldn't have stopped him from swallowing all those pills. Mad that Calum could be so reckless with the drugs he shares with him. Mad that this situation happened a second time to someone close enough to almost kill him too.

"When Ashton and I were in highschool, he used to self harm." He started as he watched his fingers move against the car in a tapping sound. "He thought no one cared. He felt alone. He had me but he still felt so... worthless."

Michael's shoulders tensed. He was stiff, but Luke wasn't going to stop.

"Everyday I told him I cared. Everyday I told him I was there for him. Yet everyday inside of his head it told him otherwise, that voice of doubt and insecurity. One day after school he... he was hospitalized for blood loss after self harming and I was mad." He recalled his screaming match with the exhausted blond as he laid in his hospital bed. The anger. The tears. The relief. The pain.

"I was mad because I couldn't help him the way I knew I could have if he would have just let me in enough. Mad because... because if he would have passed away then I would have been alone. The only person I cared about would have been gone and I didn't have a say in it. Not a word. Because back then, he never told me he was hurting himself." He choked on his words as he curled his fingers into the skin Michael's shoulder.

"I'm not mad at you, Michael. I don't hate you the way you think that I do inside your head." Luke promised him with feathers in his words yet rocks in his voice. "I love you more than you could ever think or imagine. I care about you more than you could ever know. I just... I wish you'd let me help you the way you deserve."

"But you don't need to deal with my issues -"

"- but I want to. You're my future, my forever, and I want to help you. I need you."

Luke could feel his shoulders ease.

"I'd be so lost without you, so broken. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I didn't have you." He laughed through his upcoming tears. "You can't do that to me again. You're not the only one who's hurting, Mike. You're not the only one who's fighting. Your life would not have been the only one that stopped if you succeeded."

His shoulders fell. Then they shook.

"I-I don't deserve you."

Luke smiled to himself. "You deserve the world, Michael. You deserve everything; a future, a family, and a healthy life." He assured him.

Michael looked at him with red eyes. "What if I can't? What if I can't stop? I tried, but look where we are. Look what I-I've done."

Luke set his hand on his jaw, cupping his face and looking him in his stormy, emerald irises, darkened with pain and clouded with doubt. "Michael, you can do anything in the world, you just have to want it. Do you want to get better?"

He nodded.

"Then let me help you get better." Luke begged him. "Let me in. You don't bother me with your problems. You don't annoy me when you're sad. I'm here for you now and forever."

He nodded against and Luke leaned over to throw his arms around him. Michael buried his face into his neck and Luke clung to him for dear life as they both broke into sobs in the middle of the hospital parking lot. Luke was scared, excited, and nervous for his boyfriend. Michael was the same.

He can imagine the cold sweats. He can imagine the taunting voices just pushing him to turn back to habits he knows so well. The habits he's has since he was just fifteen. He can feel the itches, the headaches, the need to be high all he time and he hasn't even gone that long without having intoxication in his system. It hasn't even been ten minutes and he already knows he won't be able to do it by himself.

But Luke is there. No. Luke is here.

They hold on to each other tighter, and Luke tangled his fingers into Michael's hair as he pressed his nose into the hood of his sweater. He takes in the scent he's grown used to, allows himself to fall into the cologne he fell for so many years ago. He takes in his embrace, a hold that feels fuller than ever and much more meaningful than any half cuddle or sling of an arm. He lets himself fall into him, lets himself take in everything he's pushed away, hasn't given enough attention to, or skim over. He embeds it into his memory. He embeds Michael into his memory in case one day they find themselves in a hospital room again.

He hopes not. God, he prays that they're never out through this again. In a blink he could have been taken away from him. He was going to savour and appreciate every moment they spent together, and dedicate every second to helping his boyfriend because the ring inside his glove department needed a better home than some cheap velvet box.