Chasing Zero

Nineteen

"Is it a sin to be aroused before marriage?"

Mom cackled as she walked up to the couch, slapping at my feet on the ottoman so she could slip in and sit next to me. "What the hell made you think that?"

"I'm pretty sure I read it in the bible somewhere," I muttered, having a strong feeling she wouldn't be taking me seriously.

"Well, that would make everyone except asexuals sinners, huh?" she chuckled.

"Asexuals can get turned on." Sitting up on the couch, I gaped at her. "You know about asexuals?"

"My coworker is one," she shrugged. "Sweet man, but he is in a relationship, which is weird-"

"There is such a thing as a sexless relationship. Asexuals can have a normal relationship just like anyone else."

"I guess that is true. But why do you ask?" she questioned, beginning to laugh once again. "Did your boyfriend turn you on?"

"Maybe."

"Wait," she excitedly said, shifting to face me comfortably, "you and Sky are dating now?"

Proudly nodding at her, I laughed at her squealing. "Mom, it's not that big of a deal."

"My baby is growing up," she said as she began to fake cry, fanning at her eyes dramatically. "I'm gonna be a grandma soon, because you can't keep it in your pants."

"Shut up! That is not what is happening here."

"Do you want to have sex?"

"Yes."

Mom and I were close, maybe closer than people would have assumed we'd be. But growing up, I didn't have any friends to fall back on. And my mom always had an 'honest answer' policy where no matter what I wanted to ask her, she'd give me an honest answer. It opened up a new level of trust between us, because she wanted me to be safe no matter what I did. If she told me no for any reason, her reasons were always valid. And no matter what issue I had, I would always go to her before Marcy, Gray, and now Sky.

I could go to my dad for anything, too, and I'd get the same 'honest answer' policy. It was just a bit more of a challenge to find common ground. Whenever we spent time together, it was when we watched a movie or a TV show together and ate dinner. The rest of the time, I'd be writing or reading in my room, and he'd be in the den playing video games. He did read my stories and poems, just not every one like mom. He supported my dreams of being an author, and that was all that really mattered to me. Since mom supported me more, it made us closer. She was my rock, my anchor, and my guardian angel. She was one of my favorite people.

It was why it was so hard for her not to accept me as agender. When I had my first kiss, she was the first person I told. When I realized I was pansexual, I came out to her first. I wanted her to love and support exactly who I was, but it was a challenge for her to. At least she never had a problem with people calling me Spencer. I just wished she wouldn't call me Beatrice.

In regards to everything else, I could tell her anything without judgement. She had plenty of life experience to share with me, and if I had questions that needed honest answers, she would tell me the truth to prevent me from hurting myself based on false information.

Sex was one of the things she wanted me to talk to her about once I was ready. Although I've known I've been ready to have sex for a while, I never came to her. Despite the fact I'd been able to see myself having sex with certain people, there was no one I trusted well enough to have my first time with. But with the way things have been going to Sky, there was a chance we would have sex. If there was ever a reason why I would have to write out a sex scene, I could finally write it out accurately. I could even write a poem about the experience or the pillow talk after the sex.