MATE AND HIS LOVER

#9 Guilt

Since that incident, neither of us spoke to each other. We both kept some distance between us.

Helena and Zack didn't notice anything, since Mathew and I were not very close to begin with.

I'm washing the vegetables in the kitchen and look outside into the front lawn through the window.

Mathew, Helena and Zack are on folding chairs, chatting with two of the pack warriors. The conversation looks lively. It's sunny outside and most of the residents are out of their homes.

I see Helena and Mathew smiling at each other. A smile forms in my face, too. They really are perfect together.

I think I did the right thing saying Helena's name that time. Although cruel, it was what I knew would work. Mathew had to know why he can't let his wolf take control of him like that. It looks like he knows that now.

But he'll be back. 

Mathew will come back to me. He'll find a time when I'm alone and come near me.

I know that. I know that very well.

My aunt's mate is unfaithful and sleeps around. One day, she couldn't take it anymore and left him.

But he still came around, and every time he came, she let him in. She let him hold her.

I asked her if it's that difficult for her to once and forever severe all ties with him?

With a sad smile she told me that staying away from your mate is like holding your breath underwater: No matter how good you're at it, you've to come up for air at some point, or you'll die.

She won't die though. But she believes she might as well at times. I've heard her excruciating screams on too many nights to count. She tries sleeping with other men, but the pain never goes away.

I felt helpless seeing her writhe in pain. All because her wolf couldn't be with its mate. People might call it "sexual frustration," but I know it's more than that. I've seen it in her eyes.

That's why I didn't push Mathew away. I don't want his wolf to suffer, him to suffer.

There's also another reason I didn't push him away.

Guilt.

His wolf is earning for my dead wolf. However, that's not why I'm guilty.

I'm guilty because my wolf is not dead.

She's alive and well inside me.

Zack turns to the kitchen and sees me. He waves and gestures me to join them. I shake my head. No, I'm good here – drowning in my sea of guilt.

It should've been them taking advantage of me, but at times I feel like it's me who's really profiting off of them, especially Mathew.

I'm using him to break the bond, to pay for my college and keep my aunt safe. All because he was unlucky enough to be my mate, a mate who hides her wolf away from him.