always have been, always will be | jensoo

This Is Who I Am

I came out a few weeks before we started high school. I don't remember telling my Mom, or anyone else. I just remember sitting under my sheet with Jisoo, in a dark room, illuminated by a single flashlight lighting up our faces.

We sat inches away from each other, hiding smiles and sharing secrets. The sleepover was Jisoo's idea, claiming they didn't spend enough time with each other. She said this with a tiny smirk, knowing there's no way that was true. We'd become impossibly close these past few months, what we considered the last summer of our childhood.

We held hands when no one was looking, something we'd never done before. Sure, we held hands all the time, but now we felt like it was something we should hide. When she nuzzled her head against my shoulder, her small sigh now meant something else.

When she looked at me, it was a mutual understanding. It was just something that happened, this crazy attraction that came about one summer and hit us both very hard. We became strangely dependant, always touching, leaning on each other and finishing the other's sentences. People laughed, people noticed, and we openly didn't care at all. Still, I don't think we made the connection in our own heads - we were nothing more than friends, and all of this was perfectly normal.

We knew things were not the same but we were hardly ready to accept what it was now. So we just ran with it. Gentle flirting we never knew we were doing segued into a deep, unwavering bond and inexplicable attraction. And it was okay.

"How excited are you excited for school?" Jisoo asks, her voice dancing with excitement in a whisper.

I just shrug, eyes glued to her face. The light shines on her at a perfect angle, all the beautiful shadows only enhancing her hold on me.

"It's going to be so great. We should join like, clubs or something. Maybe I'll join theatre." Even though her tomboy ways have long since faded, her yearning for adventure, jumping headfirst into something new, has never faltered. She's still the same girl with sparkling eyes, ready for anything.

"That would be awesome." I say, running one finger along the cap of her knee, keeping her gaze. "You sing like a freakin' bird."

"A bird?"

I curl my lips into a smile, "It's a compliment, Jichu."

"I know, stupid." She take my hand in hers, running a single finger along my thumbnail over and over, calming herself. "What are you going to do?"

"In school?" She nods. I think about it. "I don't..know. Probably just follow you around. The usual."

"Aw. Just the way I like it." Jisoo almost purrs this, her voice making my stomach do flip flops. I suddenly feel like taking advantage of this moment, the sort of which have been happening with greater and greater frequency these days. I know how she will react already.

"Can I tell you something?"

She gives me a face that tells me all I need to know. Of course I can tell her something. "Anything."

I take my hand away and take a deep breath. At this, she frowns, reaching for my hand again. "It's about me." I say quietly, as I relent and let her take my hand. She cocks her eyebrow just a little, showing me she's nervous.

I sigh. I don't want to say it. I don't want to speak the obvious, what she already knows. But I know it's something that needs to be spoken. She nibbles at her lip with her front teeth, watching me. I watch her lip. "What am I thinking, Jichu?"

I look at her, opening my thoughts to her. She reads my eyes for a long time, never releasing my hand. "Jendeuk..."

"What am I thinking?"