7 Reasons Why

Chapter 5 :Part 1

You know what is wrong with people like me ? We're like the 'black sheep' of the family . Nothing is ever right with us . Even if it is by mistake , fate had its own ways to get things back to normal and then you blame us when we try to give up ! And after all the trouble and pain it takes to die , people will say 'suicide is a coward's death !' Hadn't the poor souls tolerated ample insult before dying to deserve that kind of a comment !
They can't even defend themselves .
There was nobody I would have had to explain why I died . Literally nobody could care less if I died and yet I stayed .
Hannah Baker had parents, in my case there were none . I just had Elina . She probably would care....
To tell you the truth I did try suicide once but it takes a lot of courage to kill yourself you see and I never had that . I held a sharp blade and was determined to slith my wrist that day sitting in my bathtub , had decided I'd had enough -suicide in Hannah Baker style ! But when the blade was jsut an inch away from my wrist , I gave up . I just couldn't do it if you wondered when this happened , it was when the swag person ruined my life .
Hannah Baker had her own reasons for what she did . And trust me you don't know how it feels like when the blade is coming and you have only a few more seconds to live and yet you don't want to live it . You just want to fade away like you never existed ! For people who have the courage , it's easier . You do it and game over but for unfortunate souls like us it's as if something or someone is holding you back . You say you want to die but at the back of your mind something keeps reminding you it's not yet time and you never make it to the end . You may not be able to explain what that is (I know many of you will relate - trust me , it's okay . Its absolutely normal !) but it just keeps nudging you and you never manage to get over it . I happen to be a victim of this 'something' .
After papa died , I didn't know what to do ? Where to go ? I had no one else . There was so much to think about . I could not understand where to start . Yes , papa was rich . But he wasn't a millionaire or anything . How much time would his assets back me up ? I had no idea about his accounts . Moreover would I be even allowed to use his money . I was informed that whatever he kept in the banks was a very small portion of what he earned . Basically nearly all his income was black ! Its when I took a round in his study that I found stacks of cash hidden here and there . No wonder he never wanted me in there without his permission .
Its when he died that I realised how alienated I was . That one person I thought I could trust blindly had betrayed me . It would probably have been easier knowing he didn't care but accepting the fact that he was actually manipulating me that to by pushing me into addiction was hard . 
I wanted to give him a funeral even after all this ! Sounds crazy , doesn't it ? But when you realise you're turning in a kind of orphan in the upcoming times you'd like to honour the only peraon who'd prevented that feel until now at least with a fumeral .
Certainly I needed permission from the police .
Well obviously there was no huge funeral . Nobody would attend it if I'd arranged one .  I didn't know anyone else for family and if papa had any relations , I had never heard of them . In the end it was just me , the lonely daughter in one corner of the graveyard sitting there with mixed feelings in front of his grave. I realised I wanted to know more about him . He was a criminal- fine but what else . The point is I never questioned him . I just accepted whatever he told me but there was a lot he didn't tell me and that was what I was curious to know  I wondered why my mother ever married him . Did she have any idea about this dark side of his?.
I wish I wouldn't have to write his epitaph cause when I did , I was in tears trying hard to suppress a sob and yet I wouldn't say it was because I had forgiven him for what he did . I was angty but I felt lonely . Really lonely .
My brain was being bombarded with memories ! Yeah you can say some of them were dark . After all who gets drunk with their father but when that's the only thing he did with you at ease before he died , you can't help but call it a memory . I don't know , maybe it was just my imagination but I had a feeling that even genuine talking with me made him feel uneasy well maybe because he felt guilty or something.... so I never really pushed him to talk until his was willing . Since his will waa aroused only occasionally , I ended up being a really lonely kid but that loneliness feel hadn't bothered me as much until he died .
Mr. Johnson who was the local chief commissioner came to the house a few days later and with all the courtesy he had tried to apologise for whatever happened . Naturally I assured him it was absolutely fine because at the end of the day papa waa a criminal in the eyes of law and nobody could deny that . His busiiness was illegal ! He also assured me that I was allowed to use his cash but in that case the government wouldn't pay me any compensation . I agreed .  With due respect I had asked if I could be given any furthur details about the case but he had replied with utmost empathy that since it was a Dark Web related matter , they had strict orders from the FBI not to disclose any information to an outsider . Exactly , what did I even think ! I wanted to tell him I was not an 'outsider' but I refrained . "But certainly madam , if you need any other help , I'm at your service .", and he had given me his card .

But the criminal had done his job . He wanted me addicted and there I was all addicted . I couldn't give up drinks .. I engaged in reckless drinking . I was simply living on papa's leftover bank balance . By now I had deposited all black cash at home in the bank in a fixed deposit . I
decided to keep it aside for emergency situations . It amounted to around nine thousand dollars . You cannot expect that bit to last all your life . The very idea that in a short time I would be absolutely penniless made me even more desperate . Elina tried to stop me but she never knew what I was going through . You don't know what fire is like until you burn in it ! I was of the opinion she had no right to comment on my drinking habits .
I smoked a lot too . I was used to smoking as I said . My dad turned out to be an illegal drug dealer . If there's anything that was yet in abundance in the house, it was drugs . I was used to smoking since the first year of high school. I wasn't really addicted back then but now I was . I didn't smoke everything . I was particularly addicted to barbiturates and bath salts . But it was not until I tried out meth and fentanyl that lay untouched in the wooden shelves (where papa kept all these addictives) as I hadn't tried them earlier ever , that I kind of passed out . I apparently had plans od juat 'trying out but as it turns out but  I overdosed . I had no idea what it was back then . Later the doctors had told me it was meth and fentanyl but I felt an urgent urge to smoke and that was the only thing I found right then . I couldn't care less about the after affect so I went for it .
How I wish I died but unfortunately, very unfortunately I didn't with the result that I spent my birthday month of my seventeenth birthday in rehab due to drug overdose . I probably would've died if Elina hadn't come to check why I wasn't receiving her calls or replying to her texts throughout the day which I generally did . She did scolded me like a worried mother as if I had broken the brand new toy she bought me .
"How many times had I warned you but you wouldn't listen ! Now look at yourself ! Anything could've happened! You could've died ! ( dude , I would have loved to !) You're simply hopeless ! I managed a weak smile -just that , nothing more . I I was ashamed and at the same time worried because the treatment would require extra expenses but thanks to Elina she'd talked the doctors into accepting a lower fees owing to the circumstances . They agreed . I was in the hospital for nearly a month .
The day I checked out of the hospital , Elina came to receive me . She pointed out that I needed a break . I was taking on too much burden and so I did agreed to go for a day out that very day . We decided to go shopping in Neston mall and grab a drink in a nearby coffee shop and then take a walk around central park and then if there's time , we could do anything else . I hadn't completely recovered yet . I could say I was still weak enough cause I walked slower than usual . I needed someone to support me since I lost my balance too often but my spirits were unusually high ! I don't know how I was going to manage the whole day but Elina insisted that she would help and I would make it . "You will never live your life if you hold on to suppositions forever . There's risks in everything ! " , she had said .
The good thing is - it was not because of drugs , just mere excitement of the break that I was 'unusually high' . The bad thing - well , it faded within 10 minutes I should say .....