wake up // lil xan

no shame.

DEATH TRIGGER WARNING

Cocaine seemed to Peep's drug of choice for the night. He just railed his fourth line in a row and when he came up for air his pupils were smaller than a pin. His smile was delirious and he called me over to him, "Want some?"

I shrugged, "Nah, I popped a xanny."

His head tilted back and he barked out a laugh, "You and downers, bro. You really ain't gonna try this shit?"

I shook my head, making a blonde piece of hair fall in front of my eye, "Not tonight, bro." Peep just shrugged and smiled.

I stayed by his side most of the night because the house we were partying in was large and I didn't even know the owner. He was grabbing people and telling them how beautiful they are and kissing everyone he could wherever he could. People of every kind just seemed to fall for him and let him do whatever. I stopped him short when he thought he could kiss me, though.

"Lil baby," he giggled, "Why don't you ever let me kiss ya?"

I scrunched my nose, "Because I just don't want you to, bro."

He shrugged and his blown pupils trailed somewhere else in the room, "That's fair." Soon enough I watched Gus being dragged to the dance floor by someone and I wandered through the club.

A blunt was dangling from my fingertips as I scrolled through apps because my anxiety was still lingering around my shoulders. It felt like a cloud was hovering over me and keeping me from talking to anyone in the club other than Gus. The smoke burned as it left my lungs and I stay huddled in my corner. My jaguars beanie was pushed down right below my brow bone, trying to seem as uninviting as possible. The time passed slowly, almost as if it weren't even moving until I had looked at the clock on my phone enough times to count for a minute.

Something felt off so I tried to keep an eye on Gus as best I could until I had to rush to the bathroom to vomit. A creeping feeling found it's way to my chest and head; I don't know what to call it other than unease.

Most of the night went with me hitting blunts, popping pills, and watching Gus. It wasn't until the morning started to creep into our time that we actually went back to the bus to rest for the show in just a matter of hours. For some reason I felt the need to sleep with Peep, even though I hadn't in a while. We crawled into bed and he held onto me for the day.

Hours later we began preparing ourselves for the show and I had left to go grab Gus an energy drink down the street. It didn't phase me to not be with him constantly, since Bexey was with him as well. The sun felt refreshing on my skin and I was excited to help Peep finish writing another track called 'Sunlight On Your Skin' that we'd been discussing.

The tour bus was in my line of vision when I saw Bexey rush out in a blur and him screaming. I took off as fast as I could and grabbed him by his shoulder, slamming him into the bus.

"Bex, what is it?" I asked, anxiety rising in me.

Tears were filling his eyes and he shook his head, "I'm sorry, I didn't know."

"What?" I asked.

"Peep, he's gone dude," His voice cracked.

I rolled my eyes, "It's alright, man. He's all good, we just gotta find him."

He let out a shriek, "No! He's fuckin' dead!"

I took a step back and swallowed hard. My hands went numb and I dropped the drinks in my hands. Blood rushing was all I could hear and I started shaking.

"No, fuck no, he can't be," I pleaded, furiously shaking my head.

Bexey just sniffled, "He is. Ambulance is on the way."

I threw the door open to the bus and stopped in my tracks when I saw his body propped against the wall beneath the TV. Tremors coursed through me as I walked towards his body and saw how ghastly he looked. The lights were low and cool, making him seem almost otherworldly. My breaths became shallow as I sat beside him and held his hand, still warm.

"Peep," I gasped.

No response.

My heart clenched and I laid my head on his lap. The world seemed to stop as I breathed him in one last time. All of our memories tried to play through the fog in my head. The best friend anyone could have ever had, gone. It can't be.

I raised up my head and kissed his lips softly. He always wanted to and I never let him. All of my regrets started filling my head and soul. Tears streamed down my face as I clenched onto his body and kept mumbling his name.

"Come back."

Nothing.

"I love you. I'm sorry we never got those matching ass tats."

Nothing.

"Please. You can't be gone."

Nothing.

"Peep, you can't leave me."

Nothing.

When the EMT's rushed in my whole body was numb as they moved me away from him. My whole world was crumbling as I watched four people having to pick up my best friend and take him away. Tears were racing down my face and my hand was reaching out for him. They rushed him out and I let out a scream of terror, this couldn't be the last time I see him.

Up in a flash, my feet pounding on linoleum, I followed them to the quiet ambulance. They turned to look at me, their words falling on my muffled ears. I let out a sob that wracked through my body.

"Pl-Please don't let this be my last time," I begged.

A hand gripped my shoulder and I was met with Bexey's black contacts. He wrapped me in a hug, pressing my face into his shoulder, rubbing up and down my spine. This was it. This was the end.

No more Peep means no more Me.

+++++

wow okay i rly put this off bc of peep's death bc it's like a lot for me anyway im sorry for the delay and this is short but since i finally got off my ass and pushed through maybe more updates soon?? idk im rly sorry

xoxo xanarchyking