Chasing Zero

Twenty-Four

Amy and Tony sat on either side of me, building a sort of shield around me after Sky walked back upstairs to talk to his mom. He was taking a while. There was Sky's little sister Megan on the floor next to her boyfriend Andy. There was another girl, Mia, who was friends with Amy and Tony. Her mom was friends with Bridget, so she hung out with Sky occasionally while growing up. They didn't grow closer until he dropped out of high school. However, no one but Amy, Tony, and I knew about his prior drug addiction.

The five of them were nearing the end of a game of Settlers of Catan, and I was left awkwardly watching them. I wasn't in the game night mood anymore. While everyone was very kind to me, I couldn't take my mind off the whole 'Beatrice' situation upstairs. I felt like a fool as I sat there, running away from the issue and acting like nothing was going on upstairs. But I couldn't stand up to her about the issue anymore. After all the times I previously attempted to have her understand and accept me, it seemed hopeless.

She must have convinced them all to call me by that dreaded name by now. I was used to it. I would try to get people to call me Spencer back in high school, but when the parent-teacher merger at the beginning of the year commenced, all of my teachers would go back to calling me Beatrice, because that was what my mom classified me as.

It sucked, but I had to endure it. She was my anchor, someone I looked up to and loved unconditionally. I was alive because of her and her stupid plants that died years ago. I didn't want to kill myself, but I felt dead on the inside. What I did upstairs was stupid. Because of my mom, I created a scene, and that could have cost her the chance to make new friends. Hopefully they would keep her in their circle.

Sometimes I wondered if it was stupid to care about my mom so much. She clearly didn't accept who I was as a person, so why bother trying to please someone who would never accept me? Where was the justice in that? It was nowhere. If someone didn't like, appreciate, or accept me, why bother bending over backwards to meet their expectations?

I couldn't just say 'Screw her,' though, despite how much I wanted to at times. No matter what, she was my mom, and I loved her. I was her child. If the name subject wasn't brought up, and neither was my gender, then it was smooth sailing with her. Everything was okay that way, so I kept the whole identity thing to a minimum to keep things good between us. But I was beginning to grow paranoid. High school days felt as though they were being relived, and all because she called me by my deadname. It shouldn't have mattered, yet it did. My name was my name, what I used to identify myself. If I was being addressed under a false identity, then did anyone know who I actually was?

That was why I loved writing. I no longer existed. I was erased. All that remained was the story I birthed out of my head, and people cared more about the character's struggles than they did my identity. It was a break from reality, a much needed one at that. I no longer existed as a human, only a source to give the world a much-needed break from reality.

Heavy words were muffled from upstairs. Everyone turned their heads towards the staircase, listening in for any indication of what was going on. The only voice I could detect was Sky's, and he seemed livid. Bridget's voice was muffled in as well, but it was mainly him.

By the time he came burling downstairs, his face was as white as a ghost. He was mortified, and staring at me certainly did not help. He wrapped his arms around his chest, lowering his head and shifted his weight from foot to foot. "Sorry about that," he whispered.

"Is everything okay?" Amy slowly asked.

He sucked in his cheeks and bit his lip, glaring at the ceiling. "No, but I shouldn't have made a scene while I have guests over, especially in front of your parents, so seriously, I'm sorry about that."