Elsie-Rae's got Double D's

spray tan disaster

So, things didn't quite work out as Aaron had predicted, and I certainly wasn't looking my best by the time he'd finished with me. Why on earth did I think letting him spray tan me after he'd been on the Jägerbombs was a good idea? Because it wasn't!

It was probably the worst idea we'd ever had, well, the worst idea we'd had in a while anyway, and we've cocked-up a fair few times in the past. I looked like an Oompa Loompa, but worse, so much worse. Aaron had gone wild with the tan; he'd sprayed so much that it had all run down my legs and stained my ankles and feet — honestly, it looked like I'd been suffering from a really nasty case of diarrhoea.

It wasn't only the nervousness of meeting Dean's mum that I had to contend with, but my socks and ankle boots were making my feet all hot and sweaty. Summer was showing no signs of disappearing and because of Aaron, I'd had to dress as if it was the middle of bloody winter.

Dean picked me up and drove me over to his house; it was on the other side of town to where I lived. "Try not to look out of the window too much," he said, trying to make a joke, but I think he was actually pretty embarrassed. "It's not the nicest of places," he said with a smile that looked more like a grimace.

As if he thought that I cared where he lived. "What's wrong with it?"

"Well, you're used to the nice part of town aren't you," he said as he parked the car.

"Shut up! I've been to this side of town before," I said. It was the other side of town not the other side of the world, did he really think I'd never set foot on the estate. Jesus, it wasn't as if I went around acting like some kind of entitled princess, he was getting me confused with Steph. "What do you think I am some sort of snob?"

And anyway I thought that the sofa and fridge that his neighbours had in their front garden was an excellent idea. I mean who doesn't want to sit outside with all the comfort of being inside at the same time? "Are we gonna go in then, or what?" I asked him when we'd been sat in the car out the front of what I assumed to be his house for ten minutes, and he'd made no attempt to move.

"Yeah, I suppose," he said with a shrug of his shoulder before eventually opening the car door. "We don't have to stay for long if you don't want to; it can be a bit much if you're not used to them."

Wow, and my mum accused me of being a drama queen; I had nothing on Dean. He'd met my family and lived to tell the tale, just how bad could his be?

"Mum? You about?" he shouted as we walked in through the front door, and then this huge, boisterous dog came running, it jumped up and sniffed at my crotch.

"Tyson, get down!" someone shouted. "I know what you're thinking," she said, "that I can't possibly be his mother."

And it was true; she didn't look old enough to be his mother.

"I was a young mum," she said. "I'm Val, and you must be Elsie, we've heard a lot about you."

"Oh, yeah, he doesn't shut up about you," a teenage boy who'd followed her in piped up.

"Fuck off Asbo!"

Asbo? What kind of name was that? Well, I later learnt that Dean's younger brother Ricky had earned the nickname Asbo based on Dean's reputation, and anti-social behaviour. I thought that was particularly unfair especially as Ricky hadn't even had so much as detention at school.

"We're all in the garden, come and sit out with us," Dean's mum said.

I smiled at Dean and followed his mum out of the back door, he grimaced and reluctantly came out too. When she'd said that they were all in the garden, I didn't realise that she meant there were so many of them. That was the first time I'd met someone who had nine siblings, I thought that kind of thing was outdated these days. Honestly, the thought of growing up with so many brothers and sisters was horrible.

"So, you're the one keeping him on the straight and narrow are you?" his step-dad asked.

"Ere, try this," his sister said shoving a drink in my hand and making me taste it before I got chance to answer the question.

But I think the truth was that we were both sort of keeping each other in check. Dean hadn't been arrested since our first date, and I'd managed to get my neurotic behaviour under control.

"It's just what he needs; it's about time he sorted himself out. In and out of prison all the time, just like his dad." Val spoke up, and I could see that Dean was embarrassed. "It's no life. When you have kids, do you want them to be visiting their dad in prison like you had to?" She finally stopped for air. "Do you want that life, Elsie, taking your kids to visit their dad for an hour, once a month?"

No, no, I didn't want that life, but how had we suddenly ended up here? This was the first time I'd met Dean's mum, and already she practically had me married and pregnant while Dean was serving a long stretch in prison, again.

"Are you pregnant? Is that why he's brought you to meet me? He's never been so keen for me to meet one of his girlfriends before."

"No. Just shut up will ya?" Dean finally spoke.

We only stayed for about an hour after that, but that was long enough — if I thought my house and my family were mad, Dean's were a hundred times worse. And yeah, in a way I suppose it had been nice to meet them, but I most definitely didn't want a return visit for a while.