You're beautiful to me (Frerard)

chapter eleven : it was always you

Title: Always - P!atd

Franks p.o.v

The suns setting in the sky and I know it's getting late. I don't care. I like the darkness. I don't understand why people are always so scared of it. Locking their doors when it comes. It comforts me. Don't ask me why, I just like the way it makes things quite... I think? I don't really know what's going on in my head right now. I could hate the darkness. I don't remember. I don't care.

I feel my leg bouncing and know I'm getting restless. So I push the button and descend the stairs to the bus doors. As I do I look over everyone on the bus. One old lady, wrinkles adorned her face but didn't weigh her down. Her eyes still shone and in the moment I wish I'd know her as a child. She was probably stunning. She looked well lived and I feel a pang of jealousy burst through my chest. She would have never felt as damaged as I do now. My eyes wander to the back were a man is sitting, his shoulders hunched, guarding his body. He look no older then 30 but compared to the woman, looked a lot more worn. You can tell just by looking at him this man needs up hug, but is the type that if you offered it would laugh in your face. This man never had enough love. He looks up and meets my eyes. I offer him a smile, hoping that the small gesture would bring him a little happiness. If I couldn't be happy, I could at least try to make other people happy. He looks confused but eventually I see his brows unfurrow and he smiles back. Good.

I thank the driver and jump off the bus. The cold air hits me like a tone of bricks and I can feel my cheeks flushing. A true smile grows on my face and I start to run, I don't know where I am and I don't know where I'm going but I'm running and in that moment of pure ecstasy that is all that seems to matter. My thoughts are lagging behind me as I sore down the empty streets hollering and yelling as I please. My arms are outstretched at my side like a plane, and even with the wind beating down against me I run forward. I don't know why i needed this but I do. I've felt so numb for so long and this just feels... different.

I carry on but start to slow down as I reach a gap in the trees. I walk forward and push past the branches and leaves. I find myself standing, looking over the whole town. I gasp at the beauty of seeing the city I've lived in for so long at a different angle. A higher angle.

Stunning. Something I'll never be.

I laugh at that thought. I don't know but it makes me laugh. A full hearty laugh. I haven't felt like laughing like this since... well since Gerard. That boy. His bright red hair framing his chiselled facial features is what got me through the day. But I shouldn't put that much pressure on a person. I don't want to keep coming to him with all my problems. It's not his job to look after me. I may not have had many friends but I know that's not how they work. If you've got problems you either get a therapist or kill yourself. That's how you deal with it. Currently my therapist option wasn't working too great as I'm having a sort of manic breakdown on a cliff.

But Gerard.

I think back to when he was in the hospital with me. How he would wait outside until he knew it was okay for him to come in. The way he looks down through his hair at me when he laughed. The way his skin felt against my hand. The way he knew exactly when I wanted to talk and respected me when he knew I didn't. The way just thinking about him makes my heart beat increase. What I would do to have him. For him to be mine and for me to be able to hold him when he cries, like I did only a couple days go. But I can't. I can't have him because I'm weak and I'm disgusting and fat and I'm annoying and I'm worthless. I make everything worse and... and I shouldn't be alive.

"Fuck you." I whisper, my eyes drifting up the sky.

"You know what. Fuck you! What have you done but make my life miserable? Do you get off on making kids suicidal. Do you find joy in making kids gay so that they get bullied relentlessly and made to feel like they don't fit in because of your fucking book?!" My voice bellows into the air. I'm so angry and I need to blame someone

"Do you know what it's like? What it's like to live like I do? To wake up everyday and have to fight the urge to eat. The urge to slit my wrists and bleed out before I get beaten at school? To fight the urge to kiss that fucking beautiful boy because it's not right and it's not holy and I don't deserve it. DO YOU KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE?!?" I scream, sobbing now before falling into my knees.

"I do."

I whip my head towards the sound and see Gerard standing there. He looked so pretty. He was so pretty I couldn't help but stare at him, trying desperately to memorise all his features. He's face is covered in an emotion I can't quite pinpoint but i can see a mix of worry and sadness behind his eyes. They still shone so bright, the light of the street lamp shining off of them. He was so beautiful.

I don't know when I stood but my legs carry me forward towards Gerard. The distance between us is short and once I've covered it I reach up grabbing his face in my hands. I crash my lips onto his and feel him immediately react, returning the pressure. I have never felt such bliss consume me as I move my lips against his. The kiss is aggressive and passionate and I can taste the sweat on his mouth. I don't care. I don't care. But I care so much. I've never cared more. His hands are wrapped around my waist and mine are tangled in his hair. This was perfection.

I pull away from him taking a step back and opening my eyes. I watch him carefully as he opens his eyes, waiting for his response. He looks at me with shock and lust playing on his features. He lifts a finger up to his mouth and rubs his lips with his thumb, as if to check they were still there. The corners start to turn up into a smile and I can feel mine doing the same.

"You dont know how many times I've thought about doing that." He says, breaking the silence.

My smile widens. I feel like I'm floating on air and nothing could bring me down. I had just kissed the only person on the earth that made me feel alive. I don't know where the courage to do that came from but im glad I had it in me.

"Me too." I reply, panting slightly from the heat of the kiss. Gerard steps forward so we're close again. He lifts his hands to cup my face, running his fingers along my jaw. I gasp at his touch and can feel my limbs turn to jelly under his stare. He had me.

"Frank...I know you're struggling and I know that I can't fix you. I don't want to fix you because I think you're perfect. But I can be there for you. To help with anything you'll let me. I know there are things you havent told me, I'm the same. But what I do know is that you are a beautiful person, inside and out. I'm obsessed with the way you look at me and everytime you walk into the room I feel like I can't breath, but in the best type of way. I love your mind, even the bad bits and when those bad bits become good bits I'll love them just as much. I love your arms and I would love them just as much if they were clean from your scars. I hate that you have to go through what you do but I'll always be here even if you don't want me to be." He says, moving his hands into mine as he talks. He laces our fingers and I bring our hands to my lips as he finishes talking. I don't deserve this amazing man standing in front of me. I can tell he's nervous as he stares at his feet but he has no reason to be. I lift his head with a finger so his eyes meet mine.

"You will never know how much that means to me. How much you mean to me." I reply,  smiling softly at him.
"I'm not blind to the fact that your brain needs the same love mine does. And Gerard I would be blessed if you would allow me to be the one to provide that for you. I've been waiting to do that since I first met you. You make me feel alive again. I know it won't be easy but I want to open up to you. And maybe you can do the same for me. And I promise you that I'll always be there when you need someone to hold you at three in the morning or If you need to rant or just sit in silence. I'll be there for you." I say, meaning every word, "Fuck you're so pretty." I whisper, letting my eyes linger on his lips. He sees this and smirks. He leans down and I lift my head to meet his.

This kiss is different. It says a million things that neither of us could properly phrase. It's exactly what we need and it's just as loving and vulnerable as the words we just said to each other. He was perfect and I would do anything for him. His body felt so good against mine and I can't help but run my hands over his chest. I can feel him grinning into the kiss and I love the way it feels. I'm smiling too and we pull apart to look at each other.

"We can look after each other." He grins as me, holing my hands tightly in his.