AFO CRITIQUE SHOP [BATCH 2 - FULL]

B2-Bully and Bullied (Aniway_Arad)

📕Requester: Aniway_Arad
📕Title: Bully and Bullied
📕Critic Mentor: Lureylie_new

➡️Ang iyong mababasa ay pawang opinyon lamang na may pinagbasehan.

➡️Nawa'y makatulog ako upang mas mahasa mo ang iyong kakayahan.

➡️1-5 chapters lang ang pinagbasehan ko ng critique na ito. Wag sanang dibdibin ng sobra.

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BOOK COVER
- To be honest with you, the book cover was not that inviting to my taste. Why? First, the logos or the seals at the upper part are somewhat distracting. I didn't get the point of why putting it there kung pwede naman isulat sa blurb or you could have a special page for it and paste those damn seals. Another thing is the title fonts were to conjested on the center. Can you please find for an editor to have it edit? The U in the bully looks  ii and it read as biilly na walang tuldok sa itaas. Lastly, it didn't give an idea to your story at all. Yes, I saw a bike which represented the stranger guy but besides that, parang dalawang taong namamatay ang nagkatalikod ang tingin ko. Since Gen Fiction naman ang genre, ang dali lang makahanap bebelabs ng cover for your story. Just use real image, mas angkop ito sa cover mo. . .I'm sure may mahahanap ka. 😊

Title:

- The crucial and the most difficult part in making a story. Why? Dahil sa title mo ipinapakita ang plot mo o ang kwento mo in less words and hit the purpose, the plot and the target. As I read your form, My lip started to snort. Medyo 'di ko kasi type ang title BUT as I flip those pages and read the chapters, smile pasted on my lips. Nakuha mong itatak in two words ang kwento mo, 'yong concept mo. There a girl who was bullied by the bully Errol. As easy as one, two, three. Kuha agad di ba? May idea ka nang ganoon.  Aside from that, the title can easily be remembered. Importante 'yan para mas maraming tumangkilik ng books mo. Remember those one word titles, mas marami silang readers, madali lang kasing mahanap at matandaan. A technique that writers must remember for always.

For you to have tips(just incase) you want to draft a new title. Visit this site for guideline😊

www.iuniverse.com/Resources/Writing-Editing/HowToChooseABookTitle.aspx

Opening
- I kinda lost of track.  As I read it, parang isang pahina ito ng taong mamamatay na and eventually may tutulong sa kanya. Tama ba? Pansin ko parang prologue ito ng isang fantasy na kwento rather than being in the Gen Fic. The problem is not with the thought, its the words na ginamit ni author. Masyadong pormal para maisip ko na kwento ng pag-ibig ito sa kasalukuyan. Ipapaliwanag ko sa iyo mamaya ang mga ito.

Conflict
- I read two types of conflict used in the story. First, Man vs Man. This is the portion where Kristine was bullied by Errol. Usually, sa conflict na ito naangkop ang kwento mo kaya masigarbong palakpakan 👏👏 dahil nabigyan mo ng maayos na hibla ang conflict /problema ng dalawa. Second: Man vs Man. Its in Kristine's perspective. She has a problem with herself. She can't deal with Errol. Typically, when we are bullied, we usually, spank, throwing sword, let him eaten by a pirranha. But she's different. She just keep it inside. Its not a problem actually, but it becomes a problem if she will never overcome it. Kris, you have a lot of options for Errol's piggy panty madness. Just kick his balls. He deserves it :)

Plot
- Its not that unique but its not too clichè either. Ika nga sa "Easy Rock", it was just the right rock. 😉 Your plot started like a pendulum na humihina when Kris was connected to Errol because of the family's friendship at lumakas ang galaw nang nameet niya ang isang stranger that completely renew her system. Damn, alam ko na kung saan ito patutungo kaya maypagka-clichè na. Kapag ganito ang mga estilo, kailangan na may mga refreshing  mini plots ka in order to spice up the every updates. How? Play with your character. Make some funny scenes or even put some unexpected turn of events. Sa ganyang pamamaraan, maiaalis mo ang clichè feels sa pagbabasa. So far, pasok sa panlasa ko ang akda mo.