In Real Life ✓

29. I Am Confusion

"Remember when you guys thought Gilbert killed me?"

I was slumped down in my seat and doodling in my notebook instead of paying attention to our teacher, because that was honestly way too much to ask of me at the end of the day, and my friends were much the same. Tamara was practically on another planet. I was surprised the teacher hadn't called her out on using her phone during her class.

Leslie giggled in reply to my question and whispered, "Yeah, I'm happy he didn't. You're cute together."

"What about me and Darren?" Tamara asked, most likely chatting with said boy on the phone at that very moment.

"Eh. You two are pretty cute, but Eve and Gibbs... They're like..." Leslie held up the ok-sign and mouthed 'wow'.

"Pfft. You and Tony aren't even past the—"

She flapped her hands around before Tamara could finish her sentence and hissed, "There is no 'me and Tony'!"

"Sure."

I rolled my eyes. 'Leslie and Tony' was a work in progress for sure. I didn't even know if there would ever be any progress at all—it was that hopeless—and it was all Leslie's fault. I was pretty sure she liked him, because she would always get super flustered whenever we mentioned him, but she just wouldn't do anything other than talk to him on the phone. As far as I knew, they hadn't even talked about making plans after that group date. You'd almost think she was the asexual one with the way she was avoiding him.

"Why don't you wanna go out with him, Les?" I asked.

"I don't know, I'm just scared," she whispered.

"Of what?"

"I don't know."

I give up. If Leslie didn't even know herself, there wasn't much I could do to help her. Besides, there was only so much encouraging I could do. If she genuinely felt uncomfortable with the idea, she wasn't going to be convinced by anything I'd say.

Thankfully, our class was over soon and we all but ran out of the classroom. I spotted Gilbert and Tony on the other side of the hallway, but I refrained from saying anything about it to Leslie. Instead, I announced, "Christmas is like a week away."

"Are you nervous?" Tamara asked.

"Very. I've signed the contract, though, so at least that part is all done and over with."

"I'm gonna be the first one to buy your merch," Leslie whispered with a twinkle in her eyes.

"I'll send it to you for free, silly."

She clapped her hands excitedly and then abruptly stopped, looking at something behind me. I had a feeling that 'something' was Tony, because she lifted a hand and gave him a shy smile, before turning around. "Let's bake a cake."

"Why?" Tamara asked.

"Because I feel like it."

So we went home with Leslie and baked a cake.

Her mother came home right when we took it out of the oven, so she had to have a piece. She was the first to taste it and she said it was phenomenal. We put cream and chocolate on top and took the cake upstairs to Leslie's room, where we sat around her desk and ate so much we got bellyaches.

I kept waiting for a moment to ask Leslie about her issue with Tony, but there was no right moment, so I ended up saying it when a silence fell. "Leslie, I just can't help but wonder why you're so scared of spending time with Tony. Like, you enjoy talking with him, but you don't want to see him in real life. What's up with that?"

Tamara sucked on her fork and stared at Leslie without saying a single word, and Leslie sighed, before admitting, "I don't know. I think I just don't like him like that. I know I should, but I don't."

"What do you mean you should?" I asked.

"Well, he's perfect! He's sweet and thoughtful and he makes me laugh, but I'm just not... attracted to him, I guess."

"Oh."

"It's just... When I really think about it, I have never really felt attracted to anyone. Like I'll see a boy and think he's cute, but I can't... I don't know... I've never actually had a crush on anyone, you know? And the worse of it all, the idea of being with him—kissing him and all that—it kinda makes me uncomfortable. It doesn't make any sense! Do you ever feel that way?"

We were all quiet for a moment, but I eventually put my plate and fork down on her desk before I replied, "Well, if I'm being really honest, Leslie, it sounds like you're just not that... into guys."

Leslie didn't reply. She only sat there on her chair and fiddled with the bottom of her shirt, frowning at the floor.

"I'm not saying that you're... asexual like me, but what you're saying right now; it sounds a lot like what I feel like. It makes me uncomfortable, too. At least, being intimate with someone does."

"Yeah, I don't feel like that," Tamara said softly. "I never feel uncomfortable. Do you feel that way about girls too, Les?"

Leslie's head flew up and her eyes were wide with shock. "What? I'm— Well, I... I've never thought about that, to be honest."

"Okay, here's an idea," I said. "Just give it some thought. Maybe you're not attracted to boys, or maybe you don't catch feelings very easily, or maybe it's something else, but whatever it is, there's no need to jump to conclusions now. It's not like I figured it out in a day."

"How did you figure it out anyway?" Tamara asked. "You never told us about your sexual awakening. Your asexual awakening."

I chuckled and told her, "I just didn't see the appeal of having sex with anyone. I mean, I still don't, but I used to think it was just because I needed to fall in love with someone first, which is bullshit, of course. You don't need to be in love with someone to be sexually attracted to them. I never get, you know... aroused."

"Did you ever try watching porn?"

"Oh, yeah, it did absolutely nothing for me. It was like watching a boring, not to mention very badly acted, movie."

"Huh, interesting."

"Should I try watching lesbian porn?" Leslie asked.