i'm ace? and part of lgbt?

i think i can write this

(I honestly don't know whether to put a trigger warning on this chapter or not... there's not exactly anything major but wow I accidentally got really down about myself after typing up the main part of this chapter and showed a thing that I made. I'd say you're safe since it's just crap talk I write about myself and things Kauffman said that stabbed me in the heart a bit because of friendship and that crap, but take caution in case? Wow. I don't write possible trigger warnings well. I only wrote the first one because I showed the chapter to Strawberry Poptart first and she reminded me that yes a trigger warning was necessary for that. I'm not a great human.)

Now that I'm not getting light headed at the thought of Kauffman, maybe I'm mentally energized enough to write the stupid conversation.

None of you care about it since this is an ace journal but hey, who cares about me in the first place anyway?

Me: Okay I'm done with this I hate this why are you ignoring me

Kauffman: I'm not why?

Me: Because every time we make eye contact you ran off, you don't answer my emails, half my texts go unresponded, you go out of your way to not be around me, and you start doing this right after we talked about still being best friends.

K: Um I haven't got any emails and I can't be on my phone a lot.

Me: I literally see you emailing [a mutual friend] all the time. {Both times I've emailed him have been when his email was open.} And I know that you've talked to other people all the time on the phone

K: Like who?

Me: How bout I list off some people that I know you talk to frequently? Tell me if you've talked to them a lot recently {this was me beating around the bush to see if he'd admit to talking to my neighbor--which he had. And does.}

K: Um ok

Me: [Strawberry Poptart]

Me: That's probably a no who am I kidding / [Ex-girlfriend] {whom we're mutual friends with and has told me he's talked to him}

K: I dont talk to her on the phone much

Me: I don't mean just on the phone I mean in general. Cus I'd say in general we haven't talked.

K: Yea I texted u last night.

Me: Two messages that didn't make sense.

Me: Okay four big whoopdeedoo.

K: Yea that's more like it

Me: That's--That's not a real conversation though. Not a normal one, at least.

K: For u maybe

Me: For us, not me. / I miss talking to you all the time.

K: Well then learn the lesson

Me: What lesson, [Kauffman?] That I can't trust the one person I put all my trust in?

K: That u shouldn't always talk to someone {says the one who used to text me every morning and called me when he was bored and ended up hanging up to only call me back 15 minutes later because no one else picked up--on more than one occasion} and sometimes there are things called breaks

Me: I just--I just don't understand how you can say you still want to be best friends and then just take a break without saying something.

K: I am just not feeling well and I dont need u making things worst {thanks for thinking of others}

Me: I'd say I'm hurt because you think that I would when all I wanna do is make it better

K: I wanted to date u but that didn't happen so what {oh we're going there huh?}

Me: I can't date. It's not my choice. If I could I would [Kauffman] {what did I just--}

K: Well I wouldn't anymore

Me: I know that. And I understand that. Respect that. / I'll be better about the whole liking thing, I have been (I think).

K: It's also something else it's my time of the month 

Me: My brain is too rattled to come up with an answer {because he's using that as an excuse when I only talk to him more when mother nature decides to hate me? he's seriously going to talk to everyone else in the universe and make sure I know it when it's his "time of the month" [that's the way he worded it just using quotes]?}

Me: Okay wait what ur time of month?? {as far as I know you're a cIS MALE?}

Me: Talk to me I'm confused {I don't care if you're trans Kauffman just tell me because I can no longer safely assume things even when I literally have all the proof to think that way because anxiety/depression triggers}

So...

This conversation was two days ago.

I look him in the freaking eye in 8th hour.

Y'all kinda know he sits next to me in first.

He's also in my third hour, gym, and twice every other week we're in the same life ed class (when his teacher is in a meeting on Wednesdays he comes into my class, when mine's gone on Fridays for a meeting I go into his and if we have Life Ed on Wednesday, we have it on Friday).

I'm so freaking tired of this.

I just want the Kauffman that I know back.

I hate to admit this but he's the reason I had a bit of self-esteem. I was having consistently good days, which turned into weeks, which turned into a few months (I'd say we became friends about five or six months ago).

Now people are constantly asking if I'm okay, my neighbor asked if I was clinically depressed, and I feel like freaking crap.

The only person who can help besides Strawberry Poptart (who never responds to me) is Kauffman.

I guess that's why I made this thing sometime recently.

It wasn't a good day.

I don't remember the last time I had one.