Elsie-Rae's got Double D's

heartbroken

Have spent the last two days stuck in my room, my mum's knocked a couple of times to see if I'm okay, but I just told her that I don't feel well — and it's not like I'm lying, I am ill — I heard people can die from a broken heart.

"Elsie, are you okay in there, love?" she just doesn't know when to give in. I wish she'd just leave me alone; she doesn't go knocking on Sam's door ten times a day and he spends half his life confined to his room, I mean he is a prisoner to the PlayStation after all.

And what would she do if I did let her in? It's not like she would understand my heartbreak. No one would. How could they? I don't even understand it myself - it's not like there had been any warning signs that Ben didn't love me anymore.

I'm supposed to go back to work tomorrow, but I can't, I just can't go out there and face people. You know, plaster a fake smile on my face when all I want to do is cry.

But honestly, I don't know what's worse though — going back into civilisation or sitting in a room full of memories of Ben.

The photo of us smiling when we'd gone to Turkey last summer.

And the teddy bear that proudly declared that I was the 'World's Best Girlfriend.' What kind of lie was that? Or maybe it had been Ben's idea of a joke when he gave it to me on Valentine's Day.

The DVD's stacked up on the side, a pile that we'd watched and another pile waiting to be watched, well, we wouldn't be watching those now would we? They'd remain unwatched, forever.

This wasn't how things were supposed to work out. I was not supposed to be cuddling that teddy bear while I lay in bed doing that stupid hiccup crying thing.

There was no way I could get over this heartache; it just wasn't possible! Of course, I'd have to put on a brave face and try my best, but I'd need someone to guide me, I suppose there was one person who could maybe help me, she always seemed to know what to say and what to do. It didn't matter what the problem was, Debbie always had the solution.

Work was as bad as I thought it would be. Aaron couldn't wait to tell me all about what he got up to on the weekend — the bitch didn't invite me up to Manchester with him though did he? No, he was up there having the time of his life, getting drunk on cheap shots, while I was here getting my heart broken. And he calls himself my best friend! Yeah right, some sort of best friend that is.

And what about Leslie, the cow — Darren went and asked her to marry him. Coming into the salon flashing her ring off to everyone as if she's some sort of Kate Middleton.

Bank holiday weekend and I should be out with my mates, but I'm not. I'm too heartbroken for that — and I bet Ben would be out, and I know I read that you're supposed to go out there and show him what he's missing, but let's be honest if he saw me he'd realise that he wasn't missing much.

My face is all puffy from crying myself to sleep every-single-night, that's every night I've been single if you were wondering.

"What's wrong with your eyes love?" my dad asked me this morning while we ate breakfast.

And I couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth — that I'd been crying, again, I knew that he'd think I was being silly. "Well, it's his loss. Stupid fool." That's what he'd said when my mum told him that Ben had finished with me.

So, I told him that I'd had an allergic reaction to some new mascara I bought. I felt really bloody awful lying to him, but what can you do?