Chasing Zero

Thirty-Two

Sky never replied to my email about the book. I never intended for him to reply, and there was no small part of myself expecting a response. He was mad at me. He had every right to be. For all I knew, he deleted the email the moment he received it and placed me on the back burner of his mind so he could escape the negativity I drowned him in.

Class was not easy to sit through. From the moment he walked in two minutes before class began, everything was silent. Whether the class was paying attention to us or if I could only focus on him, I had no idea. No breath I took was clean. Each inhale was acidic, poisoning me. My eyes couldn't lock on anything but him, and he could feel my gaze lingering on him. I tore my eyes away, blinking quickly as Mr. Rose began to teach.

"Hey, are you okay?" Gray whispered in my ear.

I slowly nodded. "I will be." And I knew I would. Though it hurt, I would soon move on and live my life, just as he would. Though it sucked not being involved in his life and not having him in mine, I was toxic to him. I wouldn't throw him through the ringer just because I wanted to remain friends while he didn't. I may have been a jerk, but I wasn't cruel. At least not intentionally.

Paranoia consumed me. I was sure everyone in the classroom, professor included, knew what was happening between us. The tension was thick. It consumed us all, trapping us in its prison. There was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. All I could do was sit in the classroom and no longer exist. Even as the teacher spoke, I could not listen. Everything was numb around me.

The man sitting in front of me, I hurt him. I knew writing was meant to bring out hidden truths, but I had no idea it could bring so much pain with it. I wanted the suffering to end. Not mine, but his. I deserved to suffer. I hurt someone, and I should have felt the same pain he was feeling too.

I knew I was being dramatic. My head always went there when I hurt someone I cared about. But I couldn't help but feel bad for Sky after what I did, and I wanted to continue feeling pain until he no longer did. He didn't deserve to be hurt by a book I wrote to fast-track my way into becoming published. He was far too kind, not only to me but everyone around him, to experience that form of ridicule. He didn't deserve it.

And Johnathon was right. I didn't have to swim deep in the negative numbers. I was allowed to feel remorse, but I shouldn't have been causing myself pain because I hurt someone. Mistakes were made with the book, and I needed to learn and grow from them. I learned to ask for consent when I wanted to write about someone's personal life, whether as a character or in regards to writing a private moment. I couldn't just present someone's whole life to the world without consent and expect them to be okay with it, because it wasn't. He did nothing to deserve it.

It felt wrong to still go through with the book. I hurt Sky through it, and he did state that I should have been given his consent to write the book. But as I rewrote parts of the book, I made sure to keep our private moments private. It would be obvious to him that it was inspired from us, but it was in no way the same thing. The only parts that were the truth were the moments involving Giselle. Her truth was my own, and Hans truth corresponded to Sky. If he read it, he'd see it. And that was why I felt justified enough to send it in to be published.

"Spencer," Sky stated. He stood up from his seat as the rest of the class either talked or exited the room. I didn't realize class ended. "We need to talk."

I nodded slowly. "I agree."

Sky exited the classroom without me, and Gray held my arm. "Did you break up with him?"

"Yes."

He glanced at the door. "I'm guessing it wasn't pretty."

"Not in the slightest," I exhaled, "but we do need to talk about some things."