Kelepto I.g

19:

Opening my eyes , I was blinded by bright lights, my first thought was I'm in heaven, but then I remembered that hell is the only place I'd go.

My eyes adjusted to the light and I looked down, my arm had an IV in it, my finger had some sort of clip and I was in a gown instead of my normal clothes.
"The fuck?" I mumbled, seeing my other arm bruised with a needle prick in it, having almost no memory of what happened in this moment.

"Good! You're awake" an overly cheerful nurse spoke as she took my vitals
"What happened?" I groggily asked
"Let me get the doctor" she spoke seemingly ignoring my question making me sigh

A tall woman walked into the room carrying a clipboard, reading over it before looking up at me.
"Hello, I'm dr.Jening" she smiled and I looked back at her confused
"What happened?"
"Well you were brought in last night unconscious, your labs came back with cocaine,heroin, and OxyContin in your blood, along with a high amount of alcohol. You were treated for alcohol poisoning and an overdose" she replied sitting on a rolling stool
"I don't remember any of that?" I rubbed my eyes and she nodded
"I'd imagine so, you were heavily intoxicated, you and your baby are lucky to be alive."

Hold on. WHAT? I stared at her hard, trying to process what was going on, and what she just said
"Baby?" I looked at her obviously very confused
"I take it you weren't aware of your pregnancy?" She looked at me sadly, seeing the carnage that was my life
"I'm not pregnant you've made a mistake" I shook my head
"Nope, no mistake, about 11-12 weeks along actually, I'm surprised you didn't know" she read over my file again as she talked
"I...There's no way.." I wracked my brain trying to figure out how this could of happened. Ian always pulled out. Alex used a condom and I took plan b.

Holy shit. The first time Ian and me had sex we didn't use protection. I didn't even think about it! How could I have been so careless?!

"We ran some tests, your baby is going to be fine, that's a miracle. But you have low vitamin levels and are at risk for anemia. Are you eating enough?" I could barely process what she was saying, everything was too much for me.
"I'm gonna prescribe you supplements and refer you to an obgyn" she continued as I mumbled out replies. I felt completely sick. My entire world was being rocked right now.

"We need to run a few more tests, and hopefully you will be out of here by this afternoon." She nodded and I gave her a blank stare back.

What the fuck was I supposed to do now? Where do I go from here? What the fuck? How could I be so careless? I don't know what to do? I can't tell anyone, god it's like I'm boxed in. Ethan was right, I will end up pregnant and alone, I should have listened to him, I should have never taken Ian back, I should have never tried to venture out into a new lifestyle. I'm not only hurting myself, but everyone around me. I wanted to scream and throw shit and cry, I wanted to get high and forget this. I want to jump off a fucking bridge, I can't fucking do this.

I will have no friends, no family, I will be completely alone and it's all my fault.

•••

Walking out of the emergency room I couldn't help but wish I had just died last night. I wish that whoever called 911, didn't. They should have let me die. It's better than what's happening right now.

It was odd how they let me go with no parent or anything, but this is the south side, no one gives a shit.

I held my jacket a little tighter around myself as I walked the streets of Chicago. Apparently my brothers were contacted but couldn't be there for whatever reason, and I'm guessing Carl split at some point that evening, which I honestly couldn't blame him. I want to get as far away from myself as I can too.