the marriage (john shelby.)

Twenty Seven.

The Letter That was Never Sent

♚

Friday 14th September 1923

Dear John,

God this feels weird. You're my husband, I shouldn't have to be writing a letter to tell you how I feel. You deserve better than this. Better than me I suppose.

I know they see you every weekend, but the kids miss you like mad. Ciara keeps hitting all these milestones that you aren't there for. I hate myself for making you miss out. You're such a brilliant father John, please don't doubt yourself.

Sometimes I wonder what it is you see in me.

Yes, I know this marriage was arranged by our families, but it's probably the only thing my mother ever did right. Every day I'm grateful I've got you. We argue like two stubborn bulls but I know that at the end of the day you love me.

And I love you.

But I'm too scared to tell you in person. Pathetic, isn't it? You're the father of my daughter but I'm too terrified to look you in the eye and tell you that I love you.

I love every tiny thing about you John Shelby. You have the ability to make even my worst days feel like there's a silver lining.

I'm not really sure what the entire point of this letter is if I'm honest. It's about two thirty in the morning and Ciara is asleep on my chest. I probably won't ever send this, it'll just end up in a drawer somewhere and you'll discover it when all our kids have moved out and we're a miserable old couple who love no one but each other.

I don't want to divorce you. I want you to be my husband again. I want you to be in my life for as long as possible. I want you to be next to me in bed when I roll over. I want you to hold me when I'm crying. I want you to go grey with me. I want to live in a fucking massive country house with two spaniels and maybe a chicken, miles away from any danger.

I want you.

Listen to me, I sound so selfish. I'm learning not to be though. The kids and you changed that for me. I have someone else to love, other than myself.

It's you. I love you. 

I have to keep writing it down because I know I can't say it if you're there in front of me. I get embarrassed. I don't want to seem weak, stupid I know. I suppose that's what happens when you get verbally abused by your mother for years.

My hand hurts now and Ciara's getting grisly, so I'll wrap this up.

I am so madly in love with you John. It hurts me. Please, forgive me. Let me be your wife again so we can have those dogs and that big house.

From your madly in love wife, who loves your more than you can ever know,

Amy Shelby
xxx