Clara Shelby

Chapter 5

Once he is content that I am emotionally stable Tommy makes some phone calls and as he speaks into the receiver, I become aware that he is making a doctor's appointment for me. I hear him curse and swear as he argues with whoever is on the other end of his calls as he demands the presence of a specific doctor tomorrow. When he finally gets his way, he sets the phone down, sighs and looks up at me with fear in his eyes as he anticipates my reaction.
"Dr Smith will be around tomorrow to see you," he tells me his voice breaks letting me know he is not as put together as he would like me to think.
"I'm not sick Tommy,"
"I'm not taking any chances Clara," he tells me sternly. I nod knowing that this is Tommy's way of taking control of the situation, Tommy's always had to be in control. Five years ago, this would bother me and lead to a fight between us but for once I quite like the idea of him telling me what to do and looking after me. I wonder how long it will last.

"Clara, I need you to look at me and tell me honestly what you know and how you feel, things have changed around here since you left. I will tell you everything but I need you to know that I will kill them, the men that did this to you will die."
I stare at him for a moment going over the stories I had heard about my brothers on my way here and I realise that they are true, well most of them are anyway. I choose my words carefully as I want Tommy to know that I want to be fully part of the family, and that includes what they Peaky Blinders get up to. "Good fucking riddance," I tell Tommy who had been looking at me apprehensively. He nods and refills our glasses with whisky and slides mine across the table to me. He raises his glass in the air in toast "Welcome to the Peaky Blinders, Clara Shelby."

Tommy filled me in on what the boys had been up to once they returned from France, particularly the past two years and their defeat of Billy Kimber. He told me the roles of everyone in the business and promised that he would find one for me once I was ready to work. I agreed that I would like to work and made it clear to him that it did not matter to me whether I dealt with the legal or not so legal end of the business. Just like Tommy, John and Arthur escaped death in France, I escaped death in Derry and I'll be damned if I'm going to spend the rest of it looking over my shoulder. Life is for living. I decided in that moment that I would not live to regret another second of my life. We agree that at the family meeting I will tell everyone in attendance briefly what I have been through.

Once we finish our drinks Tommy leads me out of the betting shop into the house that I had been in a few hours before. When we enter John is standing at the head of the table and Esme sits on the stairs quietly making remarks. "On your feet, Esme," Tommy calls as he closes the door behind us. I take a seat between Arthur and John as Tommy declares that we are a modern enterprise and forces John to shut up and allow Esme to say her peace. Although I was introduced to her at the funeral, I didn't pay her much attention so when I look at her now it becomes clear to me that she is a gypsy from the way she talks to the way she dresses. Her words are fiery but it is obvious that she is cautious, she is brave enough to speak but not to take a place at the table, which makes me realise that I sat here without hesitation despite my long absence. I suppose it is only right I am a Shelby by blood, even if I am only the boy's half-sister. Tommy shuts Esme's claims down and takes control of the meeting. Tommy and his fucking control issues, I role my eyes and catch Polly smile in my direction clearly thinking the same thing.

Tommy warns anyone who wants to stand in his way to leave, I look John dead in the eye silently daring him to defy Tommy. He flips me off and I turn my attention back to Tommy. He tells us briefly of his expansion plans in London and how they are to begin tomorrow. Immediately I am on my feet declaring that I am going with them, I expect Tommy to fight me and prepare myself for an argument but he surprises me when he says,
"Good, we might need you,"

I am stunned into silence and quickly take my seat again at the table before someone can object. Tommy doesn't tell us much but promises our day trip will swiftly kickstart business in London. He then encourages me to tell the boys what I had told him not an hour before. I summarise it and tell them everything that they need to know. Before I am close to finished Esme leaves the stairs and hands me a handkerchief which I accept and dab at my eyes despite no tears falling. She looks at me with sadness in her eyes, but I don't want her pity, the only things I want from the people in this room are love and acceptance. Arthur is on his feet swearing like a sailor and flips his chair but no one pays him much attention, I jump at first but I am not alarmed. He remains on his feet pacing the room until I finish. When I do, he lets me know all the things he will do to them when he gets his hands on them and honestly, I am torn between being frightened of his fury and laughing at how comical he looks pulling at his moustache and pacing back and forth. Without warning a giggle escapes me and he turns to me as if ready to pounce. "You think this if fucking funny!?" he shouts and I role my eyes again as Polly tells him to sit down. She holds my gaze and I feel as though she has enchanted me as I am unable to look away, it is clear though that she is asking for answers and will grill me with questions the next time we are alone, this is Polly's way of showing that she cares.

I am shocked though by John his reaction surprises me as I expected him to be the one to comfort me and hold me and maybe even cry but when I look to him expecting him to finally react, I find that he cannot meet my eyes. "John?" I ask my voice breaking as I feel my calm exterior wilting away.
"Fucking don't, Clara." He whispers as he quickly gets us leaves the room and slams the door behind him.
"Fuck," Tommy whispers.
"Ye I didn't see that coming, not from him," I reply. I look to Esme hoping she will be able to provide some explanation for her husband's reaction.
"He's had nightmares," she tells us. "About you and what happened to you and they've haunted him. When he saw you today, he thought that you were okay, and now you've confirmed that you're not..."
"Fuck." I mutter quickly downing the whisky in front of me. I stand to my feet and look at Tommy, almost asking his permission "I'm going after him," I half tell him, half ask. He nods before turning his attention to Arthur who is still pacing the floor. Polly makes me wait on her as she promises to walk me out and point out which house is John's, I smile at her thankfully and put on John's coat that he has forgotten as I still do not have one of my own.

"Has Tommy booked Dr Smith yet?" Polly asks the second the door closes behind us. She offers me a cigarette and I gladly take it to calm my nerves, this is the first time I have smoked one since I stole one of Polly's to try almost five years ago.
"Yea I'm seeing him tomorrow," I tell her.
"Good," she replies as we begin our walk down Watery Lane. She questions me about girl stuff about when I bled for the first time and such. She then asks me how well I treated any wounds and I laugh telling her that the doctor will tell us tomorrow. She agrees and we walk in silence for a minute before she asks me a question that catches me off guard. "What was it like, being in care? Being taking away from your family?"
I blink a few times unable to find the answer, all I can think of is the agony of everything you've ever known being ripped away from you in the blink of an eye.
"You know my son and daughter were taken from me?" she asks when I do not reply instantly.
"Yes, I remember them Poll," I tell her. This is only a half-truth I remember knowing about Polly's children who I should have been brought up with but I have no memories of my own of them. Polly stops an looks at me, hope radiating off her entire body, "Do you think they could be alive?" She asks me. I am reminded off all the times in the past four years I thought I was going to die or all the times I thought about killing myself. But as I look at this desperate woman in front of me, I cannot bring myself to tell her about the bad and so I simply tell her-
"Honestly, I think they might be."
She is unable to hide the smile that grows on her face as she points out John's house to me. She kisses my forehead and I am told for what feels likes the millionth time that day that she is glad I am back. I catch myself before I role my eyes and remember where I have been for the past five years and decided that I could listen to my family tell me they are glad that I am back every day for the rest of my life.