"Talk to me, let's go deeper
You already know I need ya
We ain't keepin' no secrets
I wanna see ya leave on the lights"
Warning : coarse language
"Why don't you like to cuddle?" Harry's voice carries through the darkness.
"I do, just not with people I'm not comfortable with." My voice feels light and somewhat foreign. The bed we lay in is king size allowing enough space for each of us to breathe comfortably.
"You just let me fuck you?" The confusion is evident in the way he talks. "Why aren't you comfortable?"
"I'm going to the bathroom." I say softly before swinging my legs over the edge of the bed, landing on the floor. I pull on the silk robe that hangs behind the bedroom door and shuffle out of the darkness into the bathroom.
The manoeuvring around hookups is strange to me. With Harry and I there are no strings, no feelings, no anything. Being that level of intimate and not feeling anything is sometimes difficult.
I remind myself to breathe as I splash water over my face. My face is glowing as I make eye contact with myself in the mirror. Tonight felt different. It felt personal and that's exactly what I don't need.
The flush of the toilet is louder than anticipated and I realise I now have to go back out to Harry. The walk back to the dark room is slow and heart wrenching. My stomach feels convoluted as I turn the door knob.
Harry's lying in the same spot on the right side of the bed. "Harry?" I whisper.
"I'm awake."
I pull back the covers on the bed and slide beneath them.
"Do you want me to go?" Harry asks.
I consider his words for a minute. Usually he leaves but maybe he also feels different about tonight. "You can stay." I reply.
Harry pushes his hand across the bottom sheet, reaching for me. He finds my hand and moves his fingers in between mine. There's still two feet of space between our bodies.
"It feels like you don't want to be here." Harry says after a slight silence. My body hasn't relaxed yet and my hand gathers sweat where it meets his. I know why he asked me this I just can't seem to explain why I'm doing this tonight.
"I don't think anything I want to say is straightforward." I take my time choosing my words.
"Okay." Harry replies giving me an entry point for any of my thoughts. I try and line up everything I want to say within my mind even though I know as soon as I open my mouth it will all be lost.
"I find fame to be an anomalous concept." I begin, leaving a small pause for Harry to interject. "We let certain people have everything half the time for doing nothing." It feels strange not using my hands for emphasis on the words. "What do people get back?"
Harry doesn't move for a while and I almost consider going to sleep.
"It's entertainment. We find things we've never seen or done before and we think 'cool!' let's show everyone. You know how short lived fame is, Cass."
"I do." I speak to the ceiling. "How much time do we each have left? Do you think you'll still be selling out arenas when you're 45? Will I?"
"I hope so." Is all Harry says. It feels like he's closed the conversation.
"Will we still talk?" I almost whisper across the dark. My words hit everywhere; the floors, the lampshades, the windows.
"I think we will." Harry says. "Unless of course you tell me you don't want to." He's quiet but not finished. "I'll always give you everything you want."
I feel like crying for no exact reason. "When will this stop?" I try and lessen my words.
"Us?" Harry asks.
"Harry there is no us." I say.
"Do you ever wish there was?"
Oh.
"I haven't given it a lot of thought." I don't plan on spilling my entire head to him. Not tonight. Harry heaves a sigh, rubbing his thumb over my hand.
"You can open up to me, Cass. I promise nothing will come back around." I know he isn't lying when he speaks. I close my eyes and picture us together. Actually together.
"Can I take you out somewhere?" Harry's asks. "To dinner or something? You can say no, I don't know." I know if I could see his face, the tint of his cheeks would be red.
"Yeah, I wouldn't hate that."
Harry chuckles almost silently, continuing to run his thumb over my hand. "Goodnight, Cass." He says.
"Goodnight, Harry."
•
Icarus falls is beautiful. Later on I think I'll write something to do with "Flight of the stars" or "natural" but for now, here's what I thought of while hearing talk to me.
Thank you for 600 reads!!
Tell me what your favourite chapter(s) so far has/have been (mines 'headlights'!!)
-A x
