Perfectly Fake ✓

06: cider and chestnuts

06

LUCAS BARGED INTO my room without knocking on Monday night. A twinge of happiness tried to make its way onto my face - my brother had done this after three years, after all. Soft Christmas music played on Mom's radio outside, meaning she was home.

He closed the door and walked over to my bed. I had spent yesterday in Amara's cage. Even thinking about her left a bitter taste in my mouth. My smile disappeared and I burrowed myself further into the duvet, concentrating on the podcast I had been listening to.

"Most people have premium Spotify for music, you know." He tried to make his tone light but it came out as forced, making me swallow.

It's either educational podcasts or sad music.

Guilt gnawed its way up my throat and it me a second longer to answer him. Why was he here anyway? I don't remember doing anything that might've upset him.

Do I have his iPad instead of Isaiah's?

"Apparently there are eleven dimensions..." I finally replied, pausing the iPad. "Um, sorry if this is your iPad. I didn't mean to take it."

I didn't mean to take anything that has ever belonged to you.

"It's not mine," his tone was surprisingly reassuring which took me by surprise. After what I did to him, it would be more plausible to believe that Lucas would laugh if one day I vanished...or better yet, died.

Cursing myself to be strong was not working for me anymore. Taking a coward's way out seemed like an easy deal.

I didn't want to ask him what he was doing here in case I sounded rude and Lucas never came to my room again. This was progress. I would have smiled more if it didn't feel like knives were repeatedly being slammed into my lower half.

Amara had finally gotten tired of having to use drugs to make me hard. It would have been funny if she hadn't asked Matias to go hulk on me after.

She was sorry afterwards so, of course, that was okay. All was forgiven. I was not given a choice. Again. That was not surprising.

"We're having a bonfire outside." He said after a while.

I don't think I can move.

"Do I have to go?"

He shrugged.

"It's a requirement that I drag you if you don't. Besides, it's only seven."

I guess I can trip and fall into the fire. Maybe then she'll find someone else to torment. Just...just not me. I didn't even care that I was being selfish.

That was not new.

I plastered a fake grin on my face before standing up. The pain was unbearable. Maybe I shouldn't have flushed the painkillers she'd given me down the toilet yesterday night. But I guess it was either that or I would have killed myself.

Eh. Next time.

Ethan cheered as I went to the garden and plopped down on a chair, hissing.

How graceful.

"You looked flushed, princess." Elijah mocked from where he was sitting and I didn't have the heart to flip him off.

I'll take this over all the...fucking.

"He was listening to a physics podcast - leave him alone. We all know nothing arouses him more than that." Ethan waved a finger at Elijah before the two burst out laughing. "Okay - okay. Calm down. Your turn, Emile."

I furrowed my eyebrows.

"My turn to do what?" I asked as Isaiah handed me a bottle of cider and a handful of roasted chestnuts.

The two eatables were not that delicious but that was what we were given at every bonfire ever since I could remember. It was a tradition.

"What do you regret the most in your life?"

Being born?

I sighed. The list was as long as Salar de Uyuni.

"Agreeing to come downstairs," I muttered, making Elijah laugh.

Ethan shook his head before throwing a chestnut at me. Usually, I would have caught it. Tonight, I was too lethargic. If I fell asleep, Elijah and Ethan would probably leave me floating in the pool.

It wouldn't be the first time.

"No but seriously," I looked up at the sobriety in Ethan's voice, "can we just talk about Alicia? And don't give any avoidant bullshit, okay? It was a long time ago and you both need to get over it."

Lucas opened his mouth to protest but Elijah beat him to it.

"Lucas shut up. We've never heard Emile's point of view. Let him speak. I want to know how the fuck my Barbie-lookalike, fourteen-year-old brother bagged a twenty-year-old."

Maybe it was the buzz from cider or perhaps it was the pain that clouded my senses but I didn't even flinch at his accusation. His false accusation.

"I want to know as well," Isaiah spoke quietly, eyes serious as he looked at me.

I giggled, eyes hazy as I looked at him.

"I didn't bag her, stupid." I took another swig of my cider, crushing a chestnut as I thought about a particular bitch. "She bagged me. Said I looked to beautiful for her not to have a taste one day after school."

Lucas wouldn't mind.

"Emile - what-"

"Crazy bitch," I continued, not even realising what I was saying. "Crazy, fucking, manipulative bitch." I laughed...maybe it was a sob. "She couldn't even get me inside her. You know what the problem with crazy, fucking, manipulative bitches is? They think I'll enjoy it too...or maybe they don't Maybe she was just being selfish. Yeah...I like the sound of that. Alicia was a selfish bitch. You'd think she'd stop trying to get me hard after six tries-"

"Emile-"

"-but no. She tried to pump me with drugs. I vomited them back on her designer shoes, you know? And Lucas," I giggled, eyes blurry as I tried to look for him. Where was he? I couldn't see anyone. "Stupid found me after a long time. Best and worst night of my life. I was so happy I couldn't stop laughing like a maniac. Sorry about that, Lucas. But you did knock out a tooth of mine so I guess I am not that sorry? I don't know." I hunched over.

"Emile-"

"I don't know," I whispered.

I didn't know why Alicia had to do that.

I don't know why Amara is doing this.

I don't know.

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