Clara Shelby

Chapter 4

A/N- okay feel like i should put some sort of warning here, this chapter is quite dark and contains mature content...

It feels like I am waiting for hours before Tommy finally makes an appearance, while I am waiting, I explore his office going into every drawer and cupboard that aren't locked. Without really meaning to I listen to the conversations of the men outside and find that this is a betting shop in less than half of the bets are legal. It doesn't surprise me and I sigh knowing that I will hear a lot worse from Tommy in the next few hours. After successfully finding where he keeps his glasses and whiskey, I pour a glass for us both. I finish mine long before Tommy arrives and so pour another and hope he doesn't notice that there is whiskey missing. The sight of Irish whiskey in the cabinet makes me shiver and I almost drop the glasses in disgust before composing myself and remind myself that I have put thousands of miles between me and that godawful horrid place.

When Tommy enters, he barely acknowledges me and downs the glass of whiskey I have poured for him in one gulp. He flings his jacket on the rack and his cap on the table and slumps in his seat with a scowl on his face. He looks like his head may explode from anger and I don't know what to do, I no longer know how to look after him. So, I do the only thing I can think of I gingerly pick up his cap and hold it in my hands for a minute taking note of the blade sewn into it before placing it on my head. Tommy looks up at me speechless his entire body relaxes as he takes in the sight of me standing in front of his desk wearing his cap. He smiles and I am so relieved to see that smile that a giggle escapes from my mouth without permission. "You used to do that every day when I got home," he smiles at the memory.
"You used to get mad if I wore John or Arthurs," I reply knowing he used to try and hide this fact but he would always swap the hat on my head for his if I had put on someone else's. The tension in his shoulders visibly disappears and I note that he looks so much younger when he's relaxed.

We make small talk for several minutes but it's awkward and impossible to ignore the elephant in the room- the story behind the scars and bruises that mark my body. "So..." Tommy said as he finished the drink he had poured while we were talking.
"I think you should pour another," I warn him trying not to sound as scared as I feel. I know that when I decided to come back here that I decided to tell Tommy my story. I had settled on it and looking at him now I knew there was no way either of us were leaving his office until I had told it from beginning to end. I poured the rest of my glass of whisky down my throat and pushed it towards Tommy for him to pour me another. I tried to calm my breathing as Tommy sat back down and handed me my refilled glass.
"Clara you know as well as I do, that I will not be allowing you to leave this room until you have told me everything. I know your only just back and I don't want to scare you off but I promise you if you leave any details out..." he didn't finish. It was a half empty threat, Tommy would never do anything to hurt me but it I would still feel his anger.
"It's okay I promised myself on they way here that I would tell you." I tell him.

"They came in April 1918, you were at war with John and Arthur and I had been here with Polly and your mum had died not long before. They must have thought she was my mum too, it's the only explanation for them taking me but they did. For a few weeks they kept me in a church just outside Birmingham locked up in a tiny room, any chance I got I made a run for it. I think that's why they sent me so far away. I was put on a boat and taken to Derry, they drugged me so they could get me on and off the boat without a struggle. I was given to a family, they dad and the brother were still in France when I got there. The brother was younger than you but older than John," I shuddered as his name tasted like vile in my mouth.

"The first few months were pleasant enough, the mother was nice enough to me, she told me about how she had lost her daughter to Spanish flu and so was happy to have a girl in the house again. She taught me to knit and I helped her cook, I wanted to hate her but I couldn't, it wasn't her fault. Things changed after the war though. The minute I met the brother I feared him, I still remember how he hugged me as he came home from war and how my blood ran cold at his touch. I cried that night and for many nights after as I thought about you, John and Arthur coming home and the fact I wouldn't be there to see you. They left me alone for a week or two, I helped the mother cook and clean but other than that I was ignored as they reunited and told each other stories." I felt my throat getting dry as I look up to Tommy his face is expressionless. I swing the glass of whiskey as I try to summon the courage to carry on.

"After a while I began to notice the boy looking at me a lot, watching my every move. It creeped me out I'll admit but I didn't think much of it. He'd like find excuses to touch me, like, he would walk past too close to me or he would grab my hand when I was giving him something. I should have known something was up, but I was too naïve to see it coming. It happened at new year, he had gone out with the mother and father, they offered for me to come but I felt home sick. You can't believe the amount of times I look back and wish I had gone out that night. The brother came home early, I didn't expect anyone so I ran out my room in only my slip to see who it was. His words still haunt my dreams Tommy he had a little to drink but not so much that he was out of it. "Look at my angel waiting and ready for me," he said as walked up to me. I was so scared Tommy I was 13 I didn't know what he meant. He followed me until I was standing against the wall, he smiled at me, it was evil and he knew what he was doing. He put his hands on my waist and squeezed so tight that I was bruised the next morning. He kissed me forcefully biting my lip until I bled. He pulled back and slapped me hard, demanding that I kissed his back. I couldn't Tommy I was too scared I didn't know what to do, I watched the door hoping that you or John or Arthur would walk in and throw him off me." I wipe a tear from my eye and notice Tommy is holding onto his glass too tightly. He looks like he is going to say something but I interrupt, knowing that if he does, I'll never finish the story.

"He carried me upstairs, threw me on the bed and had his way with me. It seemed to go on for hours, I bled and bled and I honestly thought that I was going to die. He ripped me from the inside out leaving his mark anywhere he touched. The next morning, I clothed myself so I was covered from my neck to my feet, I washed my sheets I told the mother that I had taken my period. I was so ashamed Tommy, I thought it was my fault. It happened again nearly every night and for the first two weeks I bled and I would walk funny the next day. I spent every night staring at the door hoping he wouldn't come but he always did. And then about a year into it the father walked in on.... It., I hoped that he would throw the brother off me and save me but I was so wrong. He left and let the brother carry on. But the next day he caught me off guard while I was alone. He called me a dirty slut among other things and touched me. I wanted to kill myself right there, Tommy. I couldn't deal with the two of them. But it happened and that night it was the father that had his way with me and it was so much worse than I could have ever imagined. He bit and he slapped and I don't think I can say all the cruel horrible things that he did to me but you get the idea." I can't look at Tommy now, I am aware of the tears rolling down my face, if I look at Tommy, I won't be able to carry on.

"At first, I thought I was going to die for the beatings and the rape, and then I decided that if I didn't die by this date then I would do it myself. I kept making myself the promise that I would end the pain, but I never did. The only time I got close was when I stole some rope from the docks but I burned it before I even made a, fuck what do you call it? Fuck... The mother finding out about her husband's infidelity was hard, the only person who provided me any comfort turned against me and beat me regularly for stealing her husband from her. But I survived Tommy, they didn't kill me or the spirit inside of me, I kept the hope that one day I would be back here and I'm so glad I did. But I had to go through something even worse to get here Tommy. I stopped getting my period about 4 months ago. The mother found out and told the boys but there was no way of telling who the father was. They marched me into an alley way a few days later, the literally held me by an arm each and some man got rid of it, I think. For good measure they beat me black and blue when we got back, they said it was my fault, I couldn't walk for days after. They got careless though Tommy, they thought I couldn't walk and so they left the doors unlocked. I was gone as soon as I realised, I stole some money from them and the travelling took weeks but here I am."

I took a deep breath before a sob tore through me and I let it out, it was done. Tommy didn't say anything as he stood and behind me and pulled me off of the seat and back down again on his lap. I placed my head on his shoulder and I sobbed and Tommy held me and for the first time in 5 years I knew that I was safe. I knew Tommy would look after me now. He wiped a tear from my eye and put his hand gently under my chin so that my eyes met his. "I am so sorry," he whispered his voice cracking and his eyes glazed over. I look at him and almost don't recognise him, I have never seen my big brother cry. I nod, not trusting my voice to speak. "I will never let anyone ever hurt you ever again," he promises and honestly, I believe him. I know him well enough to know that I will be lucky to go to the loo unescorted for the rest of my life. I pull my head back to his chest and he rests his chin on top of it, "And God help those bastards once they realise, they have messed with the Peaky Blinders."