Blue Rose Petals (Shizaya)

Unbearable Voice

"Izaya please stop lying...Have you been...cutting yourself?"

Izaya finally looked up, eyes filled with panic. He couldn't think straight anymore. His mind was racing as he tried to find a solution, a way out of this situation, but there was none. After an impossibly long silence, he whispered: "So what if I was?" The blonde male stood up and walked over, sitting beside him. "Why?" "Aww~ So Shizu-chan cares after all?", he tried to change the topic, yet failed to trick the blond this time. "I asked you something flea!" "S-stop asking stupid questions and get out of my house!", the raven spat back and walked away, but was grabbed by his injured arm, the action making him wince in pain. "S-sorry.", Shizuo apologized, letting go of Izaya's arm. "What do you want from me? If you don't know where the exit is, I will gladly show it to you." "Izaya..." The raven turned around facing the blond. "Since when are you calling me by my name, huh? I thought I was just a filthy flea!?" A sigh escaped the blond's lips and he took Izaya's hand gently. "I just want to help, okay?", he said as calmly as he could, trying not to get too mad at him. It was the first time he saw the flea getting so angry and was certain that with a little push the stubborn male would open up, which didn't happen. The raven slapped his hand away and rolled his eyes, not believing a single word Shizuo said. "Very funny. We're enemies, remember? You hate me and I hate you as well. Why would you suddenly want to help me after you beat me up until I lost consciousness yesterday?" That's when Shizuo finally snapped. He was trying to be nice to him for once and that ungrateful flea shouted at him in return!

He grabbed the raven by his neck, holding him up in the air. "You brat! You want me to hate you or what? In that case I'll show you that yesterday was just a foreplay." Izaya gasped for air desperately, feeling Shizuo's grip tightening with every terrifying word he said. "S..sto-", he attempted to tell him while his feet were swinging in the air, trying to find the ground beneath him. After some struggling Izaya gave in and already accepted his upcoming death, not wanting to live on anyways. Shizuo would just help him so he wouldn't have to do it himself. He closed his eyes after taking one last glance at his beloved Shizu-chan, letting the tears flow down his cheeks. Shizuo was not far away from snapping the raven's neck in two, but stopped when seeing Izaya's eyes fill up with tears of agony and hearing his heart beating weakly in his chest. "Damn it.", he hissed, hating how bad and guilty he felt about hurting Izaya, but decided to completely ignore that feeling. The raven dropped on the floor, coughing heavily. "Why *cough* d-did you let *gasp* go?", he chocked out, a bit disappointed - he was so close from leaving this awful, painful world. "Hell you mean by that? I'm not a murderer, you know?" Izaya recovered and chuckled at his answer. "Oh really? I thought you wanted to kill me~ What, is Ikebukuro's monster trying to act human-like?" "Shut your filthy mouth flea!" "Oh, back with the flea nickname I see." "You really want me to kill you, don't you?", he growled, trying to keep it cool and not repeat his murder attempt. Izaya, of course, noticed the murderous look in Shizuo's eyes and decided to push him to his limits and get him to kill him somehow. "You don't have the guts to kill me Shizu-chan~ No one can kill the great Orihara Izaya!" What did you just say?!", he shouted, taking Izaya like a little kitten and throwing him into the wall. "You know what?! I'm outta here! You can rot here in your house for all I care! Cut yourself, you can even fucking kill yourself and I won't give a damn!" Izaya was forced to listen to Shizuo's hurtful words that pierced his heart. He didn't look up from the ground until he heard the door closing behind the blond. Izaya stood up and dragged himself upstairs to his bed, collapsing on it. "Shizu-...chan.", he mumbled through tears, that made his pillow wet and fell asleep exhausted.

*3 months later*

It was an ordinary day. It was raining and people had tired and sad looks on their faces. It was a long day for everyone and this weather didn't make it any better. Shizuo was walking down the street with Tom, smoking one his favorite cigarettes, drowning in his own thoughts. "So, why are we in Shinjuku?" Tom sighted at Shizuo's pissed look and answered his question calmly: "A man named Akamine Haru borrowed a pretty big amount of money to buy a diamond colier for his new girlfriend to impress her and she obviously dumped him after she got what she wanted. So now he doesn't want to pay back his debt as expected. We did give him enough time, but he didn't even pay back a cent yet. And because Akamine Haru lives in Shinjuku we are here now." Shizuo made a "Tch" sound, taking a long drag in on his cigarette. "What an idiot!"

He looked around as if searching for a certain black head and a fur coat. 'I just hope that the flea won't show up.' "Man, this weather is already pissing me off." Tom gave his friend a quick tap on the shoulder. "We're here."

*Meanwhile at Izaya's place*

His eyes shot open with panic, he couldn't breathe, he was choking and coughing up blood. He tasted the metallic liquid in his throat and no matter how hard he tried to gasp for air it wasn't enough, he needed more oxygen. Tears left his eyes as he attempted to calm down. Izaya dug his nail deep into his already scarred arm in agony. He fought against the immense burning pain in his chest as anxiety took over. After a few minutes he managed to recover, but every last bit of energy he had was gone and he couldn't move an inch. Even breathing or keeping his eyes open was too hard.

And like that he passed out and opened his eyes a few hours later the sound of the rain hitting the window waking him up. Rain...it was Izaya's favorite weather. The smell of rain was magnificent and the sound of the raindrops that hit the surface of the earth were calming as well as the feeling of them hitting his face and body. It was as if he wasn't crying alone anymore - the sky was letting out it's tears as well. He dazed off as he looked through the window.

But then his phone rang loudly. "Hi, Shin-", he answered the call wanting to greet his friend on the other line, but was interrupted. "Izaya why did you send Celty on such a dangerous mission?! She almost got kidnapped because of you! You really only think about yourself Izaya! And then you wonder why you're alone!", Shinra shouted in blind rage Celty trying to calm him down without success. Izaya listened to his words quietly a tear sliding down his cheek as he was shouted at by his only friend. "Why am I even still friends with you!?", the underground doctor yelled, but regretted his words immediately. "...Izaya I didn't mea-" Izaya was already completely in tears holding a hand over his mouth to hold back his sobs. "I'm sorry.", he choked out hanging up. Even the only friend he ever had hated him. Even if he said that he didn't, there's always a bit of truth in every 'I didn't mean it like that'.

'Get outside it'll make you feel better.', the voice in his head convinced him. 'It's a perfect opportunity to finally do it, don't waste it.', it continued to make itself at home inside his head. "Maybe I should take a walk..." So he walked out of his comfort zone where he would lock himself up for months and got into the rainy, clouded outside world. Everyone looked grumpy and wanted to get home as soon as possible cursing the bad weather. Izaya looked at his beloved humans not relating to their hate towards today's rain. It was a warm little rain, nothing too bad so why were they all so upset? Only a few children enjoyed it, but none of the adults did. Humans often didn't like to see things from different perspectives and judged way too many things not letting anyone's opinion matter. Adults usually tend to be way too serious sometimes.

Izaya made his way down the street of Shinjuku into the opposite direction of Ikebukuro to avoid seeing the much-hated brute. His hood was over his head so nobody would see his teary eyes. Red eyes like of a demon, a monster. He saw himself as nothing more than a burden even to his friend Shinra. 'Burden, you're a burden, a demon. There's no one who cares about you. Go on, end it. End it forever.', the voice almost yelled in his head as Izaya did his best to ignore it. "No...I have to stay...strong." 'Strong? Look at yourself, you're pathetic. Why even live? What's the meaning behind it? There's no purpose for you here. You're just destroying everything around you." Izaya pulled at his hair as if to shut the voice and turned into an alley where he sat down in a dark corner to get himself together. He didn't care that the ground was all dirty and wet, he didn't even notice. His breath quickened and his old friend anxiety returned. 'Alone, you're alone, no one cares, everyone hates you." "Shut up! L-let me be!", Izaya shouted in panic. 'Demon, monster, worthless.' Izaya took out his blade with shaky hands staring at it in fear. "Don't, don't do it Izaya." But he couldn't stop himself. He slashed the blade across his arm the voice inside his head getting quieter and quieter with every new cut. He took a deep, shaky breath feeling the burning pain from the wounds as the voice disappeared and was replaced with a blood-covered arm. He looked down on the wounds in disappointment hating himself for yet again doing that. Izaya did give up on trying to stop cutting himself, but still every time he would desire to resist breaking down and hating himself even more in the end. "How pathetic.", he laughed at himself and at how weak he became. So ironic - the one who plays with other's minds, who controls other people's actions can't handle his own mind and can't control his own actions.