Yesterday I broke a boys heart.
He called me and told me that he was sorry. After everything i'd done I felt like I really didn't deserve all of that.
I lie here and feel lost without him even though I don't miss him, I'm used to him always being around. I try to match him to the earth so that I'm left with nothing but things that I love but that isn't him.
Harry, to me, was a friend. Yes, here we go again with the friendzone. I didn't tell it to him like that though and I think it confused him. For him, I was a permanent placement. He talked about plans for one, even two years down the track and I couldn't wrap my head around how serious he was. It was intense.
My head almost comes up blank when I try to remember exactly what happened and everything that went down in order but I think if I tried hard enough I could provide a decent recount.
I'll start by telling you how long we'd been friends; almost three years. For a while we would tell each other everything. However, like all things, it ended and he found someone else to talk to in the ways that he couldn't talk to me in. Admittedly it hurt but I wouldn't ever tell him that. He tells people he's wanted more for a long time and even though he's telling the truth I want to believe he only likes the idea of being with me because it's been in his head for such a long time.
On nights where we hadn't seen each other in forever, he'd call me on the phone. We would talk about what we'd been up to and when that ran dry we came up with everything under the sun. I couldn't name anything we talked about. I don't even think he would be able to. Maybe.
It wasn't my intention to hurt him in the way that I did. Reading from my side will always be biased because I'll never really know everything he feels. I'm trying my hardest not to show myself in the best light but I know I'll always do that.
I took something from him that he can never re-do and that was my mistake. Accidentally, I took Harry as a lab experiment. 'What would happen if...'
We were alone like never before and he kissed me the way he had never done to anyone else. To me, a kiss is just a kiss in the same way that a touch is just a touch. I forgot that not everyone feels the same way I do and I broke him. I walked around for hours upon hours until the sun finally faded away and I could see the first stars.
None of my options seemed to be the right ones. I couldn't stay with him because he was more invested in everything than I was. However, leaving didn't seem to sit right either. Our romance wasn't long but I felt like I owed him many things. Him and I shared things that I shared with nobody else. Not yet at least.
Walking home I felt used and he felt on top of the moon.
I called him as I walked, kicking sticks and rocks off the road before me. He was at home, probably dancing around under the hallway lights, celebrating his achievements. Harry isn't the bad guy although I think i've made it sound like he is. In this story, I'm sure I hold that title.
He cried. As soon as I began to speak, he cried. My heart didn't seem to dip and break in the way that it was meant to. I'm sure if i had've been less of a coward and gone back to see him face to face it would have. Maybe face to face would have ended differently. I let him cry but I couldn't bring him much comfort, for his discomfort didn't change the decisions i've made. My heart is strong where his doesn't seem to be and that is neither a good nor a bad thing. We didn't align and I couldn't be there for him.
I couldn't quote many of the things I said that night over the phone but I remember calling myself stupid multiple times. Maybe in a weird way, I felt that blaming myself would help him deal with everything I was saying. Then, his pain could be transferred into dislike. Maybe, that would make him stop crying and instead turn to yelling. I could deal with yelling.
It didn't work.
He told me he couldn't find it in himself to hate me. I'd been a constant in his life for so long that after what I did he still couldn't hate me. I admire him for that. I'm not sure how he does it.
Our souls are parts of different stars and we weren't meant to be - or so I keep telling myself. Everything I'm feeling is temporary as it has been all of the times before. I don't love with my whole heart in the way he does and maybe that's why I seem to be okay with what happened. Well, not okay with what I did but in the way it ended.
I've learnt that I shouldn't start things I don't know how to finish. All i'm left with now is pieces at my feet and faded friendships. Still, I can't cry over this like he seems to be doing. Why can't I feel it like he does. All I feel is guilty even though I know that my heart made the right choice. I'm sorry to the universe for the way that I hurt their creature and I hope someone can forgive me. Someone other than him because I don't think I deserve that.
I doubt Harry and I's story will have a definite end. I think that for as long as time goes on and he and I both live, we will run into each other. Maybe in a few years i'll see him in town when he comes back with his children to visit his parents. I'd prefer not to think about that though.
I would describe us like a single trip around a ferris wheel. The beginning is always slow and for some reason it's the most daunting part. At the top there's the view and it's usually a sight no matter how hard you have to grip onto your seat. It ends just as quickly and soon you begin the descent that seems to go so quickly because all you can think about is what happened at the top.
I don't love Harry and he doesn't love me, even if he tells himself he does.
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Life caught up to me in ways it never could before.
In an awful way i'm glad this happened so that I can write in new angles.
Thank you for using your time on me.
- A x
