always have been, always will be | jensoo

Fallen Back

The relatively bright sunlight filtered through the gazebo covering the tables of the outside cafe, and I was leaning forward in my chair, listening to Jisoo's every word.

Japan was no more than a few weeks away, and it clung to be like an iron ball in my stomach.

Jisoo and I, on the other hand, were rather enjoying our brunch together, getting lost in easy conversation.

"I don't know..." Jisoo uses her fork to move bits and pieces of scrambled egg around her plate, a tiny smile quirking at her lips. "I've always wanted to be something with my hands, I guess."

"The arts." I watch her nod, becoming animated in her gestures and movements. "I remember."

"You do?"

"Of course. You were always doodling on something, I mean, you were way better at that stuff than I ever was." I concede, pushing away my plate of english muffin crumbs.

"Well, I just liked it." Jisoo admits. "I thought I could turn that into something - a career, maybe."

I wait for her to go on. She's been talkative all morning, all the way through brunch. I let her talk, enjoying the sound of her voice almost as much as the way she lights up, the way she does it without even noticing.

There's something weighing a little heavily on me, so I stay relatively silent, relishing in her company.

"Didn't work out that way, though." Jisoo clears her throat a little. Always a little bit impatient at sitting still, she reaches over and toys a bit with her straw. "Art school was a bust. Eventually I tried to draw and - nothing. It just stopped being something I loved."

"Why?" I ask, gently, not wanting to sound too probing.

Jisoo just looks from her straw, to me, and then back at her straw. "I don't know. Stuff." She clams up momentarily.

"Ah. Stuff. I presume things, as well, were an issue?" I raise on eyebrow. "Stuff and things?"

She doesn't take my bait. "Stuff and things. That sounds about right."

I watch her for a second as she calls to the waiter for our check, seeing as how we've been conversing over our empty plates for a while now.

I grew up with Jisoo. I've seen her through every single stage that she's had and she's always been my home base. But things do stay the same forever, or even close to it, so now I watch her from all the way across the table.

Maybe things change permanently. Maybe Jisoo loving the arts, drawing, painting when we were younger had faded away from her just as she took the plunge from girlhood into womanhood. Lots of things could have changed. Jisoo looks the same, the same girl I remember, but I know she is not. She's a little more worn around the eyes and certain things - like the way she used to be able to put a pencil to paper and make something beautiful - have left her.

I let her gaze settle on me and I wonder what else has changed about her that isn't apparent. Things that don't come back. We can never ever be what we once were, but we can be something new. And that scares me, because I've only ever loved her in one way.

Maybe that's changed for her. Maybe it hasn't. I don't know which is more terrifying, because I don't know what to do regardless. Not sure what I would do with an answer.

"Would you ladies enjoy dessert?" Our waiter collects our plates.

"What do you think, Jisoo? Strudel?" I smile at her, knowing she was always a sucker for desserts.

She scrunches her nose cutely. "I'm kind of in the mood for chocolate, actually."

"Chocolate, huh?" I tap my fingers on the table. "Well, sir, I'd like one of your biggest chocolate cakes."