Clara Shelby

Chapter 7

I wake early about 5, the doctor is due at 7 and Tommy plans to be on the road to London just after 9. I quickly try to pour myself a bath whist being careful to try and not wake Tommy. I only end up with a half-filled tub and the water is barely warm, but it will do I don't have the time to lie back and relax anyway. I scrub and scrub my skin until it is red raw trying to get rid of any trace of Derry or their touch on my skin. The thought of them has me feeling physically sick and so I quickly dunk my head under the water to try and rid my brain of any memories that are unwanted. Deciding that the bath gives me too much opportunity to think I quickly jump out of it and set about getting myself ready for the day.

Polly and Ada have let me borrow some essentials from them until I get the chance to acquire my own, hopefully soon. As I put my damp hair up into rollers, I wonder about the clothes Tommy promised to buy me, I completely forgot about them yesterday with everything else going on. I allow my mind to explore the fun I could have going shopping now, this is my first chance to express myself as an adult and I find myself excited at the thought. I file through the makeup that has been left for me and try to remember the use for each product, memories of Ada trying to show me where everything should be applied and for what purpose so many years ago come to mind and I take a mental note to ask her next time I see her to fill me in on the latest makeup trends.

After powdering my face and failing to apply eyeliner I decided that red lipstick allows me to appear as though am wearing lots of makeup without actually having to and so I settle for powder and lipstick.

Tommy is sitting at the table when I go downstairs dressed in yesterdays clothes, he is smoking a cigarette with some light paperwork scattered on the desk around him.
"Arthur is shit with numbers," Tommy says nonchalantly without raising his head.
"Well Arthur barely went to school, too busy trying to be head of this family," I retaliating remembering Arthur looking after us all after our father left us.
"Yer, but it's just something you learn," Tommy complains.
"Arthur just learns different to you and me," I defend my eldest brother with the ghost of a smile on my face happy for the distraction this conversation is providing.
"I thought John done the books anyway,"
"Yer but Arthur's gotta give John the numbers to put into the book and he just fucking can't..."
"Language Thomas!" I tease enjoying Tommy's frustrations. I watch as the creases on his forehead become increasingly prominent as he studies the mess Arthur has made of the accounts before eventually offering to take a look at myself.

Dr Smith arrives just as Tommy and I finish up transferring Arthur's jumbled up numbers into the books correctly, Tommy promises that he is going to hire Arthur a secretary. I offer to take the job but Tommy assures me that he has bigger plans for me.

The doctor brings with him a cold wooden examination table which I am currently lying on sans underwear under my dress. Unsurprisingly I find that I am nervous, not for the actual examination but for the fact that something might actually be wrong, that Derry could have done permanent damage. I try to think of the worst-case scenario and decide that I will prepare myself for this and then anything else won't seem as bad. Racking my brains, I try to think of what my worst-case scenario would be, I don't want to die but I've settled with the idea of death before so this doesn't seem so terrifying. Then it comes to me and my heart sinks, infertility. The thought that I could never be a mother one day breaks my heart into two, that those men may have stolen not only my child from me but the opportunity to have one in the future.

The child they stole from me will always hurt me but it was never my child it was always and would always have been theirs even if I had escaped it would have been a constant reminder. I don't know what I would have done or what I will do if I find out I am still pregnant. I want to be a mother more than anything in the world but as selfish as it may be, I don't want the child of my captures. Sending a child into care after my experience is a definite no, not unless it was to someone, I knew I could trust to take care of and love the child.

Doctor Smith enters the room pulling me from my harrowing thoughts, that is a box that I am trying to keep closed. He is clearly in his late thirties or early forties but his hair is still prominently brown with a few grey strands starting to show, his eyes are hidden beneath bush man eyebrows which do not compare to the fat long moustache sat above his lip. He makes small talk with me but I can tell from his awkwardness that Tommy has told him why I need to see a doctor. He asks me a couple of health-related questions while he sets about examining me. After several minutes of uncomfortable silence, I decide that I just want the ground to swallow me up as I can no longer bare the middle-aged man thoroughly examining my ladies' bits.

When he finally finishes Dr Smith leaves the room and instructs me to pee into a jar, he hands me and put my underwear back on and meet him back in the living room. When I return Tommy is sitting on the sofa with a grim expression on his face as Dr Smith sits in the armchair on the other side of the room twiddling his long moustache between two fingers. The sight makes me uncomfortable and Tommy's expression when he meets my eyes is one of worry and concern. As I sit next to him, I take his hand in mine needing the support of my older brother at this moment. Dr Smith sets about the jar that I gave him adding sticks and liquids until it changes colour.

"Well to start with, I can confirm that you are not pregnant any longer Miss Shelby. All the same there are clean signs of a botched termination and with this there is always risk of infection, one can never be too careful with these things," he says eyeing Tommy and letting him know that he is covering every aspect. He prescribes me some tablets and an ointment to ensure that I do not become infected from the termination. He tells me that he has taken swabs and samples and says that while there is no sign of disease these things can sometimes be silent killers. He assures me that he will have my samples tested and my results returned to me within a week. I nod and thank him knowing that this is a lot quicker than the standard waiting times, Tommy must be paying him off. He tells me that it may take a while for my "body functions" to return to normal but that I can phone him at any time of the day if there are any abnormalities. I thank him again and Tommy shows him out.

When Tommy returns, he looks at me cautiously clearly trying to understand how I'm feeling before he speaks. For a minute I stare him down curious as to how he took the doctors diagnosis but decide to put him out of his misery.
"Its good news Thomas," I reassure him, a smile growing on my face. He quickly returns it and leaves me alone in the living room. I tell myself that it is good news over and over again in my head until it sinks in. I am here away from them and it seems as though they have not left any permanent damage on me. Good news.

Tommy returns a few moments later a beautiful golden strappy dress, he holds it on its hanger showing it off.
"It's gorgeous," I gasp completely in awe of the beautiful gown.
"It's yours," Tommy tells me. I look at him as if he is stupid, this dress was made for some beautiful socialite not a kid like me and I tell him as much.
"You're not a kid anymore, Clara. At least go and try it on Arthur and John will be waiting on us if we don't hurry up.

I don't have it in me to argue with him as I snatch the dress out of his hand and run up the stairs with it, careful so it doesn't trail on the ground. I have it on in two seconds though I am still determined it will look stupid on my child like figure.

Shocked is an understatement when I look into the mirror. I hardly recognise myself, it's as if the beautiful gown has the magical powers of making me look beautiful too. I look like a proper lady as I turn in the mirror one last time to ensure my reflection copies my actions. I run down the stairs as fast as I can to thank Tommy for the wonderful gift but I am stopped by the expression on his face. It is a mix of pride and horror as he tells me that I have been gifted with the Shelby looks I swat away his compliment as I remind him that we are to pick up John and Arthur. He grabs his keys and holds the door open for me as we begin our trip to London.