Proud In Life

Chapter 8: Going Well Till It's Not

  Mickey was right about Ian's job not being a big deal because it was, especially when he went for the first day and it was one of the best things ever. In fact that week was probably one of the highest of his life. He had this job where the people were lovely and welcoming and he got to quite literally save lives. It was the best feeling to come down from the rush as they stood outside of the hospital after their living patient was wheeled inside. 

  On top of that, coming home after every shift he got Yev and Mickey. Lana had been MIA a lot and as much as he loved the woman, it meant that he got chance to pretend that they were a normal little family of three. That night for example he came home to see Mickey playing aeroplanes with Yevgeny, so absorbed in it that he didn't notice Ian as he made silly faces at his giggling son. 

  Beaming, Ian pulled out his phone and snapped a pic before making his presence known. As soon as Mickey saw him his smile changed from his Yevgeny smile to his Ian smile- there was an honest to God difference- and he tucked the still gurgling kid into his side. 

  "Look it's your daddy Yev," Mickey grinned, pointing at Ian.

  That made Ian pause, Mickey had never said anything like that before. Sure he had told Ian months ago that he was basically a dad to Yev but this was a whole other thing. He honestly didn't know how to feel about it because although he had always liked to think of himself as a parental figure to Mickey's kid- especially after his talk with the man- he had never been big headed enough to actually consider Yev calling him anything but Ian.

  Mickey must have seen the look on Ian's face because he stopped and frowned slightly before realisation hit.

  "Hey man, sorry I've never said that before have I?" Mickey grinned shyly, "always thought it though in my head. Didn't ask though, just assumed though cause you were all shy about the whole Yev not being anything to you and how happy you were when I said you were wrong. I mean you are fine with it right?"

  "Yeah... I just didn't expect it you know. I mean you said I was like Yevy's dad but I just thought I'd be Ian you know. Just didn't expect it..." Ian trailed off, knowing his had his "sappy" smile on.

  "Yeah well Yev's growing up with his Mom, Dad and Papa if you want that," Mickey grinned, moving forward again so that Ian could wrap and arm around the pair.

  "You dad or papa?" Ian asked, looking down at him.

  "Papa, never wanted to be a dad so I may as well be a papa right?" Mickey smirked.

  "Slippery, cheeky sod," Ian teased, poking Mickey in the side and making him squirm.

  They parted after that laughing as Ian made his way to the kitchen to get a glass of water. Once lent against the side he posted the picture he'd just taken of his two favourite people. He had so many followers now and he had posted dozens of pictures and even some videos. Debbie was the only one of his siblings to follow and like his pictures. Speaking of he really needed to talk to the Gallaghers it had been weeks after all... he couldn't blame them all just because of what Fiona said.

***

  Two weeks. That was how long he had lasted before they had found out about his bipolar and he had been fired on the spot. That was how long it lasted. Two fucking weeks. Walking out of the station he felt empty because what the fuck was he supposed to do now? Mickey would never want to marry him now that he couldn't even keep an honest job for more than a fortnight. It was stupid, the whole thing. Of course they found out, of course...

  A long time ago he had promised himself that he wouldn't let his disease get in the way but that was before Mickey and hope. That was before he found this perfect job that he loved. Now it was hard to think that way... not impossible though. Maybe he could find another job before he had to tell Mickey... maybe he could find a job and never tell Mickey. No that wouldn't work, his fiancee would find out at some point and then just be pissed at him.

  He'd look for another job then but he would not do that today. No right now he was shaking and he could feel the tightness in his chest that made him have to concentrate on his breathing. Tomorrow he'd do it tomorrow.

  Getting on the L was tough with all the people there it just worsened the tightness, he couldn't concentrate on his breathing with all the noise. As much as he hated it he was actually wheezing by the time he reached his home, hoping to God that he was wrong when he knew that Mickey didn't have a shift right now. He couldn't stay on the streets though, he was about to have a full blown panic attack and he didn't want to be anywhere that was remotely exposed.

  As soon as he fell through the door Mickey looked up at him from where he was sat on the sofa. His face immediately creased up in worry as he took Ian in and jumped up to come to him. Ian stumbled forward ans collapsed into his arms as his vision swam with lack of oxygen.  The pair slowly sank to the floor, Mickey supporting him with his arms wrapped around him while Ian clutched at the front of Mickey's vest.

  "Hey man shit what happened. God just listen to my breathing, follow it okay," Mickey sounded like he was panicked but trying to hide it. Probably was.

  "They... found- they found out Mick. Fired... fired me," Ian wheezed. He hadn't wanted to tell him but how the hell else would he explain away this?

  "Okay man. Okay love just breath. In out in out okay just follow mine," Mickey said, taking one of Mickey's hands and placing the palm flat against his chest.

  Eventually, Ian calmed down. He rested his head wearily against Mickey's chest as the other ran his tattooed finger's through the red hair. Guilt suddenly crushed him, this wasn't meant to happen. A lot of things that happened weren't meant to have happened.

  "I'm sorry," Ian breathed into Mickey's chest.

  "Shut up Ian. This wasn't your fault, I'm so sorry it happened to you but I don't want you to hear you apologise one more fucking time for this," Mickey growled, smacking the back of his head lightly before running his fingers through the hair again.

***

 That evening Ian could feel the heaviness settling in and he just hoped that he was wrong about what it was. He had spent the evening curled into Mickey's side with Yev in his arms, Lana gone out again. He didn't feel content like he always did though but he had to be wrong, he was taking his meds religiously.

  Going to bed that night there was a hopeless pit in his stomach as he climbed in beside Mickey. It was a struggled to get from the coach to the bed and that worried him. What worried him more was how when Mickey wrapped around him like usual his skin seemed to crawl and itch.

  It wasn't really a surprise then that the next morning he woke early like always when he went for his run but found that he had no energy to move. He felt hopeless and worthless... depressed. Shit.