Wanderlust (Kellic)

Chapter 12

Chapter 12 - I Like Your Starry Eyes

I have quite possibly the worst dream I’ve ever experienced.

It’s more of a montage, really, a collection of images and scenes that make me want to throw up. And in every single one of them, Vic is dying.

He hangs himself. He overdoses. He jumps off a bridge. He shoots himself. He crashes his car. And every fucking time, he somehow ends up holding onto my hand, whispering my name, telling me goodbye, apologizing.

When I wake up, I’m hyperventilating, my body shaking, my heart beating so fast I think it’s going to burst, tears running down my cheeks with no sign of slowing down. I bury my face into his chest in an attempt to remind myself that he’s still here and still alive. He must be at least half-awake, because though his eyes are still shut, he pulls me closer to him, rubbing my back and whispering, “It was just a dream, Kells. It’s not real. You’re okay now.”

I want to tell him that dreams don’t just come from nowhere, that they’re based on what’s real even if they themselves aren’t. I want to say, I know I’m okay. The question is: Are you?

But I don’t. I just cry my eyes out all over again and pray that if I fall back asleep, there won’t be any more of this.

—

Everything feels different in the morning.

Vic’s hangover is God-awful, probably the worst he’s had since I’ve been with him. I want to help him, but I don’t know how, so he suffers on his own and doesn’t say anything.

"Are you okay?" I ask him. Dumb question.

"No," he replies, his voice a bit raspy. Of course he isn’t, and of course he doesn’t lie and say he is.

I wonder how much he remembers. I wonder if he remembers telling me that he wanted to die.

I wonder if he meant it.

I know he went unconscious before I started crying (the first time), but somehow, I feel like he can tell that I did, even though he doesn’t seem to remember me sobbing over my dream. I feel like he knows what I said to him.

I think I fucking love you.

Those words scare the hell out of me, and what scares me even more is the fact that I meant it when I said it. I think I still do. I think I might be starting to love him.

It’s crazy to even be considering that—I haven’t known him for that long, yet he already feels closer to me than people I’ve been friends with for years. He’s different from anyone else I’ve ever met, and I love that about him.

But do I really love him?

Throughout the mainly uneventful day, I work on pushing those thoughts out of my mind as Vic mostly rests and feels like shit. Loving someone and being in love with someone are two different things, and though I’ve already accepted being in love with Vic, I’m not sure about actually loving him.

"Do you think you’re gonna be okay for tonight?" I ask him at one point.

He’s lying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling with his hands behind his head. “Yeah, I think so. It’s getting better as the day goes on. Now it’s only this damn headache.”

I nod slowly as I lie on my own bed. “Well, that’s good.”

Vic turns his head to look at me. “Kell?”

I meet his gaze. “Yeah?”

"I’m sorry. About what happened last night." There’s pain in his eyes, and it kills me.