My Spy 6: Private Eye

Paris

"Ryan," I snap again.

"Sawyer," he quickly replies back.

"Ryan."

"Saw-yer," Ryan says, getting agitated that neither of us clearly knows any other words in the English language. "Move your thumb." Our eyes are locked but our focus is on my hand. I'm holding the Clear Blue pregnancy test in my right hand while my thumb covers the little digital square that determines the rest of my life.

"I can't," I tell him plainly and it's true. I cannot move my thumb. My brain won't allow me to have my answers. Answers I'm not ready to overanalyze.

Now that I've thought about it, I should have looked more closely at my constant agitation. The way my boobs felt bruised and that my appetite was nearly gone at all times of the day. I blamed both my fatigue and headaches on stress and never once did my mind tell me to go check the calendar. My days in New York just faded into each other, not distinguishing one day from the next. As soon as I left to Paris, my mind was set on vacation mode and I forgot to switch it over when I went to New York. I lost count of the days and my birth control pills weren't a priority when I was back with Ryan. I had only been taking them for a couple months, so they still weren't quite a part of my routine. I'd have to make sure I'd take them, and it was easy to forget.

And that forgetfulness is what landed me in Austin's guest bathroom. Sitting on the toilet seat while Ryan sits on the edge of the tub, looking as white as the subway tiles behind him. Our knees are touching and I swear I can hear his heart thundering under his red cotton t-shirt. He may have just been told he is a millionaire and a father in one day. It's a lot for one man to process. While I've just been fired, made a millionaire, found out my ex is back in town and might be a mother all in a few hours. It's enough to make a woman go insane.

Ryan finally places his hand on my knee, it's meant to be calming but I know the heat from his palm is from anxiety. He sighs and then says, "You not lookin' won't change the outcome, baby girl."

"Are you really ready for me to look? You're ready to see if we're going to have a baby?" I incredulously ask with wide eyes. His hand moves from my knee to my hand and he inches closer to me, sliding along the edge.

"It doesn't matter if I'm ready. If it's a yes, then I'll get ready. But it might be a no and you're freakin' out for no reason," he says, trying to keep me from completely freaking out. He slides his fingers around my thumb and while staring into my anxious blue eyes he moves it off the window. I refuse to look down but his eyes eventually leave mine and dart down to our hands.

I watch him swallow hard and I know the answer as soon as tears quickly pool in his beautiful emerald eyes. I'll never forget that look, not for the rest of my life. He then slowly returns my gaze and my heart is suddenly choking me, stuck in my throat. 

Without looking at the test I burst into tears. And to my surprise, they are warm happy tears. I throw myself into Ryan's arms and he holds me tightly against him, enveloping me in warmth and support.

"Suddenly nothing else matters," he whispers into my ear and a snort is all I manage to respond with. He holds me while I cry into his shoulder for a few more bursts and then reaches behind me to grab us each a tissue.

"Are you okay with this?" He gently asks while I dab my eyes. A burst of a laugh escapes my blubbering, "I guess I have to be." We are both now standing in the small, very bright white bathroom that suddenly feels protective. I'm glad to be in a small enclosed space that feels like it's shielding us from the world. Nothing can get into this room and ruin this moment.

"I'm shockingly excited," Ryan confesses while handing me another tissue. I wipe my face and then look to him, "I don't know what I am yet." I toss the crumbled tissue into the -shockingly- white ceramic trash can and then Ryan reaches out and yanks me over to him. He rests his chin on top of my blonde bun as he says, "Let me know when you know."

"I don't know when I'll truly be able to comprehend what this means," I mutter back, clinging onto him for dear life, him being the only thing keeping my knees from buckling. We stay in our own heads for a long moment until he breaks the silence by saying, "I think we should go see the doc before we start spreading the news." I nod and then pull away from him, "I agree. No need for heads to explode if it, for some reason, is a false positive."

He lets out a breath of a laugh before saying, "I can't believe a simple question at lunch led us here." I'm still holding onto both of his hands as I reply, "I wonder when my brain would have told me something was up? How did I go almost three weeks without putting anything together?"

Ryan shrugs, "I think you breaking up with your boyfriend and getting married a week later to your ex-boyfriend occupied your mind for a bit. And then you lie to your family for a month while helping your husband recuperate occupied it for a while. And then I think your trust fund took up the rest of your mental capacity. I'm not all that surprised that something may have slipped your mind."

"Are you mad that I failed us in Paris?" I hesitantly ask, knowing that's probably when I got pregnant. I didn't touch Ryan inappropriately until the doctor took out all of his stitches and that was only a couple weeks ago.

He instantly shakes his head, "I knew the risk. I saw your birth control tablets in your kit in Paris- which bothered me quite a bit then by the way- but I assumed you were on them, I didn't ask. I also didn't offer up any protection either." I nod in agreement, glad that he's not reprimanding me for being careless.

"If that is indeed the night this happened....could you believe what this news would mean if I was still with Sebastian?" I say in shock, knowing that would have caused quite the scandal. It seems we were doomed as soon as I left the dance floor with Ryan.

I watch something flicker behind Ryan's eyes and he quickly says, "It's not possible that...the baby could be his...is it?" I watch him shrink before me, terrified of the math I'm about to do. But I've already done it, so I immediately reply, "No. It's not possible. I had my period right before Paris and we didn't sleep together once while I was in London. I've only been with you since Paris."

"I didn't know that," he says quietly, surprised at my quick response. I cross over to him in two steps and grab his face with my hands, "It's always been, you Ryan. And this just proves that fate was going to put us together one way or another. My heart has been yours and only yours since Paris and I don't have a single doubt that this baby is ours."

He smiles and I worry I'm about to start crying again. He catches my hiccup and runs his finger under my eye to catch the escaped tear, "Let's go call the doc and see when she can get you in. It seems we have a lot to figure out."

I nod, "Yeah, this changes things a bit." He grabs onto my hand and starts to lead me out of the bathroom but his hand lingers on the handle as he says, "Remember, this is our secret. Don't act funny in front of Austin and Margot."

"I'll do my best," I tell him while facing his back and I watch him finally pull the door open. When we get back into our room, I yank my phone off the nightstand and see that it's three o'clock. I know I have two hours to get my shit together and figure out how I am going to keep this huge, massive, life-changing news a secret.