Blue Rose Petals (Shizaya)

This Wasn't Love After All

A room filled with broken objects like a table, chair, vase and so on with a man with blonde hair and a cigarette in his mouth, sitting in that room. He wasn't on a sofa or chair, but on the ground, deeply trapped in memories that were more than simply hurtful to him. Memories of the day a certain raven-haired man crashed his heart. And even though he was usually the one to break things easily, this time something belonging to him was broken. Broken by little, fragile hands of the man he trusted enough to give his love to. The moment he gave his heart into those hands, he made a very big mistake. All he ever wanted was to have someone who wouldn't be afraid of him and who he could love and who'd love him back. Was that too much to ask? He desired a peaceful life, a family and a perfect lover. Just when he found the one he was ready to spend his entire life with, everything crashed in front of his eyes. He was tormented by guilt and rage fighting each other. Was it his fault? Was it Izaya's? He truly couldn't comprehend what went wrong. Was it that he still wasn't able to understand the full depth of Izaya's thought-process? Maybe he missed something important? Shizuo didn't know what to do or what to think anymore. All of this was way too much for him and he desired to go back to how it was before, to his regular life. Not having to worry about his choice of words around the flea, about his actions and...maybe not even worrying about the flea in general. But was it right to think that way? Would it be fair to just go back to how things used to be and forgetting about all the reasons he decided to help him, to stay, about everything they've been through together already and even about the feelings he developed for him? He didn't want to forget all the wonderful things there were about Izaya. He was a way better person than he could have ever imagined him to be. And he was so lonely and misunderstood. Yet, if he was so alone, why did he reject him like that? Why? Perhaps he was sick of Shizuo. He probably wanted to be loved by a human, not a monster. Yes, a monster...

"Don't...don't touch me monster!"

Those words flooded Shizuo over with a new wave of pain. He remembered it as clear as ever. "He..he probably never loved me. Of course, why would he? The only thing I've ever given him was hate since the very beginning, without even getting to know him first, so what did I expect?"

"I'm sorry I can't answer you."

'Izaya never said he loved me too. He never accepted my love. He just told me that he couldn't answer me. Maybe he didn't wanna tell me that he didn't feel the same way. But when I got too close, was there for too long, got too personal, he send me away and told me the truth.' And the truth was that Izaya had enough of the brute sticking his nose in other people's business. Was all of this only a dream from the beginning? Could what they had even be considered love in the first place? The relationship they had was confusing and consisted of nothing but fake hope for an unrealistic happy end.

"This wasn't love after all, huh?"