i'm ace? and part of lgbt?

my brain does a thing where it concerns me

So, I dunno, since Friday or something like that, I'm too lazy to go and check the actual day since I can, I've been good about not making self-esteem jokes.

Out loud, anyway.

And it actually improved my mood a little bit.

Then again I think that's probably the talking to Kauffman like I used to.

Anyway, I was at lunch, and Kauffman came up to me again, looking for fruit snacks. I told him I didn't have any today because I'm a forgetful human.

He gave me this l o o k and a bit of my soul d i e d because h o w did I let this precious human down.

So instead of, y'know, turning that awkward thought into something positive, my brain turned it into something negative.

And before I could filter it, I'd said, out loud, to Kauffman, the person who asked me to stop making the jokes unless I was actually feeling like dying because I was scaring him, "I know, I'm a disappointment."

I can't remember exactly what he said but it was basically "uhm Emily you know that's not true right" and I told Bratcher (who was there) that I didn't mean to say it and I don't believe it.

Well, didn't in that moment anyway.

But my anxiety has been kicking in all day because of that one thing I said and I'm debating if I should tell Kauffman that I'm sorry and I don't know where it came from.

I'd use my anxiety to play it off--y'know, 'cause sometimes I don't know if I say something because of how crazy I am or because of my anxiety--but he's told me not to.

To just say it.

Because using my anxiety as an excuse takes away from what I'm asking/saying.

It can't cause any harm I'll hit send.

I've also been borderline crying off and on all week (I know it's only Tuesday whatever) because I suddenly miss a human really bad. Not Strawberry Poptart (I love you honey) but she knows him and hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I don't know what these feels a r e.

I'm gonna publish this without editing because I'm a human that needs help.