What I Noticed Today

9. A disarray

🔹 For Lakshmi, who is our resident proud-and-out hot effin mess🔹

MY THOUGHTS EVERYDAY -

Imagine a deck of cards on the table. 

All the cards are empty. 

But once you open your eyes, all 52 of them start filling up. 

They fill up with numbers, letters, words and phrases. 

But these are only understandable once the deck arranges itself in a pyramid. These words and numbers are the secrets of the universe that you've glimpsed, and you have an overwhelming urge to remember all these things, or to tell people these things.

So you want to pen it down.

But that pyramid is standing on a table made of smoke. You can keep the smoke-table solid only by willing it very, very hard to stay solid. 

No stray thoughts, sounds, smells- nothing.

 Anything can send the whole thing tumbling down.

That's what it feels like to me every time I start writing. I stare and stare at the screen for the longest time trying to balance my damn deck of cards. It's not that I don't have anything in my head; it's just that getting it to stay in a pattern from which I can extract some useful information is the hardest thing ever. I have to actually tie a mental string around it and close my eyes and will it to stay.

After I somehow manage that, I type it out. It's a race against time. I'm literally sweating as I pound my phone screen. I need to write it before it falls off and disappears. The words just come.

Later on, I'll stare at it and be like, 'woah dude, that's some effin Shakeshphere style shit right there.' and wonder why the bloody hell I can't solve math problems just as perfectly.

But here's the thing, it's just too damn much. As I'm writing, my brain makes random connections and I associate things with other things, go off on a tangent and the end result is always something I did not see coming.

I'll have written about things that I actually didn't want to write about and will still have so much to say about those things by the end of the process that I'm more frustrated than I was when I began. 

And I haven't even written about that thing I wanted to write about yet!

Staying on point is the hardest part. It's like you have a waterfall of crazy-balls falling all over you in every colour imaginable, and on each ball you have the name of another colour written down in cursive.

The topic I want to write about is on all the balls with the word 'torquoise' on them. I need to catch all of them and nothing else. It's hard, frustrating and more annoying because I need to type it out and I DO NOT KNOW WHERE THE LETTERD ON DA KEYBIATF ARE!

So if you also write and this shit goes down every time you do, come hug me because I need it because it happened again.

I was supposed to write about how being in love is the most confusing, amazing, fabulous, torturous, awakening, mind numbing thing ever, but now I'm staring at this like why. 

HOW?

Where is the love? Where is the pain and the pleasure that all come together? What is this ish?

And if you haven't written or have never felt like writing, or thought writing was staring off into the distant sunset and slowly penning in calligraphy, you couldn't be more wrong.

You think a doctor's handwriting is illegible? You should see my first drafts. I am literally trying to hold mist in my palms and make an impression of it on paper.

Those beautiful streams of words you see and smell on the books? Those quotes you highlight and pin up? They literally came from thin air. They might not have even been the best. They're just those that the author managed to catch and push on the paper. That's all.

This is also why I write that little 'what I noticed today was-' thing at the end, because I don't actually know that I'll end up writing about.

That's writing.

WRITING THE FIRST DRAFT.

Do. Not. Get. Me. Started. On. Editing.

***

Hey everyone!

How did y'all like this chapter? Comment and let me know!! Also there's a small sneaky reference in there if you can find it. 

Can't find it? That's okay. Share this little piece around. Odds are, someone you know can ;) 

For this chapter, I'd really like it if you listened to the song I've attached as well. Let me tell you, the first time I listened to it, I associated on a spiritual level. 

As always, hit the star so I know you loved it and if you did, check out my other stories as well! 

and as for this week's inspired pieces, we have two - 

I find her posts simply brilliant. Simple and super relatable.

if  this piece inspires you to do anything, don't hesitate to put it up on instagram with #WhatINoticedToday and tag me the_book_bender. So I can pick one for the next chapter!

Follow me for regular updates and have an amazing time!

- Pranav