Clara Shelby

Chapter 3

John leads me back to the house that I once knew well and so many memories come to mind of an easier happier time, I hope these streets will always hold happy memories for me. In the front room is Finn, my baby brother who is almost unrecognisable since as has grown far too much. Nerves take over me as I am unsure, he will remember me, he was so young before. He looks me up and down several time and looks at me questioningly "Clara?" he asks tentatively. I do not need any more motivation to envelop him in my arms and cradle him close to my chest. Looking at him makes me realise how much time has passed and how much I have missed, Finn was barely a boy the last time I saw him and here he is almost a man. By the time I realise I am crying its much too late to stop it, I have no words and my emotions are conflicted. I feel grieved by the many years and memories stolen from me yet so happy to be back among my family.

Finn hugs me back tightly and comforts me by telling me the things he remembers from our childhood, I am so relieved that I am not a stranger to the boy I helped raise. It scares me that Finn is the same age now as I was when I was taken. Talking to him brings back so many memories but it also makes me realise how much I have had to mature over the past 5 years. Not only has Finn's childhood been stolen from me, my own has too. Polly interrupts telling me that she's run a bath for me and that she thinks she still has some of Ada's old clothes for me to wear. John assures me that Tommy will bring me new clothes that would be made for a lady and I laugh. It feels good to laugh freely it's been a long time. I slowly count each stare I take on the way and not the patterns on the walls and the ceiling. I am desperate to take in every detail of this house I didn't appreciate as a child.

The bath is too hot and it burns my skin but I welcome it as if feels as though I am washing away the misery the past five years has brought me. I stay in the bath until the water has ran cold as I wash every inch of skin, desperate to get rid of the dirt and the memories that seem to taint my pale skin. I wrap myself in a towel tightly as I run to the adjourning room to dress myself. The dress Polly has laid out for me is one Ada wore when she was much younger than me, I wonder how she possibly expects me to fit into it. That is until I look in the mirror. By now I am used to the scars that decorate my body, the old and the new, I have fewer bruises than I have in a long time and wonder how long it will take for them to heal and I hope that for once they won't be replaced. This is not what shocks me though. I haven't been aware of how skinny I've become until I stand naked in front of the mirror tracing the ribs that are prominent in my belly. I also notice that my legs are so skinny they look as though they could snap if I wansn't and my arms aren't much better. I carefully try on the dress and sigh when it is too big. This is a problem; a problem Tommy will be very aware of and a problem Tommy will try and solve. I can already imagine him watching my eating and getting me to report my diet to him. For a second, I feel frustration growing inside of me until I remember all the days, I wished Tommy was there to protect me and I know in that moment I won't try to stop his obsessive protectiveness, not for a while anyway.

I carefully brush my hair and apply some light makeup but the longer I spend in front of the mirror the worse my mood becomes, my hair has grown thin and has stopped growing, my face is sunken, skinny and the bags under my eyes are visible from the other side of the room. For some reason I thought once I was clean and in some proper clothes, I would feel beautiful but I feel as far away from that as I think I ever have. I take a deep breath I will not let this put a damper on my day. I put on the shoes that have been left out for me and go back down the stairs to where Polly and the boys are waiting. John, Arthur and Finn are sitting around the table and Polly is standing over the stove cooking. The boys chat among themselves, Arthur looking up to me to say "There she is," giving me a pat on the back and returning to his conversation with my brothers.

I approach Polly consciously, I don't want to share too much, not before I talk with Tommy, but I don't want to talk to Tommy before having this conversation. "Poll," I begin, she looks up at me and immediately sees the seriousness in my expression.
"Go on," she says, "They can't hear ya," she says gesturing her head towards the table. I take a deep breath and think about the way I'm going to word this.
"Poll, I need something that's gonna help me put on weight, fast. I swear Ada wore this dress when she was twelve and I know Tommy and they boys are gonna worry..."
She hands me a bottle of pills she has on the shelf next to her "Take one in the morning and one before you go to bed, but make sure your eating plenty in between. If Tommy says anything you tell me and I'll put him in his place. But for now, foods ready, go and sit with your brothers." I thank her, give her a small hug and take my seat in between John and Finn at the table, Ada joins us and Polly serves lunch. I think of all the times I have imagined this moment, sitting with my siblings, talking and laughing. I am cautious that there are eyes on me as I eat but I remind myself not to let it annoy me, they are doing it out of love.

After lunch John takes me for a walk around the block, he points out to me where he's living now with Esme and their children. He seems happy and something inside of me settles knowing that he is doing well, out of all the siblings John and I are the closest in age and our bond is like no other. He tells me that when they got back from war, they never stopped looking for me, they involved the Lees, the police, all the blinders. I tell him that I've been in Ireland with an adoptive family but he stops me and tells me to tell him no more before I talk with Tommy. I agree knowing that Tommy would take it personally if I were to tell John first. He asks me what I know of them, of what they've been up to the last five years. I laugh and remind him that they were the peaky blinders long before they went to war. "Between you, Tommy and Arthur I could have come to war with you as a trained medical professional," I remind him of all the wounds I treated when they returned from fights; fights in parks, fights in pubs, fights with anyone and everyone. I tell him that from what I've heard and from what I know that they have been up to nothing good in the past five years but that Tommy will tell me any details I need to know. He agrees that it would be best that way. Upon the mention of Tommy, I grow nervous of the chat I know I will have with him soon, I need to decide whether to tell him the whole truth or not. Johns leads me back to the house but instead takes me through a different door which leads into a shop. John promises that Tommy will explain everything as he leaves me in his office, kissing me lightly on the forehead and telling me for the millionth time that he has missed me.