You're beautiful to me (Frerard)

chapter six: things are better if i stay

Title: Helena - MCR
Gerard's p.o.v.

I leave the room and Let Frank get ready to go home. I sit in the plastic chair and feel my leg shake again. I'd just told so much to frank. I ran my hands over my face and look down at the floor, holding my forehead in my hands. I let out a laugh at how surreal the situation was. But I don't care. I really like frank. I really really like him. And I think he likes me? I can't help but smile at the thought. Maybe things really would get better.

"Come on then." Franks says, walking to the door of the room and looking at me. The smile hadn't left my face and I didn't plan on letting it anytime soon. I looked up at him and beamed at him, he beamed right back at me. I stood up and walked over to him. Before I can stop myself I wrap him in a hug.

"I'm so glad you're okay." I whisper in his ear.

He murmurs in agreement, his face buried in my chest. I slowly pull away and look over him. He still looks ill, darker rings adding to his look. He was wearing his own clothes, a band t-shirt and a long sleeve underneath. There were bumps where the bandages are but you had to be looking for them to see them. We walked out of the hospital after franks mum did some paperwork. I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and look at it.

Mikey: Hey Gerard, mum wants you home.

Mum wants me home? That's odd, she doesn't normally care when I'm out. Or notice.

Gerard: I'll be back soon.

I walk with frank over to the car, talking about nothing Important. I'd been getting lifts from his mum as I live across the street. Extremely convenient. He gets into the car and his mum drives us to his house. Our conversation has died out and frank is staring out the window. I know he has apprehensions about going home and I get that. All his dark thoughts and bad dreams, in that house. I can see why he wouldn't want to go back. We pull into the drive and we get out. Frank looks incredibly nervous and I walk to him.

"You got this. If you ever need anything you know where I live." I say to him, I've nearly finished my sentence when he throws his arms around me.

"Thank you." He murmurs, I close my eyes and savour the moment. He reluctantly pulls away and enters the house, giving me a small wave before entering the house. I hope he's okay. I turn and cross the road to my own house. It was Sunday now, late aswell, around seven. We have school tomorrow but I doubt frank will go. I sigh and open the door to find Mikey sitting nervously in the living room.

"What's going on?" I ask him, sitting next to him.

"I don't now, mum wouldn't tell me until you got here. I don't think it's good though. She's in a bit of a state." Mikey says, biting his nails. I look over and see my mum with a bottle of vodka in her hand. Her eyes were puffy and red and she was barely conscious. I walk over to her and gently ease the bottle from her hands. She stirs and looks me in the eyes.

"What's going on mum?" I ask, sitting next to a Mikey again. He was a few years younger than me and I don't like the thought of him having to deal with her all this time, alone.

"She's gone. Your grandma... she died last night." She says, her voice barley audible due to the slurs.

No. No no no you can't be serious. You can't. She can't be dead. She's... she's my granny, and she's gone. I feel Mikey crying next to me but I can't do anything. Im numb. She's always been there for us. When my mum was at her worse our gran took us in. Looked after us. She had practically raised us... and she was gone.

"How?" I ask, my voice harsher then I expected.

"Cancer."

Cancer. I knew she was ill but I didn't know it was this bad. I didn't know she was going to die so soon. I'm not ready for her to go. I still need her. I'm broken from my thoughts as Mikey's sobs get louder. I wrap my arms around him and he slowly falls to the floor, sobbing into me. Slowly I start to join him crying my eyes out. Eventually my mum comes as well, all of us sitting on the floor, leaning on each other for support, endlessly sobbing. I don't know how I can move on from this.

Franks p.o.v

I enter the house and take a breath. This will be fine.

"Okay honey, if you need anything just let me know. I love you." My mum says, throwing her arms around me. I hug her back and take in her smell. Smells like home. I pull away and walk up the stairs to my room. I gingerly open the door to my room. Nothing changed. My clothes were still scattered on the floor, my books on the floor from when I had emptied my bag. My calendar read sunday the 27th of January. It was earily quite so I put a record on. The first one I could see. Music fills my room and I feel less alone. I go to my bed and relish in the comfort of my own mattress. I don't know how long I stare at the ceiling but it only feels like ten minutes when my mum yells me down for food. I check my watch, it reads 8:00. Late for dinner. I drag myself out of bed and thud down the stairs. The smell of food hits me like a tone of bricks and I immediately want to throw up. I'm brought back to my binge earlier that week. Disgusting. I walk into the kitchen and am met by my mum smiling at me and holding a plate of food at me.

"Spaghetti. Your favourite." She grins, putting it down in front of me. I stare at it and I can feel my stomach turn. I can't eat this, I can't do it. I see my mum looking at me expectantly and I grab the fork. She turns away, focusing on her own food as I cut up the spaghetti, the more I play with my food the less she'll worry. I hold the cutlery close to my face before swallowing and then I'm back to moving the food around my plate. After a couple minutes I start to hide the food under my cutlery. I just need to get past her and then I can bin it. When I'm sure she isn't looking I stand up and walk to the bin.

"Thank you mum, that was great." I say, binning the food and covering it with a napkin.

She looks up at me and smiles, "I'm glad you liked it." Meaning 'I'm glad you ate it.' I nod at her and put my dish in the sink. I kiss her on the cheek and begin to walk up the stairs.

"Frank." She say, there's something in her voice that made me stop immediately.

"Yeah?" I ask, trying to control my breathing.

"You binned it." Fuck "I thought you were past this!! I thought that you were getting better?! What happened?!?" She yelled, getting angrier with every word.

"I'm... I'm sorry mum... I just... I just..." I stutter, tears flowing from my eyes. Mum never yelled, and all I could think about was him.

"For fucks sake frank! I deal with your eating disorder! I deal with the suicide and self harm! Come on frank! You've got to give me something!" She yells, walking up to me. She looks so angry and in that moment she's not my mum. She him, she's him.

"You're pathetic frank! You disgust me! You deserve this!"

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry. I cant help it I'm sorry." I cry, sinking to the floor.

She sighs and sit in front of me. "Go to your room frank." She says, looking at the floor.

I nod and run as fast as I can. I burst Into my room and run to where I know the blade will be. It was too real. She embodied him. I hate myself. I hate that I can't even handle eating. That I can't take a small telling off without breaking down. So pathetic. I push the blade into my skin on my thighs. My brain stops for a minute as relief washes over me. I clean the wounds and collapse onto my bed. I feel so alone. As soon as Gerard leaves me I break. Gerard.

I reach for my phone and text him.

Frank: are you up?

After a few minutes I get a reply

Gerard: yes.

Frank: can you come over?

There was a pause before he replied

Gerard: I'll be there soon.

Frank: come through my window.

He was on his way. I could feel myself relax as soon as I knew he was coming. I hear a rustling at my window as it opens. I see Gerard enter my room and I'm shocked at his appearance. His eyes were red and raw and struck with grief.

"Gerard what happened???" I gasp, running to him and bringing him to my bed to sit down.

"... my... my grandma died. Fuck. Fuck I'm sorry I shouldn't have come all I'm going to do is cry, I'll be no help I'm sorry." He says standing up to leave.

"No no wait. Please stay with me. It's okay." I say grabbing his hand and holding him still

"We can look after each other."