Saving Grace

Chapter 5

I looked out at the bright city, New York City, it was beautiful, the epitome of perfection according to me. New York was a hive of activity with everyone seeming to be busy with something and looking important. I'd always dreamed of visiting New York and exploring the city while having the time of my life. I'd explored New York with my friends but somehow it didn't feel like I dreamt it would. It felt different and it lacked somehow...

"You wanna know why I loathe you so much? You gave up when I needed you most! When it mattered you didn't fight! I blame you for where I am and how I turned out because you gave up! Why did you give up on me mom?" I yelled at my mom while pacing up and down trying to hiding my tears.

"You think I gave up on you because I wanted to? I had high hopes for you. You were always special Grace, you had dreams no one ever thought of having. You thrived and aspired even when circumstances didn't support you. You were passionate about what you loved and suddenly one morning you woke up in love with a boy. You became different and you allowed him to take control over you.

I tried to warn you not to go there but you didn't listen did you? I was the stupid one. Imagine having your own child, a child you nursed and provided for suddenly announce she's making a huge commitment that you know holds obstacles too hard for her to conquer? It broke my heart seeing the child I cried with at night when she just wouldn't stop crying and I'd have no idea what else I could do. What hurt the most was you blame me for all this.

You blame me for not fighting for you, I tried fighting but love got in the way. I know you need someone to blame but you can't keep blaming me when it's really you that you should blame... wake up and fight your own battles, you're an adult now. You need to learn to go back and pick up the pieces you lose as you go through this journey of life."

We all have dreams and aspirations. We want to be different people who do different things as we grow but as life gets in the way we lose sight of what we really want. I once asked my mom what the worst thing you can do to a person is and she replied telling me you love them. Being the kid I was I looked up at her confused and she laughed before telling me she was joking but there was something about the way she looked at me when she laughed that told me she was lying.

With love, you trap its recipient like a fly in a spider web. You don't allow it to be free and to fly to wherever it wants to go. The more it tries to fly away the more it's entangled making it impossible to ever leave. I remember once when I was young I dreamt of being a star, the center of attention. I was confident and substantial. I was beautiful but I fell in love and it all changed.

I put myself after the recipient of my love. My dreams suddenly didn't matter anymore. Suddenly I put my life on hold and lived another person's dream, a person who claimed to be in love with me. Like a fly I was stuck in a web, whenever we fought I would try to leave entangling me even more. At first I thought the entangling was me falling deeper in love yet I didn't know it was me losing a part of myself.

For some time I put myself aside and put my 'love' first, I forget I needed to do me for a bit. My whole life went on standstill and I began to live for one person celebrating and enjoying their victories. What about my victories? I had none because I chose to live someone else's dream. I chose to not tell my own story but be a part of someone else's story.

The truth of my life feels like a knife to my heart, a stab in the back. When I finally admitted that truth to myself, I found someone to blame for it because I couldn't handle blaming me. The reason I was such a failure, I blamed it on my mom for not pushing but now that I realize it, she couldn't have done much.

I was the master of my fate and I wasn't a very good master. Instead I made crappy decisions that I haven't revived yet. Blaming my mother made me feel like I was a victim. I was a victim to her being a bad mother, for not being a fighter. Finding a victim to blame made me feel pity on myself but that doesn't do much to redeem you does it?

My mother made me realize I'm the one to blame for what I did and it's time I grow up and take responsibility for what I did. It's time I go back and continue from where I left off. In my heart I always knew my dreams were meant to come true and they are going to come true because I'm better than I was, wiser even. This time I'll do it step by step without blaming anyone for being like a moth drawn to a flame, for falling in love and letting love become me.

Shaking my head I came back to earth before dialing a number on my phone and it was quickly answered making me heave a sigh of relief.

"Hey Delton, it's me Grace Black?" I said and he seemed confused until I added the Marcel.

"Listen I need an audition for a movie, I want to start living my dream," I told him and I could imagine him smiling at the end of the call.

"You got it," he replied and I thanked him before hanging up and staring at the city.

I was born to stand out and I knew my New York experience was lacking because I was trying to blend in. Deep down I always knew I was special and now I was going to show the world who Grace Black really was. 

Pleeeaasse 

Vote 

Vote 

Vote annddd 

Comment