Chasing Ghosts (under construction)

Nine

*Trigger warning for depression and suicide ideation*

Livvy stood by the edge of the water, small waves lapping over her ankles. Her white dress was blowing gently around her legs with the sea breeze. Kit stared. She looked sort of angelic, the way her aura glowed white around her, but Kit supposed that was just the side effect of being a ghost.

"What is she doing here?" Kit asked. Ty shrugged and began walking over to her, pulling Kit along with him. Kit felt the sand begin to infiltrate his very fancy shoes with each step, and each step annoyed him a little more. Once they reached the water, Livvy turned around and smiled at Ty. Kit kicked his shoes off and yanked his socks off, shaking the sand out, and doing everything he could to avoid looking at Livvy.

"Why are you here?" Ty asked. "Not that I'm not happy to see you."

Livvy laughed, and it sounded like a harp being plucked.

"When you tried to bring me back, you weren't able to complete the spell, so I'm not here physically like you wanted. I can come and go from the realms as I please, I think. I'm not too sure about the semantics of the whole ghost thing. Hello Kit," she said, as though she had only just noticed he was there. Kit waved awkwardly.

"Okay. What is it like? The other place?" Ty asked. Livvy smiled and reached out as if to touch his shoulder, dropping it again when she remembered she couldn't.

"I shouldn't tell you. Best to keep some things secret." She winked at him. Kit, off to the side, felt something strange and dark bubble within him that he couldn't seem to shake. He walked further into the shallows, kicking up water as he got deeper. He leant over and folded his trousers up.

"What are you doing?" Ty called out behind him. He turned to face them both. Ty looked speculative, whereas Livvy's face was a blank canvas. It chilled him to his core to see her standing there like she'd never left. Like she hadn't been murdered. Like her blood hadn't stained the floor of the Accords hall permanently. The dark feeling spread across him like a cloud eclipsing the sun.

"I'm going for a swim," he said, his voice hard. He removed his jacket and chucked it at Ty, who caught it against his chest.

"Really?" Livvy said inquisitively. "You're just going to strip and go for a dip in the freezing ocean? There's a wedding reception happening over there." She gestured to the beach, where everyone was eating and chatting and paying no attention to him/

Kit shrugged and began unbuttoning his shirt.

"No weirder than the ghost of my dead friend popping up whenever she feels like it."

"Kit! You're going insane, Ty said. Kit threw his hands up in the air, aware of how sudden his unusual behaviour was, but he didn't have it in him to care. He already felt like he was drowning every time he looked at Ty, why not make it a reality?

"Maybe so, Tiberius," he grinned at Ty, but there was no joy behind it. "But I'm sure it's an alluring attribute." And with that, he fell back into the water. The cold water hit his back like concrete, and he submerged fully instantly. He was vaguely aware of his name being called, but under the water, there was nothing but the cold silence. Livvy wasn't here with him under the water. His faerie blood, his mysterious magic, the bounty on his head, none of that existed in the murky depths of the sea. Here, he could finally feel peace. He squeezed his eyes shut against the sting of salt and ignored the prickling in his lungs. Even with Ty, even knowing he reciprocated some of his feelings, Kit couldn't get rid of the feeling that he was still alone. That no one truly cared, that he would amount to nothing. That he would die, and no one would mourn. He dragged it around with him day in and day out like a ball and chain, the persistent voice in the back of his head telling him that Ty was just appeasing him, that Kit could never fill the hole that Livvy left; that the Blackthorns merely tolerated his living in the Institute. Kit had just started getting rid of the voice before Livvy died. He had just started to feel like he was somewhere he could finally belong. After that, it had returned bigger, louder, pinning the blame on him, telling him he'd done something wrong that had led to all these horrible events happening. Kit knew he was the source of his own depression, but the sad, intrusive part of the brain seemed to override the rational part. At that moment, he wanted to drown; the dark part of his brain screamed, 'yes, yes, what a good idea! Do it, no one will miss you, you do nothing but bother them.' The logical part was becoming quieter, barely a whisper in the back of his mind: 'Don't be ridiculous. You're part of the family now. Ty can't lose another friend, especially one he's kissed.'

Kit opened his eyes, acutely aware of the way his lungs burned. His mind had run away from him, so much so that he had forgotten why he was under the water in the first place. Was he trying to drown? Surely there are better ways to go than lying three feet deep in the sea. Wasn't he at a wedding?

He saw a grey shadow flicker hazily above him, and then two hands plunged into the water, grabbing him and hauling him back to the surface. He coughed, heaving rough, heavy breaths, rubbing his eyes with his knuckles. Someone thumped him hard on the back, making him splutter, choking on the oxygen he was trying to take in.

"By the Angel, what are you doing?" Ty's voice rang out angrily. Kit blinked a few times, his vision still blurred by the salt water.

"Wanted a swim," Kit croaked. He rubbed his eyes again and came face to face with Ty, who was crouched in the water, his clothes soaked. He glared at Kit, angry and concerned. Livvy was gone. Kit was cold all over, the water seeped into every part of himself. He shivered uncontrollably, and Ty sighed and draped Kit's jacket back over his shoulders.

"Why did you do that?" Ty asked, sounding defeated. Kit felt the sting of tears behind his eyes.

"I d-don't know. I just felt... dark. And with Livvy there, I just freaked. All these emotions came rushing to me, telling me it's my fault she died, and... other things," Kit admitted, wanting to be as truthful, even though he was still uncertain of his actions.

"It wasn't your fault," Ty said, looking pitiful. Kit didn't think it would be Ty reassuring Kit of that and not the other way around. "You didn't know. But what other stuff? What else brought this on?"

"I don't know. I guess I get these... thoughts. It's like this part of my mind that I'm supposed to keep under lock and key, it... talks to me," Kit cringed, aware he sounded fucking insane. Shadowhunters weren't the most knowledgeable on mental health. They didn't even know Ty was autistic, he couldn't imagine any of them could understand Kit's mind without having him sent to the silent brothers. But Ty didn't look freaked out, or disturbed. His face was kind, and open, beckoning him to continue.

"I've always had them, this voice in my head telling me I'm worthless, alone, nothing to no one. I suppose it stems from my father. Johnny Rook was never the most loving dad. But since I'd met you...they'd sort of dulled down."

"Because you stopped listening," Ty said.

"I was preoccupied, I guess. With being a badass Shadowhunter. Byt having adventures with you and Livvy. But now, at night, when it's dark and I'm on my own, they speak. Tell me all sorts of things. And I don't know what to do. Sometimes they say the most rational-sounding things when I'm upset," Kit looked at Ty frantically, panic surging through his chest. "What happens if I listen to them one day? What if I just give in?"

Ty grabbed Kit's shoulders and pulled his face closer to his.

"You won't. Whatever your mind is telling you to do, or not do, or whatever, you push it to the side and you find me. Talk to me. I will not lose you to the darkness of your mind," Ty sounded furious like the very idea of Kit hurting himself intentionally was so upsetting to him. Kit stared, not sure what to say. No one had fought for his life like this before. Once, when he had tried to speak to his father about it, his feelings were tossed to the side like a rag-doll. It was why Kit had built up iron-clad walls around himself. He tossed everything behind it and replaced it with humour. But, looking at Ty, he knew for certain that he had at least one person willing to fight for him. Ty pulled him into a tight hug, soaking his clothes even more. Kit fought to hold back tears.

"Come on, you must be freezing. We'll go back to the Institute. You need to shower and get in something dry." Ty pulled Kit out of the water easily, and they walked back onto the beach, Kit's arm wrapped around Ty's waist for support.