"I know you hear me when I cry."
•
"Works for me"
It feels like he broke my heart. All I can do is sit and think about him and what we could do and how he's so okay with this.
I don't know when I got so soft. I've cried more in the past three days than I have in the last three years. More tears have gone into this boy than any other before.
Mr Harry Styles. If you're listening, you broke my heart.
The year ended with a final party. Everyone anybody ever knew was going to be there. I was across the country with only mosquitoes and the moon to keep my company.
I sat scrolling endlessly through posts of New Years kisses, fireworks and best friends. It felt like desolation and nothing but.
Finally, I decided I needed to stop feeling so sorry for myself and make light of the new year.
My family and I were staying on a house by the beach. I'd never been swimming after dark before but I decided that now should be a good time to start. Maybe I could add this to my bucket list to make myself seem more interesting. I didn't have a bucket list.
I took a towel with me and walked across a little road to the beach. There was a rock wall that I had to scale before my toes hit the cool sand. I removed my shirt and shorts before leaving them on the rocks, beginning to make my way towards the ocean.
It might have been more like a bay as you could see another stretch of land way out in the distance. When the tide went out, it felt like you could almost make it halfway there.
One thing i knew for sure was that the water was freezing and salty. My toes seemed to coil back into my body as I took the first steps into the water. I could definitely see why I'd never done this before. Maybe if it could numb my toes it could make me forget about him.
I dived in underneath the gentle waves that were washing onto the sand, making sure to squeeze my eyes shut. I resurfaced further out, my feet just off the ocean floor. I'd never really been one for walking until you couldn't touch; all of the things on the sea floor made me uncomfortable.
As I treaded water my mind began to feel at peace. There was nobody else around and all I could hear was the waves of the ocean and the soft breeze. I didn't know how the night could be so beautiful yet cause me so much harm.
It had started out fine, Harry had called me before the party, wishing me a Happy new year and letting me know his plans. I'd never make him not attend something just because I wasn't with him, I trusted him.
I'd celebrated the night with my family that I didn't see very often. We lived in very different parts of the same country and it took hours to see one another. Everyone was now on their way home, or passed out drunk on the couch.
When Harry finally became drunk enough he called again. "Rosie" he muttered, voice distorted through the phone. "I've met a girl."
I remembered frowning at his words. Deep in my heart I knew what came next, I just really didn't want to hear it. Maybe I should have hung up and confronted him about it in the morning. Maybe he wouldn't even remember.
I didn't know what to say so I simply stayed quiet, my breaths coming out staggered. "She looks." He giggled, "A little bit like you."
There were many voices coming through the phone and all of the noise made it hard to focus on what he was saying. "Harry, who are you talking to?" A voice i'd never heard before began to question him. She sounded further away but gradually got closer.
"Rosie, my uh." Harry paused, I didn't like the way my heart was feeling. "Yeah, anyways rose, I don't know how long I can talk for." His voice changed from the soft one i'd been hearing to a hardened one, usually used on strangers.
"Harry, you called me." Was the only thing I managed to say. He was silent for a moment, shuffling noises heard on the other end of the line.
"Oh my god, get off." Harry mumbled to someone else.
"Yeah rosie, the girl i met. Makes me think of you. But," He pauses, "Can we take a break for the night."
I considered his words. He was feeling so unloved that he wanted to sleep with someone who looked like me without cheating. Really I couldn't seem to grasp which part of this was okay.
"I don't think a break is good. If you really want to be with her just end things with me."
Harry did some more mumbling to a different person before finally directing his attention to me. "She isn't really as good as you but i guess that works for me."
Oh.
I'd hung up the phone and held in my tears until I'd made it out of the house. As I lay now in the water, thinking it all over, a new wave of tears came. I had expected him to at least try and make me feel okay about what he was doing. Never had i ever pictured Harry to be this cold.
I closed my eyes as I floated. I knew how to swim so I wasn't really worried about which way the current would sweep me. Everything inside me hurt. My body ached for him to come around and tell me that it wasn't him, that he'd never choose someone else.
If he was to call me up in the morning all he would say is "Sorry, rosie. I had too much to drink."
How would that fix anything?
I let myself cry out in the emptiness of the night. The new year had started out in a different way than I had expected, and I wished with all of my heart that It hadn't.
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i've listened to night changes at least 15 times today. i don't know how to bring my ideas back.
-A x
